i dream therefore i am

Calling all Burnaby moms and tots!

2012-02-12T12:04:00.001-08:00

I’ve been doing some research on things to do with Andrew during the week. I really want us to get out of our usual routine a bit, and get out there exploring Burnaby more. When he was more in the baby stages, we were pretty involved with a mom and baby group that we’d join for meet-ups each week. It was a great way to meet people and get out doing something different. Unfortunately everyone we met lives in the west end/Coal Harbour area of Vancouver, and we’ve since lost touch. I really want to meet other moms-with-young-kids in our general area so we have some people to get together with regularly again.

It’s hard feeling so isolated at times. I do have friends that I talk to, but we’re living in different areas and don’t have cars, so it can be tough figuring out a time to get together that works for everyone and isn’t complicated by ten thousand bus transfers (not to mention people's different schedules). I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find new friends – it seems like people already have their group of friends and I don’t feel like I fit in. Or I meet people and we get along fine but we don’t necessarily have all that much in common. I really want Andrew to have a group of friends that he can play with on a regular basis. He’s pretty good now with sharing and playing nicely with other kids, so I want to help him experience more of those opportunities. I know it will be easier in the spring/summer when we’re getting out to the parks and there will be kids at the playgrounds again. But even that poses difficulties. In all honesty, and this is not at all meant in a racist way by any means, but generally when we’ve taken Andrew to the park, it’s rare that the other kids/parents speak English. It’s how we find it around here, but it’s how we found it in Coal Harbour as well. People are either speaking Asian languages, or European. I can recall MANY a trip to the park that felt socially awkward because we were the only ones speaking English, and no one seemed to want to communicate with us – that or they couldn’t. I don’t have a problem with people speaking their native languages, but at times it does bother me a bit because I feel like it prevents us from the possibility of getting to know each other. Especially when we live in the same neighbourhood and go to the same parks, it would be so nice if we could have conversations together, rather than feeling as isolated at the park as we do at home.

I hope that made sense, it wasn’t meant to be offensive, as if people shouldn’t be able to speak whatever language they want to. I just…really want to meet some new friends that have a similar lifestyle and show interest in getting to know us, as we would with them. It seems like such a simple thing, but even with the millions of people living around us, it can be so hard to find.

It’s also hard given my personality type. I’m not very outgoing, I’m quiet, I don’t have the gift of the gab. Obviously once I get to know someone and I’m comfortable with them, I relax more, but the process of it all can seem like too much sometimes. It’s so hard to meet people! I’ve always been somewhat anti-social, and I don’t feel the need for a hundred friends or anything, just a couple of people would be awesome! We do have some friends we get together with sometimes, and one couple did just have a baby recently, so we’ll have more in common with them as time goes by for sure. But my goal is to meet people who have children in Andrew’s age group, so he’ll have some playmates. That’s my current new mission – even if it takes me completely out of my comfort zone – I’m going to do it!

I wish it was ‘easier’ to find places to take a 3 year old for fun activities. The indoor play areas in our area…aren’t in our area at all. It would take about an hour at least to bus to any of the cool play areas I’ve researched. Or community centers – I don’t see anything in a ‘drop-in’ type of category for young kids. Downtown there seemed to be a lot more options that way. Here I feel like it’s daycare/preschool or nothing. Maybe I should try to form my own group and see what happens…

Meekend continued

2012-02-11T23:01:00.001-08:00

I still have tonight to SLEEP, and then all day tomorrow to do whatever I decide to. I DO miss my boys, I really do, but…this time to just ‘be’ and relax and do whatever I want, I have to admit it’s been glorious! I kind of wish it wasn’t going by so quickly!!

I’ve watched a movie, gave myself a pedicure, read almost all of Michael Buble’s book (I got it for my birthday), puttered about the house – in particular, making a few changes to how things look in the bedroom, and I’m much happier with it. I’ve spent time with the kitties, wrote some emails I’ve been meaning to get to lately but kept putting off, made some phone calls. I was just going to stay in and rest but I ended up going to my parents’ for dinner because my dad was cooking, and I can’t pass up a meal being made for me! It’s rare that I’m not the one cooking meals whether it be at home (with Andrew telling me he’s ‘hungy’ aaaallll the time!) or at my parents’. So it was a nice treat to have dinner (AND dessert, even!) all brought to me. I even had a glass of wine!

I’ve basically just been relaxing, and forced myself not to do tons of chores because that would be a total waste of the time to myself. I DID go to vacuum this morning, only to have our vacuum go caput. Which sucks (not literally, since that’s what a vacuum SHOULD do, haha!) because now I have to go out tomorrow and find a new vacuum, and I wasn’t anticipating that expense right now. I hate it when ‘boring’ things like that need to be replaced!

It’s been a pretty good weekend so far – hard to believe I have another day to enjoy all to myself! (And at the end of it, I get hugs and kisses from both my favourite boys – I am one lucky gal) =)

My little sidekick

2012-02-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

I'm enjoying the silence this weekend, don't get me wrong, but I miss this boy and all his cuteness!

Jumping on the technology bandwagon?

2012-02-11T15:49:00.001-08:00

James and I have been talking about the possibility of getting iphones…but we’re still not totally sure about. We can technically afford it, and in fact if he gets out of his current contract and switches over to the provider I use, I know he can get his monthly bills down to either exactly what he pays now or potentially less. So he definitely stands to gain from getting one – and I know he’d get the full range of use out of it. Yes, I think he should get an iphone for sure! He’s a tech guy, and I think it would be beneficial for him to have it.

Me on the other hand…I have a lot of Fido dollars saved up, so with a 3 year contract (which I’m not too concerned about – I used to get my back up about cell contracts but really, when am I going to want to be WITHOUT a phone, right, so what’s the big deal if I have a contract for one?) I could get the new iphone 4S for about $40. The catch for me is that the plan would end up costing about $20 more per month than my current plan. And I’m not sure how much I’d use it to justify that increase??

Tell me, people who are with the technological times! I want some advice. What do you use your iphone for, besides phoning and texting? How good a quality of images does the camera take? I’d definitely get a lot of use out of it if it has a good camera, meaning I could potentially print 4x6 pictures from what I take on there. Forgive me for being completely out of the loop of what these things can do. I have a decent phone right now, with the qwerty flip keyboard dohicky. But yes, I just said ‘dohicky’ so as you can see, I need someone to guide me through this!

(James would have a fit if he knew I was talking like I know nothing about iphones. Even though he doesn’t have one, he knows a lot about them, and he has an ipod touch so he knows the ins and outs of using these devices. Andrew even knows a thing or two about navigating the ipod touch!! I use it too sometimes, but I have the least experience of all of us with it, yes potentially less than our 3 year old!)

I just think it would be fun to get with the times and have the latest technology, but for the extra cost I do have to have some good reasons. Can you give me some?? I’ve heard of this thing called ‘instagram’ for picture taking and it intrigues me. I love the idea of being able to use an app when photo taking that will allow me to give pictures cool borders and other features without having to upload the picture to my computer first and put it in photoshop or lightroom to make changes. I also love the concept of that weird square computery image that you see in newspapers and magazines and even juice cartons for crying out loud, that you can hold your phone up to and suddenly you’ll go to an article or video about something. Seriously, that just blows me away! I want to be able to have those things at my finger tips because it seems like the coolest thing ever.

In reality, is it something I’d use?! I think the camera aspect could make it for me if it’s as great as I’m thinking it would be. But I need some first hand advice if anyone can provide it. What else do you use your iphone for? What are your favourite apps? Why should I get one, or, why shouldn’t I??

Meekend

2012-02-10T23:04:00.000-08:00

I have the entire weekend to myself.

I have not been able to say that since…I honestly can’t even remember when. I’m never without my little sidekick for any length of time! I’ve been on my own for one night, once last summer when James took Andrew camping. But that’s it in the last 3 years +. So this is kind of a big deal!

I don’t know what to do with myself. Tonight I went to Coquitlam Center and ended up getting Andrew a bunch of cute clothes from Old Navy. Usually I never find anything there for him (though I admit I rarely go in there to look) but I could have bought him so many cute things this time! It’s mostly spring stuff, but before you know it spring will be here – so luckily my boy will be prepared ;) I just can’t help but get him things, he looks so cute in everything and even though he gets bored when opening clothes as a gift, he does enjoy his clothes – he asks to wear certain things often enough! I even got him a cute pair of brown shoes that I’m hoping he’ll take to. He got red Converse high tops for Xmas from his aunt and they’re ADORABLE, but they’re a size 10 and he’s about a 7 ½ - 8 right now. He refuses to wear anything but the Converse, though, so he clunks around awkwardly and falls often. It’s VERY annoying!! So hopefully this will work, getting him into something else while his feet grow into the ‘cool’ shoes!

I also got some new bath mats and a couple of things for the bathroom (from Jysk). Now I’m wondering if that’s my sign to finally paint that room…One of the items on my bucket list is to paint at least one room of our place this year…The bathroom would take the least amount of paint! Maybe I’ll consider a paint colour this weekend and get the ball rolling on that…

I do plan to do some organizing and possibly some downsizing this weekend. But otherwise I plan to sleep in as much as possible, put my feet up and relax with a book, or crocheting, bubble baths…This is my time to just ‘be’! I have to take advantage of it!

Kitty Update

2012-02-09T00:27:00.000-08:00

Moorka has been doing OK since we put her on the steroid pills. She finished her round of eye drops and everything’s looking fine there. With the steroid pills she seems to be eating better, I see her drinking water, and she goes from room to room through the day, which I think is a good sign (she’s not hiding from us). She purrs when we pet her, and meows for her wet food sometimes. I’m still worried, knowing that she doesn’t have that long with us, but I can’t really react to that fact until the time comes. And I want to think she has enough time left that I can put that a bit to the back of my mind…

She has had some ‘accidents’ that are worrisome, since that’s obviously not normal behaviour. But hopefully it won’t become regular enough an occurrence that we have to take her back to the vet any time soon. Poor Moogy. I love her SO much and I just want her to be as content as can be.

I think she’s been enjoying the extra care and attention she’s been receiving. Usually I would give the kitties some love, but not make a point of stopping by wherever they’re resting a bunch of times a day ‘just because.’ In the past few years especially, Moorka has become more affectionate than we ever imagined she could be, so she laps up the attention whenever she gets it! I’m happy to see that she’s not shying away from us, which I know from experience with our last cat is a sign that things are not going well.

I’m playing favourites somewhat with Moorka, since I know our time with her is going to be shorter…but I’m trying not to give her TOO much more attention than Fifi gets. Yesterday I gave Fiona the Lion’s Cut, so she’s down to bare metal and looks absolutely hilarious. I mainly did it due to paranoia, because she was looking so puffy with her fur, and I worried she might have the same stomach-fluid issue as Moorka. I was relieved to see once she was shaved, that her size looks totally normal. She didn’t really enjoy getting the hair cut, but she sure loved it as soon as it was done! She can’t get enough back rubs now, and it’s hilarious the way her skin wrinkles up! I love how she’s so pliable – she might not like something, but she would never think to bite or scratch to get away.

They’re a couple of cuties, those two!

The Letter

2012-02-08T17:35:00.001-08:00

I wasn’t able to finish it at the time I started it, and have since deleted it, but I find it interesting that this morning I started writing a post about the overcrowding issue affecting Royal Columbian Hospital. I was going to write about how seeing the articles about it affect me emotionally. Suffice it to say, I feel like I can’t breathe properly just hearing seeing the name ‘Royal Columbian Hospital’ written out, so also seeing pictures of the outside of the ER is truly too much for me.

Why I say I find it ‘interesting’ that it was on my mind this morning is because a little while ago I got a phone call from Fraser Health. It was a follow-up call to the letter they received from me last month, regarding my (terrible) experience in their ER last October.

I hadn’t even given a contact number in the letter, so I was surprised to get the phone call. I honestly thought I’d send the letter and then I’d always wonder if anyone actually read it. I didn’t expect it to go very far. I didn’t realize that they actually have to follow-up on every complaint made. I guess they had to look into my file in order to get my contact information, because otherwise I don’t know how they would have found it (I’m not listed in the phone book). You could say I was a tad taken aback by the phone call, but even though it has left me feeling somewhat emotional, I am SO glad that they did in fact follow up.

The woman I talked to was very apologetic about what I went through. She asked me if I wanted to file a formal complaint against a particular doctor. The idea of that didn’t sit well with me, because the thing is, I don’t think it was an issue with the ultrasound doctor in particular, who said I was having a miscarriage (duh, doctor, I can feel the contractions…and the massive blood loss is a bit of a sign also…but thank you) and then just told me I could ‘go home.’ I felt that all the doctors and nurses pretty much took the same stance on it. Ultimately, the issue was the stupid self-flushing toilet, and the lack of information provided. Not information on what happens when a toilet self-flushes, (!) but it would have possibly helped me to hear, ‘We didn’t see any signs of a baby developing based on the ultrasound images…but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one, so you might want to be aware that you may see a fetus.’ Perhaps if I’d been told, ‘Our toilets are self-flushing, so if there IS a fetus, and you’d like to be able to see it, you might want to think twice before miscarrying here.’ I honestly don’t know how my miscarriage would have affected me differently had the baby not been stolen from me the way it was. I would still be badly affected. But honestly, that one particular moment in time plagues me every day. The hurt isn’t near as bad as it was when it first happened, and the first few weeks following, but it’s ALWAYS there, and somehow something ALWAYS manages to conjure it up for me again. (I am even apprehensive to use public washrooms now, after a toilet self-flushed several weeks ago and I thought I was going to have a panic attack when it happened…) So if that hadn’t happened…I do think I’d be better off.

Anyway, I said that ultimately I would like it if all the ER staff, and the ultrasound staff – basically anyone who might be dealing with a woman who’s losing a pregnancy – could read the letter. I just want the doctors and nurses to better understand what might be helpful to hear in that situation. To be given some options for how/where to miscarry. I get that it’s never the same experience, and that it’s impossible for anyone to predict exactly how long it will take, or how the process will go, whether there will be a fetus or not, etc etc. BUT I do think they could offer more information than, ‘You’re having a miscarriage, you can go home now.’ And if you DO go to the ER, even if it IS dealing with an overcrowding issue (and boy was it ever when I was there, so I know first-hand what it’s like), they could still take 30 seconds to discuss it, and somehow drill it in that THE TOILET SELF-FLUSHES, NO MATTER WHAT DON’T FORGET THAT!!!

What it boils down to is that I was assured that my letter IS going to be read by the people who could potentially learn something from it. And that actually makes me really happy. I am still sad about what happened to me, and feel a little emotional about it right now given that I wasn’t expecting to be having a conversation with someone today about my experience. BUT I also feel as if a teensy bit of weight from this has been lifted – insofar as I feel like now there actually IS a chance that because of my letter, another woman won’t be led down the same dark path with their experience that I was. Hopefully no other woman will go there and have their baby whisked away against their will, while they just stand there in absolute shock. I feel like maybe I’m helping someone by talking about my experience, and it feels good to think that that might be the case. Of course I’ll never know for sure, but I know I did everything I could by speaking up about it, and based on the conversation I had with the woman I talked to, I honestly do believe that the appropriate people will be made aware. As she put it, if people DON’T complain about things, they never know what they’re doing wrong. I really hope my story reaches the nurses and doctors who will be able to make someone’s experience a little less terrifying than it has to be.

I will never understand some people's ways...

2012-02-07T00:37:00.001-08:00

When James asked his dad if he and his significant other would take Andrew for us this Saturday night so we could stay in a hotel for the first time since before Andy was born, I really REALLY hoped they would say yes. Andrew is 3, and they have never even looked after him so we could go for coffee or something of the like. They really don’t make much effort at all to see him or spend time with him. I thought it would be a perfect opportunity for them to have some one on one bonding time with him. But, no, they didn’t feel comfortable with him spending the night there without us.

They didn’t feel comfortable. I’m still trying to wrap my head around that. My fil isn’t James’ biological dad, but he basically adopted him as his own when James was just 2 years old. So he did essentially help raise James. And James’ mom and my fil had a son together. So having raised 2 kids, he should be comfortable with his 3 year old grandson spending one night at his place, no? As well, his significant other has FOUR kids of her own, and 5 grandkids (not including Andrew, who I know is not ‘actually’ her grandchild, but come on!) So how on earth she could be uncomfortable with Andrew staying over without us there is beyond me. It’s ONE FREAKING NIGHT. Seriously!

I know that ultimately Andrew is our responsibility, and I suppose I shouldn’t begrudge anyone who doesn’t want to look after him for us. But his own grandparents?? I have a problem with it. I have a MAJOR problem with it. If we were trying to pawn Andrew off on them every weekend or even every time we see them, that would be one thing. I could see them getting their backs up about it. But we are not pawner offers! Like I said, they have never once looked after him without us present. It makes me feel like they don’t really want to spend that much time with him, and the Momma bear in me feels very angered by that.

It’s true that Andrew isn’t the greatest sleeper…when it comes to sleeping at home with Mommy and Daddy. But when he stays the night at my parents’ place or my mil’s, he sleeps through the night beautifully and is no trouble at all. So they don’t have to worry that they won’t get a minute of rest, if that’s the issue. He most likely would sleep just fine. Although to me, that should be a moot point, because so what if their sleep was lacking for that one night?? It’s ONE FRIGGIN’ NIGHT. And they’re both retired! They can have an afternoon nap the next day if they need to, for chrissakes.

I just feel really down in the dumps about it because I know what James and I are missing out on, and I also know what THEY are missing out on by not wanting to spend that time with their grandson. He’s such a good boy, so sweet and funny and smart. Loves to give hugs and kisses, loves to hear stories and weaves a great many tales of his own! He’s D-E-L-I-G-H-T-F-U-L in every sense of the word, an absolute cutie pie that melts hearts just by being his adorable self. It kills me that people who SHOULD love him to bits just seem so nonchalant about him.

I guess it’s upsetting to me, too, that they’re not seeing this from our point of view. A night in a hotel on our own is a seriously big deal because it gives us a luxurious sense of freedom that we pretty much never have. It would feel like a mini vacation even though ultimately it would only be a few hours to ourselves, over all. Which means only a few hours of them having to bite the bullet and – omigod the horror – actually possibly enjoy a few hours with their grandson.

I don’t want to even go over for the visit now, truthfully. I just feel so put off by their lack of being able to do this for us. If that sounds selfish of me, so be it. But I feel really pissed off. Also, my fil was in town just last week, and saw James briefly for lunch one of the days, but ‘didn’t have time’ to see me and Andrew. I just feel like they are not able to make any effort whatsoever for us, and I don’t get it. As a parent, I can honestly say there is no way I’d be that way with Andrew, his partner, and my grandchild(ren). I would cherish the time I could have with them. And having ‘been there’, I would totally understand the need for Andrew and his partner to have a little down time just on their own. But hey, that’s just me. Clearly that’s not the way everyone sees it.

I know eventually James and I will have a night out together. But that’s not really the point.

Birthdays and Bucket Lists...

2012-02-06T20:28:00.000-08:00

16 years ago today was the day after I turned 16. I remember that birthday well, because the next day I had to have surgery to remove a cyst from my thyroid. It’s hard to believe 16 years have gone by...not only since I turned 16, but since I had that surgery. Now the scar from it has largely faded, and I think I’ve even got most of the feeling back to normal in my neck. Given I had several surgeries in my throat when I was 1 and 2, I don’t know if I’ve ever had ‘normal’ feeling there. But it feels as close to ‘normal’ as what I can imagine!

Anyway...

This is more just for my own memory sake, but for my birthday this year I got some money from my grandma, bubble bath/oil and some fudge from Andrew, a night at a hotel from James (though it’s probably not going to happen...see previous post), from my parents a spa gift card, the Michael Buble book, some candles, bath stuff and soap, and my favourite: a book on how to crochet and some yarn! I’m really excited to learn how to crochet. I’ve started practicing and I can already see how relaxing it is, and how fun it will be to complete projects. I know it will take some time of practicing, but I want to eventually make an afghan blanket. I’m excited about this because it’s something I’ve always wanted to learn how to do.

I’m working on a yearly Bucket List. Rather than just a list of all the things I’d like to accomplish at some point in my entire life, I want to have a list of things I hope to do within the next year. If I go about it right, wouldn’t it be awesome to check out that list a year from today and be able to check through it because I accomplished it all?! Definitely something I want to do. Maybe if I feel accountable for what I put on there, I’ll be more likely to actually follow through with it.

32 years young

2012-02-06T00:58:00.000-08:00

My birthday is officially over. As my grandfather would have said if he was still alive, ‘Now I’m starting my 33^rd year!’ Though I’ll stick with saying I’m 32 ;) I can’t quite believe I’m 32. It’s just a number, and it’s certainly not old. My Nana called to wish me a Happy Birthday this morning and reminded me that she’s 50 years older than me this year….82 kinda made 32 sound like a kid-age!! I can only hope to live as healthy a life as my Nana into ‘old’ age. She is a life force, that woman!

Anyway…I don’t know why 32 in particular feels like an important age to me, but for some reason it does. In all my ‘fantasies’ about where I’d be by certain times in life, 32 always seemed like it would be a time where I’d be content, in the full swing of living my life, with everything I could have needed or wanted already woven into my life. In the present, I realize how ridiculous that projection was. I’d like to say I’m content and in the full swing of living my life…I’m actually NOT fully content, and I don’t even know what the hell I meant by ‘in the full swing of living my life.’ Ultimately, aren’t we all by default in the full swing of that? Life seems pretty busy and full even when sometimes it’s not. I have much of what I could ever need or want in my life, but certainly not all. And I doubt anyone ever feels like they’ve got EVERYTHING at this age, because it would seem pretty boring to feel like ‘this is it’, as that would imply it’s all downhill from here! So…yeah…I’m working on not thinking about the ways I saw myself in the future at 32, and rather just being in the present as who I ACTUALLY am at this point in time.

I guess regardless of whether or not I am where I had hoped to be at this time in my life, I do think of 32 as in the throws of adulthood. It’s crazy that I’m already ‘this old’ in the sense that it seems like the years leading up to now just zipped by. I can think back to a memory from grade one, for example, and it seems like it just happened yesterday. And now I’m 32?! Crazy how that happens! I’ve obviously got some issues that I’m struggling with somewhat at the moment…but over all I have to say I AM happy with where I am in my life right now. I have a loving, supportive husband who I adore. The most precious little boy in the universe is my son, and I love him more than I ever thought possible. We live in a cozy and very quiet condo building, in an area that I love. And we share it with our two fluffy kitties…which, yes, because of Moorka’s declining health is one source of sadness for me, but at the same time I can’t deny that I do cherish the time I have with both our cats, so I’m grateful they’re a part of my life in this moment. I have my health (even though my body is causing me some stress lately…), both my parents are alive and I get to see them often, which has ended up being a very good thing this past year. Even though sometimes I feel stuck in certain areas of my life, I do have many opportunities open to me still, and that’s something to be grateful for. I know I have a lot of other things to be thankful for too, things that make my life wonderful and fulfilling. I want to embrace those things as much as possible this year, and of course in years to come. I really want to accomplish something great this year in particular, so I’m serious when I say that I’m going to set my sights high and put in the effort it takes to achieve it. Whatever ‘it’ is. I look at my birthday as the start of my new year, so this is a resolution of sorts, you could say.

That being said, I really do have some issues to deal with. Mainly what happened tonight is that I got upset when I found out the people who were supposed to take Andrew for one night next weekend ended up saying no…which means we have to cancel the hotel stay…after James told me he decided to splurge and got the honeymoon suite and it was going to be so romantic and blah blah blah now it’s not happening…Although he’s going to talk to his DAD – because, yes, it’s his dad and partner who truthfully I don’t think feel comfortable looking after Andrew over night…but anyway, I’m not even going to get into that right now…-and see if maybe they can work something out so we can still make this happen. I’m not going to hold my breath though…and the more I think about it, the less I want Andrew staying with people who don’t seem to want him there. But whatever…We’ll see what happens. It just brought me down and made me feel down in the dumps, since it was something I was looking so forward to given we haven’t had a night to ourselves away from our own home since before Andrew was even born. Once I was feeling blah, it spiralled out of control, due to the other issues that affect me so deeply.

Mainly one issue, though it becomes several issues…Loss of baby, not getting pregnant, feeling pressure to get pregnant quickly, not having answers to why the loss happened, my mind always, at some point, inevitably venturing back to the loss and how it happened and wondering why…Wishing I could know when all of this will do a 360 and I’ll have another child…Worrying ‘what if it never happens’…Etc, etc, etc…There’s more to it of course, but that’s the gist.

As James said tonight, it’s normal for the loss to still upset me. It’s OK for me to feel the hurt feelings associated with that loss, and embrace the sadness of it. But it’s also important to be present and mindful and let those feelings go in the sense that I don’t let them devour me. It’s OK to be sad but to also see the positive in other things and not just focus on that one thing.

I’m pretty good, most of the time, at not dwelling. At trying to convince myself that ‘everything will be OK’ and ‘I’m kinda sorta somewhat happy, so it’s all good.’ But I’m not happy, and maybe it stems from other things too, maybe there was bound to be something in life that would sink me into this bit of a hole I seem to be in. But I do feel like it was the loss of the baby that spiralled this feeling to the somewhat out-of-control state it is in. Not that it’s really ‘out of control’, I mean…I was going to say, ‘It’s not like I’m clinically depressed’…but in all truthfulness, I know that if I said I was OK with going on antidepressants, it would be recommended I be on them. So I’m not diagnosed because I chose not to be, but I probably am clinically depressed! What ‘helps’, though, is that I’m pretty good at self-management. I don’t want to kill myself, I’m not that far gone! I can manage my feelings pretty well most of the time. I know what happened, happened, and it sucks, and there’s nothing I can do about it so there’s no point beating myself up. I still can’t help but have the feelings about it that I do, though. I feel sad, I feel gypped. I feel angry, confused. I don’t like feeling stifled the way this whole event/situation/issue/WHATEVER makes me feel. But as much as I’m good at compartmentalizing it most of the time, I also don’t know how I’ll ever completely overcome it, and that does scare me a bit sometimes. The thought that I’ll have to carry this dark cloud with me forever. In place of the baby I was supposed to have.

Anyway. I really didn’t want to dwell on it on my birthday. At least none of these issues came up till after 9:00 tonight! So most of my birthday was great, and I probably should have just written a happy little post about the days events, rather than this long-winded one about the negative stuff my blog has been overtaken by in the past several months! I guess I just need more time to work through this…

I also need sleep, so I’d better end this here. Onto better things tomorrow…

A sunny city Saturday

2012-02-04T23:19:00.001-08:00

Today was good. I wish our date time hadn’t gone by so fast, but isn’t that always the way. We had a little visit with the bil and sil and it sounds like they had a great time with Andrew, and vice versa. It really was nice to be able to be out on our own for a bit, especially on such a nice sunny day. Cold, but the sunshine more than made up for that. There’s something about the brightness that does wonders for a person’s mood. Maybe it’s because we have so many dark, dreary days in winter (and let’s face it, spring and fall, too…), it really feels like a novelty lately to have blue skies.

We went to Earl’s on Broadway and used a gift certificate we got from my uncle for Christmas. I had a veggie version of the kung pao, which is always my favourite thing to get there. We sat by the window and enjoyed looking out, and also just getting to chat and sip drinks. It felt so civilized!

We were given a $100 gift card to Pottery Barn from my bro and sil as a house warming gift when we moved in here almost a year ago. We’re not really PB people…it’s so expensive and while they DO have some nice things, it’s just not really our taste maybe. I don’t know. Yes, a lot of it is nice stuff…but…We went through the whole store, the bottom half TWICE and we left with…$100 still on our card! LOL We basically had $100 of ‘free money’ to spend and we couldn’t agree on a single thing. I probably could have just spent the whole thing on scented candles and potpourri type stuff, because I love making our place smell nice with candles and things. But…we just weren’t feeling it today. I was actually in a bit of a mood (though I did get out of it quickly) when we left there because I just felt annoyed, truthfully, by how ridiculously expensive everything is. It just seems so wasteful to me somehow. I like to have nice things and I’m not a cheapskate, but there’s a limit.

It’s funny because as we’re walking down the street I saw a dollar plus store that I’ve got things in before, and to be perfectly honest I was a lot more excited to go in there than I was to go into Pottery Barn! We got Andrew one of those slimy hand things where you can slap the hand onto things and it sticks. He and James watched GhostBusters together for the first time this morning, and Andrew was obsessing over the slimey guy and this hand looked sort of like his colour, so we knew it would be a hit.

I had it in my mind that we were going to peruse the shops and it would be so much fun but in reality there weren’t stores that really interested me and I was a bit disappointed. It’s not so much that I was hoping to buy tons of stuff because I wasn’t wanting that, I just wanted more interesting things to look at I guess. I don’t know what it was I was after. We ended up getting a coffee at Blenz, which was nice because it’s something we rarely ever do – go out for coffee together. So many people frequent coffee shops all the time, but it’s a novelty for us to do that! We sat inside for a while, then took our coffees to go and slowly made our way back to pick up Andrew.

It was a nice way to spend an afternoon, although next time I might want to map out where we could go in the area that would be of more interest to us. It’ll be nice in the spring/summer when it’s a bit warmer and we could take a walk by the water or just be outdoors longer without getting cold.

We still haven’t really planned what we’re going to do tomorrow…which makes me a LITTLE nervous, but at the same time I hate always planning things rigidly, so I’m going to take a go with the flow attitude. Geez, I sound so uptight lately…I guess I sort of have been. Another thing I’m working on changing, at least a little bit. It’s in my nature to be that way (slightly uptight!) and for the most part I’m OK with it, truth be told! I’m just not a flies by the seat of her pants type of gal. But I want to just be of the attitude that I’ll go wherever the wind takes me…or thereabouts!

Some fun weekend plans

2012-02-03T19:49:00.002-08:00

Last night I wrote that I’d try to look at things in a better light today. I think I’ve done a fairly good job of it. I definitely don’t feel near as down as I did yesterday.

Today was bright and sunny, and I think that alone made me feel more alive. Andrew and I did some crafts and things at home in the morning, then went outside and played for a bit before heading over to my mom’s. He played some games while my mom and I had tea, and I made a big pot of chili for their supper and ours. We came home in time to have dinner with James, and now he and the boy are hanging out together while I get a bit of time to myself.

I’m trying to just hold onto the things I can look forward to in my mind, and not dwell so much on the things that are out of my control. James’ brother has been asking to babysit Andrew, so tomorrow we’re taking up on the offer to have the bil and sil babysit for a few hours. I’m excited about it. It’s great for them to have bonding time with their nephew, and awesome for us to get some time as a couple. A win win situation! I always feel so much better about people looking after the boy when they’re the ones initiating it. I tend to have a hard time outright asking people to take him, because I don’t like feeling as if I’m putting people out so I can have free time. I do ask my parents sometime, but they’re the only exception to my rule.

So we get an afternoon date downtown tomorrow. And then Sunday is my birthday, which I looked more forward to when I was younger than I do now, but I’m still excited about it in the sense that I can hopefully get some relaxation time in since after all it IS my birthday ;) My parents are going to take Andrew for a few hours in the afternoon, and then we’ll either all have dinner together or James and I will have dinner out, and then we’re meeting back at my parents’ place for dessert. My bro and sil are going to join us at my parents’, and they’re even going to bring Maude (my French bulldog niece!) so we’ll get to enjoy some time with her too. I requested ice cream cake from Dairy Queen, which is something I haven’t had since I was a kid, so as silly as it may sound I’m looking forward to that!

It sounds like MOST LIKELY we are going to get our night out at a hotel soon, too. It’s booked, we just need confirmation from our potential babysitters to make sure it’s a go. I’m SO EXCITED about the prospect of that, and I hope we can maximize our time and maybe even do a touristy thing just for fun, or SOMETHING different.

Beyond that, I’ve got nothing really planned. Kinda sad, I know, but hey, it’s a start!

A different light...

2012-02-03T00:52:00.003-08:00

I’m in a MOOD tonight. I tried not to be, but I kind of think somewhere around 10pm I decided to just give in to it, and I had a good cry.

I just feel overwhelmed. Not by any one thing, but by a bunch of things. Just in general, maybe. I need a vacation I think. I know a vacation doesn’t mean the things that are bothering me are going to go away, but I do think it would be healthy to have just a bit of time to escape. James and I are in the planning stages of a night to ourselves in a hotel. I’m always tempted to stay home and save the money we’d spend on a hotel, but as James pointed out, when we stay home I feel compelled to do things like chores and ultimately it doesn’t feel like an escape. It’s true. And we NEVER go anywhere. We haven’t been on a vacation since…2008 we went away for a weekend to a spa hotel on the island, for our 1 year wedding anniversary. I was about 19 weeks pregnant with Andrew. It was actually a gift from James’ bosses at the time. We’re certainly not in a position to be going away anywhere exotic at the moment, but even one night in a hotel somewhere that isn’t here is sounding glorious to me at the moment. I hope the plan we have in our heads is actually going to work out...

I’m stressed about Moorka, obviously. She seemed a little perkier this morning, she’s eaten her usual kibbles several times today so that’s a good sign. I was able to give her the eye drops no problem (although she’s on to me now, and anticipated it the last time tonight so I had to give it 2 tries before I got it in!) I thought it was a good sign that she got feisty with me when I tried to pop the steroid pill into her mouth this morning. Yesterday it would have been easy to do it because she was so not herself, but I took it as a sign that she was feeling a bit stronger when she fought me when I tried to open her mouth. I ended up putting the pill in with some wet food, and she lapped it right up. Same with her next dose this evening. So hopefully the novelty of wet food doesn’t wear off and she’ll keep getting the pills down without any trouble.

I was feeling OK about her ‘progress’ until I went to put Andrew to bed tonight and saw that she had peed all over it. We were out most of the day so I don’t know how long it was sitting there like that. I obviously feel bad for Moorka and don’t have any bad feelings toward her for doing it, because I know she wouldn’t do it if she was healthy. But it was sort of the last straw for me tonight. I was so tired, and Andrew didn’t fall asleep till 9:30 (when usually he’d be winding down more around 8-8:30). James wasn’t home and I’d planned on having a bubble bath and then just relaxing for a bit but instead I found myself taking the mattress cover off Andrew’s bed and putting it in the wash, and trying to get the foam part of his mattress cleaned so it wouldn’t reek like cat urine which is seriously so foul I felt like gagging. I had also washed all our bedding today (not Andrew’s, thankfully, since I had to wash it all tonight!) and had to put the covers on our duvets (yes we have two, I like to use my own blanket!) and even though it’s not THAT big a deal to put them on, I HATE doing it. So I kind of lost it at that point. It’s probably normal every once in a while to…I don’t know…resent?...some of the tasks you have to do? Maybe resent is the wrong word. I don’t even know exactly what I’m feeling. I just get sick and tired of things once in a while. I’m also reeeally sick of feeling so tired. It’s partly my fault because I stay up so late usually, but I have such a hard time sleeping even when I have the chance to sleep, so it’s a catch 22. If I wasn’t hoping to get pregnant soon, I’d probably take up on my doctor’s offer of another sleeping pill prescription. But I don’t want to take any risks.

The whole pregnancy issue, or lack thereof depending how you look at it, is really getting me down. I try not to let it be my focus, but how can it not be? I feel so much pressure. If I don’t get pregnant within the next FEW WEEKS, I have to wait several MONTHS to even TRY again, unless I want to risk having another baby right around Christmas WHICH I DO NOT WANT TO RISK HAVING! That’s intense pressure, and it worries me. I am trying to be as calm as I can be, and most of the time I can convince myself to be, but it’s not easy. I feel like the emotional rollercoaster stemming from the loss of our last pregnancy is never ending. It’s going to be a lengthy process, even if/when (hopefully when, not if) I get pregnant, because then I’ll be terrified that something could go wrong again. It doesn’t help AT ALL that my stupid body decided to totally fuck up cycle-wise so I have zero clue as to when I might actually ovulate. Seriously! I’ve been having periods since the month after I turned 11 years old. In 3 days I will be 32. That’s a LOT of periods. I have NEVER in all those years been more than 2, MAYBE 3 but I don’t think so, days late. EVER, not even from when I first started having them. TWO DAYS. So basically, I could argue I was on a very predictable 28 day cycle. Last month I was SO SURE I WAS PREGNANT, I felt like I had so many signs of it, I seriously had myself convinced there for a while that I WAS pregnant. But SIX FUCKING HOME PREGNANCY TESTS all told me otherwise. Then 11 days after my period was due, I got it. I couldn’t believe it! I’ve never been more than 2 days late my entire life, and then when I’m desperately hoping to fall pregnant, it comes that late?! Seriously, FML is all I can say to that.

I just don’t know what’s up with my body. It’s CRAZY how a miscarriage screws a person up. It’s emotionally AND physically horrible, and makes everything about my body, and life in general, seem totally unpredictable. Which makes me feel scared, confused, lonely, just plain weirded out by myself. I say that last bit because I just feel like I don’t even know myself anymore. Who was I before I lost that baby? I don’t feel like I’m her anymore. I have to be who I am now, and I’m working on that, and I guess this is just the way it was supposed to be. But I don’t understand why, and that question leaves a hole in me that I don’t think can ever be filled. Dramatic, much? Yeah, I guess so, but...I don’t know how else to be, this is the way it has affected me and I’m doing the best I can to deal with it, but it’s so freaking hard.

If I got pregnant ‘easily’ again, and everything went awesome with the pregnancy, and I had my new baby in my arms and all was well, maybe then if you asked me how I was doing I’d say I’m A-O-FUCKING-K. But that’s not what’s happened, at least not yet. I feel like I’m struggling with myself. I wanted things to be so much different. I wanted to be in a place right now that I’m not. How is that not supposed to hurt?

I know I’m dwelling, and that’s not healthy. Most of the time I don’t dwell. I focus on other things. I’m too busy entertaining Andrew and trying to provide him with adventures and life experience to wallow in the depths of despair all the time. I’m so lucky to have him to focus on. I’m so, SO grateful for my boy. I love him to bits and even though he drives me totally bonkers at times, he is also a huge saving grace when it comes to my sanity! I really REALLY feel for those who are trying to conceive but aren’t successful the first time, I can’t even imagine not having my boy to cherish when I’m longing to add one more to our family.

A few days ago, someone compared me to someone else we know (a mother of two who has had several miscarriages along the way) and said something to the effect that ‘she has more going on in her life so she’s not making it seem like her whole life hinges on getting pregnant again like you are.’ Those words REALLY stung, I have to say. First of all, as it happens, this other mother IS pregnant again. But that aside, yes, she also runs a business, it’s true. Her kids are in daycare and she runs a business, yep that is definitely something else going on in her life. I get that I don’t have a job outside the home, and therefore much of my time is spent catering to Andrew, and as a result, I DO perhaps have a fair bit of time to think and therefore dwell in my head about the things that are plaguing me. But those words made me feel like I’m somehow a lesser person because I don’t have something ‘more’ going on. I DO have things that I do that don’t involve Andrew, I’m not just some sort of mommy-robot-being that has no life whatsoever other than to focus on getting pregnant. It’s just that I always envisioned myself with two kids, and after losing our last baby and constantly seeing their little self in my mind, I just long so badly to have another child. Not wanting a bigger age gap than there already will be adds intense pressure to the mix. I don’t want to wait because the longer I wait, the longer it might take, and then it might never end up happening.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken offense to that being said to me, but I did. It made me feel really insignificant and pathetic and maybe that’s not helping my emotional state tonight either. I am who I am, and I am where I am in life right now, and there are a multitude of reasons for that. It sounds as if I feel like I should be apologizing for myself, and I don’t actually think that I should, but this person saying those things to me…it made me feel as though that was the case. I know it wasn’t actually intended as a jab, but still.

I feel like I have so much I have to wrap my head around. And this stuff doesn’t even include the usual day to day stressors faced with other people in my life who have issues that affect me. I am just at that breaking point where I feel like it’s all too much and I need to decompress but I don’t actually get the chance to, or really even know how to.

Maybe it’s an early mid-life crisis type thing. I tend to view my birthday as the start of my new year, so I’m thinking about things I want to change and all of that, but those things are kind of freaking me out right now.

Tomorrow I’m going to do my best to look at things in a different light.

The vet visit...

2012-02-01T23:34:00.000-08:00

Moorka’s vet visit sadly didn’t go well. I’m still processing everything the vet said. I had a strong feeling it wasn’t going to be good news, but I was still hopeful that we’d go in there and she’d tell us Moorka has a cold and she’ll go back to her usual self in no time.

It’s not 100% what she has, since for the time being we’ve decided not to go ahead with the blood work etc. But unfortunately it’s most likely cancer. If not cancer, kidney disease. Basically, there is no good scenario here. We spent over $200 for the visit today and an injection, some fluids given, and some meds to bring home. If we do all the tests it will be another $615, and that MIGHT give us a diagnosis, but regardless of what the diagnosis is, there is nothing we can do more than what we’re doing. So it doesn’t seem right to go ahead with the tests when ultimately it’s not going to prolong her life.

We’re going to try some steroids that apparently can help make Moorka more comfortable, and we have some pills on hand that will help increase her appetite if we don’t see her eating much on her own (which she doesn’t seem to be doing lately, although of course it’s hard to know what she does when we’re not here…plus Fifi eats from the same dish so we don’t know what she’s eating vs. what Moorka eats). She also has some eye drops for an eye infection, which could be part of the cold she seems to have, but could be a separate issue. Poor Moogy. I feel so bad for her. I wish so badly that I could make her well again.

She’s always been on the bigger side, so we just figured her belly was fat, but as it turns out it is filled with fluid. It has only been in the past few months that she’s seemed to balloon outwards, and although the prognosis would have been the same, part of me wishes we’d caught on earlier that something wasn’t right. On the other hand, we got this much more time with her without constantly worrying that she won’t be around much longer, so maybe it’s best we didn’t know sooner. I’m not sure what to think. Anyway, if you have a cat and their belly seems to be getting bigger even though they’re not eating more, it’s probably a sign of illness. I feel so bad for Moorka, knowing that she’s uncomfortable due to fluid build up. It could potentially be drained, but there are risks with that because proteins and things that she NEEDS in her stomach could accidentally be removed, causing further problems. I just don’t think she’s up for the stress, and I don’t think we should take those risks. We just have to enjoy the time we have left with her. I’m just so scared/sad/shocked that this is happening. She might have a week left, she might have a couple of months, we don’t know. What I do know is that it’s not going to be long enough. I love Moogy so much, and I hate seeing her in distress. We’re obviously hoping that the medications will help alleviate the uncomfyness and make her feel like herself again, as much as possible, at least for a little while. If she doesn’t get back more quality of life soon, we’re going to have to make a very difficult decision. I know it’s not fair to keep her around if she’s in pain, just for our own selfish sake. But I’m not ready to let go of her yet.

What's up, Doc

2012-01-31T22:07:00.001-08:00

I wish sleep was something you could bank and dole out to yourself at times when you just haven’t had enough. I don’t know exactly when it would be that I’d get the chance to put sleep in the bank for those ‘rainy days’…but I still wish it was a possibility! I’m really suffering from T-I-R-E-D right now, can you tell?! Andy is so much like his Momma, so I can’t blame him for his ways, but that boy just does not like to sleep…at least not for long…not without the insatiable need to pull my hair, ask for something to drink, pull my hair…and pull my hair some more.

This morning I took Andrew to a pediatrician. He’s had some poop issues that I won’t get into, but that’s been going on for longer than what we would think to be ‘normal’. We took him to our family doctor about a week ago and the doctor referred us to a pediatrician. We were also told to take a poo sample to the lab, and have him GET A BLOOD TEST.

We put off both those things, because ultimately we’d have to get the blood test done if we took in the stool sample. I was freaking out about the idea of making Andrew get blood taken. Seriously, a 3 year old, getting a needle stuck in his arm and at least one vial of blood removed. How do you honestly expect that to go? I was worried he’d become traumatized by doctors, when as it stands right now he is the most brave and trusting person when it comes to his doctors’ appointments. He’s downright amazing! Totally just himself, not the least bit nervous. He opens up to say, ‘Aaah’, let’s the doctor look in his ears, eyes, listen to his heart. Today he even took proper deep breaths when asked, while the doctor listened! He has always been super brave when getting his flu shots, but even though he might not have shed a single tear with the last one, I DID have to hold him very firmly, and obviously he didn’t LIKE getting the needle. I know how I feel about getting blood taken and I’ve had it done more times than I can count. So to put him through that for the first time at 3 years old…yikes.

Thankfully I felt the way I did about it – the pediatrician recommended holding off on that. This sort of issue is apparently quite common in little ones, particularly after a cold or virus of some kind, which this issue did start as a result of when Andrew had his cold in December. Our family doctor said that it was possible the boy had a food intolerance, but didn’t think it was all that likely since he doesn’t have any other symptoms, such as rash or complaining of a sore tummy. In fact, even the poop issue doesn’t phase him at all, he’s always his usual happy-go-lucky self, bouncing off the walls. The pediatrician confirmed this, and said that cow’s milk, as well as sugar, can prolong diarrhea, but wouldn’t be the direct cause given the lack of other issues. So if we cut out milk and sugary things like apple juice for several weeks, he’s likely to be better faster…but the doctor said not cutting anything out, he’ll get back to normal, just taking a little longer to get there. I’m cool with cutting back on things, but cutting out altogether is tough when there are only certain things he wants a lot of the time. He eats fairly well balanced over all, but he’s at that age where he sometimes only wants certain things, and that’s just the way it is. If you want to come over and tell him he can’t have a small glass of milk even though it’s the only thing in the world he desires, you be my guest! But I think I might have some trouble laying down the law on those sorts of things, at least in an absolute way…

It was good to go to the appointment, even though it’s not like there was some sort of breakthrough – I pretty much felt it would go as it did. I’m just relieved to get the OK to not get my boy having to give blood. If in a month he’s still having issues, we might have to go that route, but I’m optimistic that it’s not going to come to that. I’m determined that it’s not, because I hate the thought of putting my little guy through that!

I wonder if one day they’ll come up with a super un-invasive way of taking blood so this sort of thing wouldn’t even be an issue?!

So today was Andrew at the doctor, and tomorrow it’s Moorka at the vet. Unfortunately for her, she DOES have to give blood…I just hope it all comes back that she’s got something minor and easily fixed. I just want our little family to be healthy and happy, kitty cats and all.

In human years, she's in her seventies...

2012-01-30T11:51:00.000-08:00

Picture taken in 2005, a few months after we took Moorka in as our 'foster child.'

Our fluffball grey and white kitty, Moorka, isn’t doing so well. It seems as though she has aged 100 years in the past couple of days. To say it’s freaking me out is an understatement.

She has a vet appointment on Wednesday. I’m hoping the almost $400 we were quoted for blood tests will tell us she’s OK. But given how fragile her spine feels to the touch, and how withered her face is looking, and how waddle-y she is when she tries to walk…I just don’t know. It’s not helping that she seems to have a really bad cold – lots of sneezing, watery, goopy eyes. She has taken to laying by her water dish but not drinking, looking at the food bowl but not eating, crying incessantly, in and out of the cat box…None of these are her usual behaviours. She’s very affectionate, which was never a normal behaviour either, although in her older age she has become a lot more affectionate with anyone who will give her attention.

She doesn’t appear to be in pain when we touch her, and she doesn’t try to hide from us or anything, which is a good sign. Although I know from experience with James’ family cat Tinker, cats are hard to read when it comes to pain. Her situation was very different in that she was vomiting and had other obvious signs of a major problem…but we only realized she wasn’t well THREE DAYS before we had to have her put down. In hindsight there were some signs that could have led us to believe she was sick a lot earlier, but cats are so resilient and without being able to communicate with words, sometimes the warning signs can go unnoticed. There’s still nothing we’d have been able to do for her, and I know we did the right thing when we said goodbye to Tinker…but I hate the thought of having to go through that again. And with our Moogy, it just kills me…I love her so much! Of course, we always love every cat we have for different reasons. They’re all so unique and loveable in their own way. It’s just…Moorka is extra special to me. There’s just something about her.

I don’t want to get ahead of myself, as it seems as though I’m talking like she’s already gone. Maybe the vet will have a great explanation for why she’s unwell, and a simple solution for keeping her going a long, long time. The thing that worries me is that she’s 14. And, like I said, she’s looking ancient all of a sudden. Her spine isn’t suddenly going to go back to that of a kitten. She’s an old girl, and obviously there’s something wrong with her. I just can’t believe this is happening right now.

My bigger worry, beyond my own feelings around the possibility of losing her, is how it’s going to affect Andrew. I know they say that you can’t properly grieve or understand real grief till around the ages of 7 or 8. But Andrew is very intuitive. I was talking to him about Moorka the other day, trying to prepare him in some small way. He was jumping on the bed while she was trying to rest, so I explained that she’s not feeling well and we need to take extra good care of her. He asked why she’s not well and I said that she’s old, and cats don’t get to live as long as humans do. I said that she might be OK, but she might not, and if she’s not she wouldn’t be able to stay with us anymore. I have NO IDEA if this is an appropriate way to talk to a young child about death. I still question how I went about telling him we lost the baby, because it seemed to really affect him badly that it had to ‘go away’ and couldn’t stay with us. But, really, what else could I have said but the truth?

He got his pursed lip pout thing when I said she might not be able to stay with us, and he said, ‘But she will come back.’ I said, ‘Well, maybe she’ll go where Emma and Tessa are and she can be with them.’ (He has already been through the loss of the spannies). He told me he wants her to stay with us, instead. I do too…

I hate the idea of my little boy having to face the loss of a loved one. He ADORES his kitty cats, he talks about them all the time. When he’s drawing pictures of his family, those cats are a top priority. When we’re going out for the day, he will say, ‘I don’t want to go!’ and when I ask him why not, his reply is always, ‘Because I’ll miss the kitty cats.’ He arrived home from the hospital less than 24 hours after being born, and the kitty cats were there to greet him. Moorka went up and sniffed at him, and I think Fifi even licked him. They are his big sisters, and he’s so loyal to them. I don’t want to feel the pain of losing either one of them, but I’d take all the pain in the world over Andrew having to feel it. I know it won’t be the same for him, because his concept of death isn’t how it really is. And I guess that’s a saving grace, because while he WILL be sad, he’ll go on with his daily routine essentially like nothing happened…That’s what he did when the girls (spannies) died – I could tell he knew it was sad, and he seemed to show some amount of grief, but then he was on to something else in no time at all. It’s just that he still mentions them sometimes, Emma in particular since he got to know her better, and he’ll say things like, ‘I want her to come back. I will pat her under her chin and she will give me kisses and SHE WILL COME BACK!’ Those sorts of things really tear at the ol’ heart strings!

Hopefully Moorka still has a good chunk of time with us yet.

Digging into the rainbow cake

2012-01-29T23:20:00.000-08:00

Caught red handed!

In search of contentment

2012-01-29T00:46:00.001-08:00

It’s 12:30am and yes, I’m still up. SLEEP is a pattern I need to change. Or should I say, start. I feel like I don’t have a pattern to speak of, because the one I do have is not. good.

I want to try to be in bed by midnight starting tomorrow night, and try to be consistent about it. Yes, it means losing an hour or so of time to myself in the evening. But what do I really do with that time but fritter it away? So it would be better spent resting, anyway.

I want to work at being as healthy as I can be. Part of that means trying to consciously make the healthiest meals I can. I tend to make relatively healthy meals most of the time, or so I believe, but I want to think more about everything when it comes to food and what I eat. Being healthy also means getting more exercise. I do get a fair bit in terms of walking, and chasing Andrew, carrying him, etc. We run around a lot, dance together, get our heart rates up and all of that. But I want to start (more routinely) running or doing yoga or SOMETHING beyond what I do normally. It may have been enough before, the routine I’ve been in, but it’s not anymore.

I want to write more, read more, and be more active with doing things that in my mind I keep telling myself I’m going to do but don’t. Or I start to do, but then falter, which is kind of the same as just not doing. It’s time to stop talking the talk, but actually walk the walk, in various aspects of my life.

I need to be harsh with myself in the sense that I have to crack that whip and force myself to DO THINGS. But I also have to be very mindful about being kind to myself. Self care is so important. Ever since I lost the baby, I’ve kind of bean beating myself up a little bit. I’ve also been trying very hard to tell myself it wasn’t my fault, like everyone else says. I’ve also made an effort to try to take the best care of myself that I can (or could, considering what I was going through) – I really have been TRYING to be calm, relaxed, unstressed – in hopes of another pregnancy happening soon. And I AM still trying to be that way…but when I really think about it, I’m still very much beating myself up, maybe even sub-consciously. It’s hard to explain. No, I certainly did nothing INTENTIONALLY to harm my unborn child, and it’s true that it possibly WASN’T my fault that it happened. But MY BODY did expel my baby, there’s no question there, and no matter how much time has gone by (3 months and 19 days) it still hurts so bad. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about it. I don’t understand my body, and I fear I never will.

BUT I have to work hard at being positive and remind myself that bad things happen sometimes, and maybe there is no explanation other than ‘just because.’ I have to remind myself that I can’t go back in time, and even if I could I would probably still be in the same boat now anyway. I can’t beat myself up about it because that’s not going to change what happened. I know that, and quite often I think I’m OK at practicing that, but the fact that I can’t seem to practice it all the time is a problem that I need to work on.

I want my life to start making more sense. I think just focusing on what I can control, and sending out positive vibes while striving for contentment, well that’s pretty much all I can do.

A fresh 'do

2012-01-27T00:18:00.001-08:00

I got my hair cut and coloured a few days ago and it feels GREAT. When I look at myself in the mirror I feel like I still need to get used to it – it’s a big change – but I think I love it already. It’s along the lines of a bob, very short in the back with still a bit of length toward the front. Instead of straight bangs they’re very textured, which I’m hoping will make it easier when inevitably I end up trimming them myself because I can’t stand long bangs hanging into my eyes. The colour is dark brown with red highlights, not that different from how it was, but definitely noticeable. It feels so much lighter and more stylish. I love how it feels like I have no hair at all. I think it’s the perfect hair cut because my stylist didn’t even straighten it after blow drying because it honestly didn’t need it. After Andrew was born I got a similar haircut and I remember it was the lowest maintenance hairstyle ever. If I recall correctly, I vowed to keep it that way forever just because it was SO SIMPLE to deal with, yet still stylish. It’s beyond awesome to get up in the morning and not have to do any primping!

My hair happens to be one of Andrew’s most prized possessions. It might even be his #1! I’m not kidding, since a verrry early age, my hair has been his security blanket. He doesn’t have a blanky or a stuffed animal that he takes with him everywhere. If he’s got my hair to grab a hold of, he’s good to go. Which is probably one reason why our attempts to get him sleeping in his own bed have been unsuccessful. He needs his security blanket when he wakes up in the middle of the night! We’ve joked about me shaving my head and making my hair into a wig that we could place on his pillow so when he wakes in the night he’d reach out and think I was right there and go back to sleep!!

Because of Andrew’s obsession with my hair, I felt it was necessary to tell him in advance what I was getting done at the hair dressers. He kept saying, ‘But WHY are you getting it cut?’ and ‘But you’re not cutting this part, or this part, or this part’ while grabbing pretty much every strand. I promised him there would still be hair, just not quite as much. He wasn’t thrilled with the idea, but he accepted that it was happening regardless of what he wanted.

When I went to my aunt’s after the appointment to pick him up, he touched my hair and said, ‘Why did you do that, Mommy?’ I told him I needed a change and he said, ‘It’s bootiful, Mommy.’ He touched the back and said, ‘I can’t hold it here,’ then he touched the sides and said, ‘But I still have this part and this part!’ :D

Home is where the heart is...

2012-01-26T15:17:00.000-08:00

Home is so important to me. Some people can travel around, even live in places that are furnished with other people’s furniture, and essentially not think of any one place as ‘their’ home. We might not own the place we live in, but I definitely see it as our home. As much as I was talking in my last post of wanting to change up our routines a bit, I need a place to nest. Nesting is right up there on my list of favourite things to do. Don’t get me wrong - I love going out and exploring, getting fresh air, having a change of scenery and a sense of adventure. I don’t like to be cooped up at home 24/7. But for me, home truly is where the heart is.

Tomorrow our landlord is dropping by with a new one year contract for us to sign. It’s hard to believe we’ve been living here almost a year already, it still feels so new in some ways. I remember so clearly coming to look at the place for the first time, not wanting to fall in love with it because of how far away it seemed to be to everything compared to our place in Coal Harbour. But we DID fall in love with it, pretty much instantly, and it hasn’t worn off at all. We made an awesome decision when we decided to go for it, move back to the ‘burbs, and create a proper home-space for Andrew. His bedroom could still be bigger, but it certainly beats the ‘storage closet’ (literally) that he had before! And the yard space, beautiful greenery, and general quietness here is pretty much beyond my expectations. Yes, our upstairs neighbour could be less of a night owl for my liking, but if that’s my only complaint, I’ll take it.

We also couldn’t be luckier with our landlords, truly. I’d imagine it’s always a gamble, both for the tenants and the renters – when you meet someone they’re not necessarily going to be who you’d want them to be. But I had a feeling from the first email exchange between me and our landlord that she was genuine. They are so awesome that they’re not even giving us a rent increase, which makes me beyond happy! In fact, I feel like celebrating that fact. I’m sort of considering the idea of doing some painting in the condo to freshen it up. Knowing we’re here guaranteed for another year, and the fact that we’ll be saving a bundle with not getting more added onto our monthly expenses through a rent increase, makes it seem not so bad to spend a little bit to do some updating. I love the colour of this place already so I don’t think it would be a major change, but just something to make it feel newer. Maybe it’s part of my plan to mix things up a bit, even if in just some small way.

I want to get one of those sun lamp thingies. Anyone know anything about them, or have experience with using one? I’m talking about those lamps that are supposed to actually simulate the sun, and can help with things like seasonal affective disorder. I feel like this condo, while overall perfect, is a little dark…all the time. I prefer it to how our last place was – so bright all the time that the only days I could have the blinds open through the afternoon was on the darkest, dreariest days. I’d rather it be a little darker and be able to have the blinds open all day long. I love looking out at the trees and almost feeling as if I’m in the middle of the forest somewhere. But I do sometimes wonder if the darkness can affect me somewhat negatively, given how often I do tend to be at home. So maybe one of those lamps would help with that, and brighten things up in here a bit? I’ll have to look into it.

We weren’t sure if we wanted to sign another year lease, because why be locked into something when you never know exactly what you might want to do months down the line. I try to live like I never know what tomorrow brings anymore, let alone months or a year. I feel like even when I think I have security, I feel unstable these days. Last year (in general) really screwed with my head that way. But on the other hand, I can’t really see anything making us not want to be here anymore. Not in the time frame of the next year. And if anything, I DO feel secure knowing we won’t have to go anywhere in that span of time, because I’m so happy in this place. I wish we could expand it ever so slightly…if there was one more room here, I could see us living here for a really long time. But it fits us pretty perfectly for the time being. While I’ve loved every place we’ve chosen to live since moving in together 13 years ago (all 4 of them), each for their own reasons – this is by far my favourite of them all.

It's time I mixed things up a bit...

2012-01-25T23:50:00.000-08:00

I need to take charge, switch things up. It’s so easy to get caught up in routine.

I’m tired of the routine I’m in. I get out, most often with Andrew, on little adventures here and there. But we don’t tend to stray too far from our usual haunts (read: comfort zone). In our defence, it’s winter and cold and often rainy, and it’s sometimes hard to come up with places to go when we can’t spend too long outside…and we have to factor in transiting to wherever we choose to go, which can have limitations for several reasons. But who am I kidding – there’s tons of stuff we can do that isn’t the same as our every day routine that would be simple enough to go and do. We just have to actually go and do.

I need to mix things up so everything doesn’t feel so ordinary. I want to cook different meals for dinner. Last night James asked me what I’d like to drink as he made us a little snack to eat while watching a show. I found myself saying that there has to be something else out there to drink because I am sick and tired of every beverage we have in the house.

It might sound dramatic, but I went as far as to say that I’m sick of water, and tea, and juice, and just about everything, and it’s a tad frightening to think I feel that way at 31. If I’m sick of everything I drink now, how will I feel in another 31 years?! Or even just 5 for that matter. It’s not even so much that I hate water or tea or juice or our usual drink choices, I like them all and I’ll happily continue drinking them. I just want something different. So much in life becomes routine, to the point we don’t even think about most of what we do on a daily basis. We’re going through the motions. And that’s fine and good, it has to be done, but things can get shaken up every once in a while to add a new twist to an old favourite! That’s what I want to do with many aspects of my life. I need a twist, a hint of something new.

Wondering what the future will hold

2012-01-24T19:49:00.001-08:00

I don’t know if it’s because it’s the start of my ‘new year’ coming up (it’s my birthday in a few weeks) but I’m feeling a lot of pressure lately to finally tackle some of the most important things on my life’s TO DO list.

Have I actually made any head way on these items? No…But at least I’ve started thinking more about the things that are important to me, and I’m brainstorming ideas. I have to get more focused and make some serious effort if I’m actually going to get anywhere, though. I feel like I’m motivated enough, so there should be no stopping me, right? Right??

I got to thinking about Andrew and how he’ll see me as he grows older, and then of course horrible thoughts entered my mind, such as what if something were to happen to me before he himself is getting old (therefore meaning we didn't have as much time together as what I'd hoped). What if something were to happen to me before I felt like I’d truly accomplished something that could be left behind that was mine? For some reason this is really important to me. I HAVE accomplished things, and at least Andrew would have the journals and scrapbooks and things I’d be leaving behind, but…that’s not enough. I want there to be something more that defines me, if what defines me is what is left behind once I’m gone.

I’ve just been SO TIRED lately, and I think I need to work on THAT first, before I can gain the focus I need to accomplish any big project. My tiredness gets ridiculous at times. It’s true that Andrew wakes me up several times EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. Without fail. But I’m basically as used to that as a person can get. It can’t be a deficiency in something because I had 10 vials of blood taken recently and was tested for everything imaginable, and all the tests came back perfect. I was hopeful that I was getting so tired because I was pregnant again, but…I’m not so sure anymore. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m not. It has been a roller coaster couple of weeks and I’m going to be devastated if my period starts, which I have an inkling it’s going to…

It feels like the biggest blow ever, because right now, I am 11 days late for my period. Oh shit, I just saw that for what it is…the number 11 again. I think my period could possibly start tonight, and that is on the 11^th day of the hope I had that it wouldn’t happen and I’d get a positive pregnancy test. Wow. The number 11 hates me for some reason. I can definitely say with 100% certainty that I hate IT.

It’s so hard to deal with this. I wasn’t going to blog about it, but let’s face it, it’s what’s going on in my life right now. Other than James I haven’t mentioned it to anyone, because we’re not really wanting to tell friends and family that we’re trying again. Not that there aren’t a few select people I’d want to tell if I miscarried again, but ultimately we don’t want everyone and their dog to know we’re pregnant if it’s not going to work out. Now it almost seems worse…because we’re not getting pregnant at all.

I KNOW it’s only 3 months since the loss. I know that. But this is coming from someone who both other times getting pregnant, it took 2 weeks. Basically we didn’t have to ‘try’, it just happened quickly like it was the most meant-to-be thing on the planet. When I had the appointment with the gynecologist several weeks back, when I told her how ‘easily’ I conceived in the past, she said I should get pregnant really quickly again and everything should be just fine. If I DO get my period and I’m NOT pregnant, I am going to feel like something’s wrong. I know you can’t say that 2 times is a pattern, but…you can probably understand why I’d find it strange to not get pregnant after a few months of trying - this last month in particular trying to the point that it seems C-R-A-Z-Y to not have it work out, which all the more makes me worry, what if we can’t have another baby?? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST BABY, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

I feel like I’m just further traumatized as time goes by. I’m coping fairly well with the loss, but it just carries forward and never seems to end. It would be one thing if it happened and then I just decided to not try anymore and I was fine with that, or decided to wait another year or so and see where things go. But that’s not the case. I’m not OK with the idea that I might never have another child. And I definitely don’t want to wait a year or so, because I want to cry every time I think about how much bigger the age gap is getting between Andrew and his sibling. My heart cries every time he mentions a sister or brother as if he expects he’ll have one, because I just don’t know if it’s in the cards.

If it’s a no go this month, if it doesn’t happen next month, we need to take at least 2 months off from even trying – I don’t want to risk having another baby around Christmas. So that just pushes things along even further of waiting and wondering and not knowing and it’s KILLING ME.

It has been so hurtful doing pregnancy test after pregnancy test (both emotionally AND for our bank account…those tests are NOT cheap!) and every time getting a big fat NOT PREGNANT shoved in my face. I wouldn’t have bothered trying to find out if I even was if I wasn’t feeling so many symptoms that I was SURE I must be. I don’t trust my body at all anymore. In fact, I pretty much hate it most of the time.

I want to be positive (especially pregnantly – ha!) and I’m doing my best to remain as calm as I can. I’ve really thought about that a lot and have made an effort to be mindful of how my stress levels can make things difficult for conception. But honestly, this past month I have not been any more stressed than I would be normally, or according to my new sense of ‘normal’ these days. I don’t think that my stress levels would have made me not be able to get pregnant. I just don’t get it. I feel, honestly, and I know this might sound like I’m crazy, but it’s the truth – that the world is mean and cruel and I feel like screaming, what did I do to deserve this?? I can’t get over how things have spiraled out of control from how I envisioned where we would be. I should be giving birth in just over 3 months. But instead…I’m potentially emptier inside than I thought I was (hoped I was) a week ago. I’ve been so hopeful…It’s all I can do is hope and pray that things are going to work out for us, but…I’m just not sure.

I wish I could know when I would start to feel normal again. When will I find contentment? I wish I knew, because all of this not knowing, all these questions and uncertainty, it’s making life complicated in a way I just don’t want to deal with. It feels like a constant slap in the face. I know I should just be happy with what I’ve got, and I AM happy with what I’ve got, but who could blame me for feeling like there’s a void now?

That Bobbin...

2012-01-22T14:56:00.000-08:00

Andrew’s current favourite nursery rhyme is Robin the Bobbin.

Robin the Bobbin, the big-bellied Ben.

He ate more meat than fourscore men.

He ate a cow, he ate a calf.

He ate a butcher and a half.

He ate a church, he ate a steeple.

He ate the priest and all the people.

A cow and a calf.

An ox and a half.

A church and a steeple and all the good people.

And still he complained that his stomach wasn’t full.

He loves it because his Mother Goose book has a great picture of the giant in all his glory, picking people up to stash in his hat so he can gobble them all up. Andrew loves ‘bad guys’ so this is right up his alley! I read him the rhyme for the millionth time the other day, and when I finished he threw his hands up and said, ‘That Bobbin, he’s a piece of work!’

Days like these

2012-01-19T14:01:00.000-08:00

We’ve sort of decided that it’s not the right time to be purchasing a car. It’s days like today, though, that I really wish we had one. I just want to go do a grocery shop, and yes, I can certainly do that by taking transit. But it’s so limiting in terms of what I can get. I can only carry so much, even if I have my granny cart in tow. And it’s SO unrelaxing, spending about half an hour between waiting for 2 buses (yes, it takes TWO BUSES to get to the nearest grocery store from here) and actually getting on them. Then there’s the risk of the second bus on the way home having just gone by, which means at least a 15 minute wait for the next one. Or a 25 minute walk if I felt so inclined (which I don’t think I would with a ton of groceries).

I know, I shouldn’t complain. My problems could be so much worse! I just wish it was easier to grocery shop, is that so much to ask that I just be able to go get stocked up without it feeling like such a production?! Those of you with cars, don’t take it for granted that you can pop into the grocery store and load up!!

In other news…

Actually, I don’t really have any. I’ve been struggling to come up with things to write about lately. Not that nothing’s going on, but I don’t know…Every time I go to write something down I either stare at a blank screen, or I delete a partial paragraph before it goes anywhere because I’m positive it’s not going to go anywhere! I’m just in a funk with my thoughts or something. It’s hard to explain.

My mil in fact did take Andrew for the day today, although she apparently doesn’t want to take him anymore ‘unless he wants to.’ It seems a bit strange to me, but whatever. I’m done with second guessing her motives. It was nice to get a sleep in today, and I appreciate the quiet time for sure, but I feel like such a lazy slug and I don’t know what to do with myself. I did get some chores done, and of course there are ALWAYS more chores to do, but I don’t feel like spending my whole day on stuff like that. Sometimes it’s challenging, but for the most part Andrew is used to my cleaning frenzy ways, so I can do most chores when he’s home with me. In fact, the other day I was washing a wall (that sounds obsessive and actually I rarely wash walls, in fact almost never, and this one particular wall really needed it, so don’t judge!) and he came up to me and said, ‘I want to help!’ so I got him a cloth and he started scrubbing another wall! He got bored of it pretty quick, but still…he’s my little helper most of the time =)

Let it snow...

2012-01-18T23:32:00.000-08:00

Apparently we have more snow to ‘look forward to’ but I’ll believe it when I see it. Over the last several days we’ve had a bit of snow fall, but it has never amounted to much. We’ve got about an inch out there at this point. It was definitely very cold here, today in particular. I heard it was around -7, and I KNOW that’s nothing compared to other places that are experiencing record low temps, but for us THAT’S SERIOUSLY COOOOLD!

I really wanted to get Andrew out playing in the snow, and was hopeful that a blizzard might start and we could have a magical experience in the winter wonderland! It was snowing slightly when we got up this morning, but by the time we made our way out there in the afternoon, there really wasn’t enough snow to really play in. Plus it was so powdery, we couldn’t even make a miniature snowman.

I’m glad we have a little outdoor space, so we could just wander out there and then inevitably come back in about 10 minutes later without it being a big deal. Instead of playing in the snow, Andrew decided to have fun with chalk.

I was talking on the phone with James and Andrew interrupted to say, ‘Look Mommy, it’s an ‘A’ for Andrew!’ I looked over and indeed, it was! He drew the big ‘A’ (at the top of the picture) all on his own. I was pretty proud, and I think it’s awesome that he thought to try. Then he wanted his whole name written out for him, so I couldn’t help but indulge.

I don’t want a huge snowfall in the sense that it complicates us venturing very far, or at least venturing very far with ease. But I kind of wish it would actually SNOW, a significant enough amount that we could get out there and enjoy it, and THEN it could melt away over a couple of days and we could be done with it. I have to admit, I can’t stand the rigmarole of layering up, in particular layering Andrew up. Between the layers of shirts to ensure he’ll stay warm and then the puffy snowsuit he could barely walk around in, the gloves, etc…it’s exhausting just getting ready, and then having to take it all off again, so tedious!! I’m sure you do get used to it to some degree, but I admit that I love the fact that it’s a rare occurrence here to have to bundle up so much. Not so sure how I’d do in an ice age!!

Friday night out on the town

2012-01-14T12:26:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I went for a spa treatment and it was sooo relaxing. I had a ‘signature massage’ at the Spa at the Century Plaza on Burrard. After the treatment my hair was all oily and I felt weird about going on a date with super oily gross hair, so I had a shower there and got myself ready for Date Night. It felt sort of luxurious somehow to get ready there at the spa. Usually when I go to one (maybe once a year, on average) afterwards I just get myself dressed and leave, but it felt extra relaxing to be there for longer, even if I was just getting myself ready to go.

James met up with me there and the original plan was to wander and find somewhere to eat. It’s always a gamble when we do that, because I’m somewhat picky in where I will go. Mainly because I want there to be some vegetarian selection, but I also don’t particularly enjoy (at least not usually) super loud and busy restaurants. That’s not entirely true, it depends on the venue, but I was hoping for something romantic last night.

James thought ahead, because he’s awesome like that, and did some research on his lunch break. He found a restaurant not too far from the hotel called Cibo and suggested we give it a shot. We got there and we were the very first people to arrive. I said I don’t tend to like super busy places, but when you’re the only ones it can sometimes mean there’s something not luring people into that restaurant! Not the case at Cibo, though, (which by the way is the restaurant attached to Moda Hotel) – I knew it would likely get busier, it’s just that we got there around 5:45 so it was a tad on the early side. (As it happened, it was getting fairly busy by the time we were ready to go).

I loved the atmosphere of the place right away. Very modern, yet also original. When I looked at the menu I was a tad surprised that James picked that place for us. I was in a really good mood after the relaxing massage, and I'd ordered a glass of red wine that I was already sipping, so all was well, but…If I’d been in a sour mood the menu would have pushed me right over the edge. Seriously, do people really order ‘ox tongue’ or ‘crispy pig’s head’? You could actually eat pretty much every part of a pig if you had several courses. I was kind of disgusted by that. There weren’t very many vegetarian options, but the options they did have sounded good, so I just put the rest of the menu to the back of my mind and we ordered the veggie stuff!

James got a ravioli and I had the risotto. Both were tasty, though the ravioli seemed a bit boring after tasting the risotto, since it had so many flavours in it. Both were good, but I would have liked to see them better presented. The ravioli was just on its own, and the sauce wasn’t anything to look at it, so it would have made sense to garnish it or have some sort of addition. I should mention that the complimentary Focaccia bread as a starter was DELISH! We shared a vanilla gelato with brandy and preserved peaches for dessert that was very tasty. Over all, a very good experience, I just personally don’t feel I can recommend the place for fear what people might order there! It freaks me out some of the options…

From there we headed back to the Century Plaza to hit up the Comedy Mix to see John Dore, MC’d by Graham Clark, with a small set featuring Dave Shumka.

I’d always wanted to go there when it was Yuk Yuk’s but we never got around to it, so I was really excited to be going finally. We could have had front row seats, but neither of us wanted to be that close, so we actually chose really good seats right at the back. We got there at 7 (when it opened, show starting at 8) and it was a good thing – a few minutes after we arrived it really filled up. It was nice to just order some drinks and chat and do a bit of people watching before the show started.

It seemed like a very young crowd, in fact we felt kind of old there which is a strange feeling given we’re really not that old! But it didn’t matter all that much, and for the most part it was a good crowd.

Graham Clark, the MC, was HILARIOUS. I would definitely go back to see him as the main performance. Soooo hilarious. I loved his bit about the bear in Vancouver recently, and his cracks about how he looks homeless. He’s really amazing at improv and totally had the crowd in stitches.

Dave Shumka was funny, but maybe not really my personal taste. A few of his jokes I found funny, but for the most part I wasn’t really laughing much during his set. I’ll leave it at that.

Then John Dore came out and I was practically in tears laughing so hard within 30 seconds. And he wasn’t even telling a joke with a punch line! Shortly after he came out he said he was about to get started and then just started saying, ‘Ok, here we go…Ok…Right…Ok….Right….Right…Ok…Here we go…Ok….’ Etc, and you had to be there of course but it was SO FUNNY! His delivery is amazing, and he’s just hilarious. One girl there seemed to hate that he was doing this particular non-joke thing right off the bat, and yelled out at him, ‘Why don’t you say something funny?’ He was taken aback by it when she said he hadn’t told a joke yet and she wanted to hear something funny, so he replied something along the lines of, ‘Ooooh, we have a princess in the back corner who wants tonight to be all about her!’ He actually left the stage to go talk to her, which caused her to run out of the room and she ended up not coming back! He chased after her trying to get her to come back but she was really angry with him! Then he went back to the stage and re-did his hilarious ‘Ok, alright…’ etc bit and it was just as funny as the first time!

He told many funny jokes and over all I really did enjoy his set. A few things though…One, which a lot of guy comedians do, is put women down and act like it’s funny. When he said things like how one of his rules in life is to ‘F as many b*tches as I can’ – I just don’t find that the least bit funny. It’s NOT funny, and it’s NOT cool. I get that he gets off on alienating people and offending as many people as he can in as funny a way as possible, but I just find those kinds of jokes make me respect him (or any comedian who does this) less, when without those few select jokes I would like them so much more. I kind of feel that if you say those things even in a joking way, you do mean it to some extent, and that’s not cool at all.

Everything was going awesome till about 10 minutes before the show ended. I’m at least glad it was toward the end, but still, I’m kind of still reeling from the fact that it happened at all. If you read this blog regularly, you can probably guess what the absolute WORST joke would be about, in my books. Well, it was done last night. John Dore had a joke about a baby being flushed down the toilet.

It was in poor taste, but if I hadn’t been through what I went through losing the baby, I wouldn’t have felt like leaving at that moment. The thing is, the point of the spa/dinner/date was supposed to be for me to forget all the bad stuff that I’ve been dealing with and just relax and enjoy a night out. Having that particular joke heard and laughed at by a crowd of people just felt…really, really bad. It was very unfortunate, because seriously, how many people would crack a joke about something like that, right?! I doubt it’s something many people would even think about. It just so happened it was a part of last night’s set.

So as much fun as I had, I was ready to leave when the show ended, that’s for sure. There were a few other jokes, such as one involving abortion, that I also felt could have been omitted. Not because he didn’t have a funny punch line for it, it’s just that sometimes you really do want to go out and have some laughs to escape the bad things in your life, and I would imagine women who have had an abortion might not want to be reminded of it, just as I could have REALLY done without being reminded of my miscarriage. But beyond that, if you can deal with some crass humour that you probably won’t WANT to laugh at but for the most part can’t help but do so, I’d recommend checking out John Dore!

On the way home it started to snow, which was kind of magical (if not a tad bit cold for my liking, I wasn’t quite prepared for it!) I ended up getting a full night’s sleep, which was AWESOME! The guy upstairs was noisy and I woke up around 2:30 and was worried I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, but I finally did and slept till 20 to 10. What a nice treat that was!

We’ve had a nice relaxing morning, and it’s so pretty outside, watching the snow dripping off the trees now that the sun is out. We haven’t heard as to how the boy’s night went – for my parents’ sake I hope he slept! I guess he’ll be coming home soon. Better go enjoy the silence while we have it! Then we’ll light a fire and have a cozy afternoon inside.