Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Our morning rut needs to change

More venting, I know...I just really need to right now.

Yesterday a friend and her two kids came over for a visit in the morning.  It’s so great having a friend who you really get along with, whose kids also really get along with yours.  It makes a huge difference!  Her son is almost a year older than the girls but will be starting Kindergarten at the same time as them (unfortunately not at the same school though) and her daughter is two but also has a fun time playing with Margaret and Emily.  Sadly Andrew always misses out on the visits (occasionally he gets to see them) because he’s at school, which I realize come September will be sad for her daughter because when we get together on a week day she won’t have any kids to play with!  But still, it’s nice to have friends with kids a similar age, and a similar lifestyle.  I find a lot of people may be great to hang out with sometimes, but it makes a big difference feeling like we have similar lives.  

Anyway, even though I’ve been in this funk and feeling out of sorts and could easily cut myself off from bothering to do anything, I’ve been forcing myself to make an effort to still socialize and do things.  And it does help, for sure.  

Case in point though...When feeling on the verge of burning out, a scenario like this really makes it difficult not to be negative: This morning Andrew was relatively good for me, which is saying a lot because most mornings it seems to be a screaming match between us just getting out the door to school.  It has been really rough lately that way.  So this morning he was good and in a better mood, so instead of parking right near where his classroom is and just watching him go to his class from the car (which we do in part because the girls find it too cold to get out and wait with him, but also I have a rule that bad behaviour in the morning means we don’t walk him to class) I parked a little further up the street and said we would see him into his class today.  I felt like I was doing a good thing, and for a very fleeting moment I felt happy because I knew Andrew would be pleased.  Unfortunately, Margaret was having none of that, and started screaming and crying and having a full on tantrum at the mere idea of having to get out of the car because she was cold and didn’t want to.  I know that I could have pulled her out of the car anyway, kicking and screaming and all, to take Andrew to his classroom.  But I felt immediately broken just by the fact that once again I couldn’t make everyone happy at once, there always has to be an issue for someone with what I’m suggesting we do.  I’ve also dealt with far too many tantrumy moments in the presence of the other parents at school drop off this school year, mostly with Andrew freaking out at me about something.  So I really try to avoid drawing attention to myself where possible!  So I told Andrew I was sorry, but that I could walk him down as far as the sidewalk was concerned but not go right to his classroom due to his sister’s poor behaviour.  Instead of being able to reason with him, it all just made him angry and he grabbed up all of his stuff in a huff and got out of the van and slammed the door and walked off, glaring back at me periodically as he went.

Now, normally even if we’re in the van I always wait till the bell rings and see that Andrew got into his class before I drive away.  This time I was so fed up - and upset - with all of it that I left right away, and took the girls home for a few before it was time to go take them to preschool.

I feel like I do so much for everyone and try my very best to make everyone happy.  But I can’t please everyone, although sometimes it would seem I can’t please anyone.  I’m so tired of it.  I sometimes wonder why I even bother, because everything always ends up in tears or a screaming matching or glares.  It’s very, very tiresome.

It’s not always like this, definitely the kids can get along and play well together and they do love each other.  But I have been finding myself feeling dejected more often than not lately due to how our mornings start, and that sets the tone for the day, which clearly isn’t working for me.  Once I’m thrown off like that, I end up less patient, more bitter, and just without the pep needed to want to put in more effort.  I know I’ve said before I dislike change but this is an area where change is badly needed!!

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