Saturday, December 16, 2017

Christmas time is almost here

Today marks 12 years since James proposed to me!  That’s crazy.  In some ways it really doesn’t feel that long ago.

Time goes by fast, like this month just whizzing by before my very eyes.  How can it already be just 9 days till Christmas?!  I don’t feel ready for it somehow, and yet I can’t help but be excited about it.

The kids have been busy with school activities centered around holiday time, which means I’ve also been busy with school activities centered around holiday time!  I recently helped the girls’ class with an art project making cute little angel ornaments.  It was fun, and I was happy to be asked to help, because it’s special to be a part of those moments, having had the same opportunity (in the same classroom, with the same teacher even!) when Andrew was in Kindergarten.  I enjoy getting to know the personalities of a lot of the kids in the class, and knowing they feel comfortable around me because they’re used to seeing me, much like the kids in Andrew’s K class got to know me and still say Hi to me 3 years later.

I drove the girls’ and one of their friends to their first ever skating lesson.  They had so much fun!  I was nervous at first because it was a free for all skate, not a proper lesson per se, and Emily was helped onto the ice and given a bar to use (we were at a different rink for all the years leading up to this for Andrew’s lessons, and they had a no bar policy, so already this was different).  She was slip sliding along using the bar, barely holding herself up and obviously feeling overwhelmed with how out of control she was.  She turned to look at me through the plexiglass that separated us, and got her adorable yet heart-breaking sob face and I couldn’t hear her but I could read her lips as she said, ‘Mommy, I just want to go home!’  Emily isn’t way over the top sensitive, but she definitely leans more toward the sensitive side, and I feared that if someone didn’t rescue her and make her feel more comfortable, she was going to hate skating for life based on this one terrible experience.  I was about ready to walk onto the ice in my boots (I honestly don’t know how to skate myself so I’d be better off in my street shoes!) when one of the older kids (they were skating with the grade 6’s and maybe some 7’s) that Emily knows from school that often looks out for her came over and helped her along.  Suddenly her face softened and I could see some excitement in her eyes.  Soon she was gliding gleefully across the ice, and grinned at me when I gave her a thumbs up sign to let her know I was seeing how great she was doing.  Those are the kinds of moments that melt my heart.  A while later another older student who I don’t know took to her and really helped her along.  He even had her away from the bar for a while, skating all on her own, or holding his hand.  It was so sweet to watch!

Margaret was less nervous from the get go, but mostly stuck to the bar.  She had a bit of help from the older kids but for the most part she was happy to skate around with the bar on her own, and would keep an eye on Emily to make sure they didn’t stray too far from each other.  I don’t think it was so much that she was looking out for her sister as she just wanted to know she was nearby.  The girls aren’t clingy as twins but they do like to know each other is around.  They don’t have to be attached at the hip by any means, but if they can’t find each other after a while they’ll definitely inquire as to where their other half is!

I enjoyed taking them to skating, truthfully much more so than I enjoyed taking Andrew in the past.  He went once a week for 4 weeks every year till now, and I would drive him and usually 3 other kids each time, lace them all up, make sure they got on the ice, and afterwards would help them all get ready to leave, feed them a snack I brought along for the car ride back, and take them back to school.  It was a lot of work in some ways, but I did enjoy being able to help out and be there to watch Andrew skate.  The thing was, he always acted as if the umbilical cord had yet to be cut, and would FREAK THE EFF OUT if I so much as glanced away from him for a split second.  I felt that skating was an opportunity for me to watch him on the ice, but also at times chat with his teacher, or other parents of kids in his class.  Instead, I was made to feel (by him) that if I strayed from watching him for even a moment I was ruining his life, on and off the ice, and he would literally throw tantrums, sob, and make the entire experience miserable.  Not saying it was like that every single time, to that degree, but some variant of it.  I remember once when he was in grade one, I went next door to the rink to grab a coffee (after telling his teacher I’d be gone for just a few minutes) and when I came back it was as if his entire world had ended.  It was ridiculous.  Absolutely ri-di-cu-lous!  And emotionally taxing.  I love the kid to bits but O-M-G!!  So in stark contrast to that, it was hugely refreshing to take the girls, and be able to tell them, ‘If you can’t see me right here beyond the plexiglass, know I am right over there in the warm waiting area!’  They didn’t even notice me most of the time I was there watching them, let alone when I’d left to go warm up for a while.

This year, due to being at a rink much closer to home, the Kindergarten kids were the only ones who would need a ride there and back, whereas grades 1 through 7 would be walking.  So I told Andrew that I wasn’t going to see him skate because 1) I was already driving the girls in the morning and didn’t want to have to go back to the rink again later that same day, and 2) I was honest and said he’d probably do better to not have me there because he could focus on skating and not be making my life a living hell if I blinked my eyes!  LOL  I do think it’s important to be honest with kids about such things!!  Although this year he has shown a lot more independence, at least at school, and doesn’t necessarily even want me there sometimes (which is a whole new thing to get used to!  In some ways it’s great, I won’t lie!  In others, it’s sad how quickly he’s growing up and doesn’t need me as much!  It’s funny how the grass is always greener on the other side!)

Last Saturday Andrew had his Christmas concert for his dance school.  He was in an Acro number with kids aged 10 and up, so he was younger than everyone being that he’s not quite 9, but he definitely managed to hold his own, and was a shining star on stage, as always.  He literally shines, like he just belongs on stage.  He loves performing so much, which amazes me since I was scarred for life by my ballet recitals as a young child and can’t imagine ever being comfortable on a stage, but I’m glad he enjoys it so much!

This week it was the school Christmas concerts, and they had the odd divisions perform on Tuesday, and the even divisions on Thursday.  Wouldn’t you know Andrew is in an odd division, and the girls are even!  So we had to go to both concerts.  It was the exact same performance both times, just different kids doing it, so it was a bit strange in some ways to have to watch the same show like that, but over all it was good.  James was able to work from home so he could attend the afternoon performances with me, and then my parents were able to use the tickets to go to the evening performances.  Both were good, and I loved seeing Andrew up there all dressed up in his finery, tie included.  The girls had to wear pajamas for their number, so they chose their Christmas onesies.  I thought Emily might not like being on stage but she sang every word and was right into the music.  Margaret sang for the most part, but I think she was busy looking for us in the audience, and didn’t like that she couldn’t find us.  They both did well, but the song was slow and all the kids, not just ours, looked kind of miserable - not because they necessarily were, but because the song wasn’t entirely upbeat.  I kind of wish that had been different, but it was good nonetheless, and they really seemed to enjoy themselves.  

Lots of plans this weekend, and a busy week ahead and then Christmas will be here before we know it!!

Wednesday, December 06, 2017

Worst management company ever

I really don’t want to be focusing on annoying, negative crap, but I feel like this needs to be written, for one so I can try to get it off my chest, and for another so I have it documented.

Our management company is pretty much the worst imaginable.  They do NOTHING.  They don’t even do the bare minimum at this point.  They either ignoring our requests altogether for maintenance, or they say they’re getting to it ‘soon’ in the hopes we’ll just forget about it and stop asking.  Or, they book times for stuff and then when I call to confirm those times, they say they've been cancelled (because they of course never had any intention of following through).

Last week we spent just under $160 to have our chimney swept, after not having it done for 4 years.  I’ve since asked twice for reimbursement but of course they’re ignoring me.  They don’t even respond AT ALL, it’s just a flat out ignore.  I’ve been asking for 3 years to have our dryer ducts cleaned, after having them done 4 years ago, and every time I request it they IGNORE.  

Today I spoke with one of Burnaby’s Fire Chiefs to see what sort of recourse we have.  They investigated and went and spoke with the manager...who LIED and said that the dryer ducts for the entire complex were cleaned in October!  Seriously!  She lied outright to a Fire Chief.  How low can a person be??  Why would I be wasting my time trying to make sure the complex is SAFE, if I already knew that it was!??!  That makes no sense whatsoever.  I can guarantee 100% our dryer hasn’t been done in 4 years.

The fire department doesn’t have any jurisdiction due to the property being privately owned.  So we basically sit and wait for a fire to break out and potentially wipe us all out (no, I’m not exaggerating - even the chimney guy said that if one unit caught fire here, we’d like lose more than half the complex).  This is serious!  

I’m really at my wits end here.  The amount of stress this stuff has caused me now for pretty much our entire tenancy - and it’ll be 5 years in January that we’ve been here - is insane.  It’s just one thing after the other here.  But not maintaining what helps us prevent fires is a whole different level from most of the other stuff they don’t take care of.  I will fight this, I have to, I have 3 little lives to protect.

It just saddens (and angers) me so much that they think they can get away with this.  And yet raise our rent every year the maximum allowed amount!  I honestly don’t know how any of them sleep at night.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Trying to stay positive

Ever since finding out the news about my friend being unwell, I’ve been trying harder to live more in the moment.  It’s challenging, though.  Especially when trying to process what she’s going through.  I just can’t.  I keep getting this awful feeling of helplessness and it nags at me and just makes me feel sad.  Yes it all reminds me how precious life is and not to take it for granted, but it's just so scary, and sad, there’s no way around it.  I appreciate what I have and have to remind myself that I’m healthy (as far as I know...which reminds me, I did get my blood drawn yesterday, finally.  She just finished getting 3 vials and took the needle out of my arm and then said, oh sorry, I didn’t get quite enough and I used the wrong type of vial so I need to go in my other arm got jabbed, too.  But at least it’s done and maybe I’ll find out why I’m getting these headaches...and hopefully I’ll find out nothing is wrong at all).  Part of me wonders, though, why I’m healthy and my friend is not.  There’s just no rhyme nor reason for this.  It’s random, which is all the more terrifying, and I just can’t wrap my head around why it would happen to her of all the people in the world.  Why her?????

It consumes me a lot because she’s too young to be having to worry about this, and the uncertainties involved.  It’s not fair, it’s not fair AT ALL.  I really can’t stand it.  I wish I could do something to help, I wish there was a simple answer to it. My heart hurts so badly for her and her family, so so badly.

At the same time, I know it’s important that I don’t let it consume me, because she wouldn’t want that, and it’s not healthy to do that.  I want to be looking forward to the holidays and doing fun things with the kids and all of that kind of stuff and I know I shouldn't feel guilty for being able to do that. It's just so wrong that her greatest concerns aren't stupid little things like the stuff I complain about.

Speaking of totally trivial matters in comparison...Today we had our chimney swept, which we had to pay for up front (over $150) because our stupid management company has put off doing the job FOR YEARS now and books us in to have it done but then cancels (or, what I really think is happening is that they don’t book it at all but just tell us a date to get us off their backs and then cancel at the time it’s supposed to happen).  I finally had enough of that and said if they cancelled I was going to hire someone and send them the bill, and lo and behold they cancelled, so I had someone in today and have an invoice to take over to the office before I go to pick the kids up this afternoon.  I’m sure they’ll try to get away with not paying us back but I am going to fight this. They’ve gotten away with WAY too much around here already, there’s no way I’m letting them get away with this one. I'm sick of having to waste energy on them but I'm not going to let them walk all over me, either.

At least hiring someone myself, I know they were actual professionals and not the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse people that our management would hire.  He was thorough and asked several times if I had any questions and he talked to me about the process and the state of our chimney.  I was impressed, and I’m excited that we get to enjoy our first fire of the season tonight, now that we know our chimney’s not going to burst into flames.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Life is too fragile

This past little while has been a tad challenging.  I’ve been dealing with back to back migraines, and while the medication I take for them helps at times, they return and I end up quite nauseous and in general I’ve been finding it debilitating.  I’m getting a blood test this week to see if there’s any ‘easy’ answer for what might be causing them, so we’ll see.  

I don’t even want to complain AT ALL about these headaches, though, as I feel like they’re nothing in comparison to what I could be dealing with.  I found out a few days ago that a friend of mine (who’s younger than me by several years) has a rare form of C (which I can’t even bring myself to type) and it’s complicated.  I don’t want to get into it because I just want to remain hopeful and think positive.  It’s just a very scary, awful situation, and my heart is hurting so badly for her and her family.  She has two young kids and it’s just completely unfair that this is happening.  She’s literally one of the nicest people I’ve ever met in my life, just one of those people who is totally kind, genuine, good-natured in every way.  No one deserves to go through something like this but I can’t wrap my head around how or why the world chose her.  I know it’s just totally random but it’s so completely unfair and it’s hard to process it when it’s someone so great, with so much ahead of them still.  I just can’t seem to stop dwelling on it ever since finding out, because I can’t make sense of it.

It’s definitely a reminder to be happy and enjoy life Right Now.  You just never know.  If it could happen to her, it could happen to anyone.  Which in and of itself is scary, and I think my headaches have continued to flare up because I’m constantly trying to make sense of a situation that reminds me how vulnerable we all are.  It’s hard to think about and it hurts.

I tend to sweat the small stuff more than I should, and I want to work on that.  I want to feel happy with where I am in life, and live a little more ‘in the moment’, although that’s really not my nature to be honest!  I mean, I AM happy for the most part and I do know what a great life I have, and I’m soooo grateful for my family and the wonderful kids I have, who I’m so proud of and love with all of my heart.  There’s not a lot I would change even if I could, (just a few maybe!) but it’s still hard to truly live in the moment as though it would be OK if everything ended today.  Does anyone really live that way, and can honestly say they’d be totally fine with their life ending?  I don’t think I’ll ever get to that point, or at least not until I’ve lived to be a ripe old age (even then, I don’t see myself ever being OK with the finality of it).  The major complication being my children, because the thought of leaving my kids before they’re into their older age too is heart-wrenching.  I want to be here with them for as long as I possibly can.  And I want that for my friend as well, so badly that it’s hard to even put my feelings into words.  

Monday, November 13, 2017

Emily lost a tooth

Emily lost her first tooth on Friday (Nov 10th)!  I actually think if it had happened more naturally, it probably would have been another day or two, but it came out nonetheless!  All 3 kids were playing and running around together laughing, when Andrew basically fell right into Emily and on their way down to the ground, he bumped her face pretty hard.  Luckily he didn’t land on her, but it was so hard to watch because he could have, which would have had the potential for far worse damage.  I was just scolding him a bit for not being as careful as he could have been because she really could have got hurt, when she started sitting up and sheer panic crossed her face as she realized blood was coming out of her mouth.  She started screaming, ‘My tooth, my TOOTH!’ as I quickly got her standing up and on the vinyl floor.  Thank GAWD they fell right at the edge of the vinyl floor where it meets the carpet, or there would have been a lot of blood to try to clean out of the carpet!  I quickly grabbed a few kleenex from the bathroom (also convenient that it happened right beside it!) and just barely touched it to her loose tooth and it immediately came out.  There was quite a bit of bleeding due to the fact that the tooth technically wasn’t fully ready to come out yet, but I had her rinse her mouth a bit with water and then held some kleenex there for a minute and it soon stopped.  Margaret and Andrew were jumping up and down with excitement that she’d lost her very first tooth, which helped to calm her down and then she got excited about it too, once the shock had worn off a bit!  Andrew said to her, ‘I know I hit into you and I’m sorry about that, but at the same time you should really be thanking me because if you think about it, I just helped make you some money!’  LOL!!  

Emily was worried about where to put her tooth because she didn’t want to lose it, so I found a tiny little jewellry type box for her to borrow to put it in, and she immediately had me go up to her room to help her decide the perfect place under her pillow for the Tooth Fairy to find it.  She must have put it in the right spot, because by the wee hours of the morning, there was a congratulatory note along with a Toonie waiting for her.

It’s her front bottom tooth to the left that came out, and I didn’t think it would be very noticeable, but it actually is to me, and it’s so ridiculously adorable!  I also find it makes her talk ever so slightly differently and it’s just really cute.

I love that Margaret was 100% happy for her sister and didn’t show even a hint of jealousy that she hasn’t lost any teeth yet.  She has at least one loose one, and she knows eventually it will be her turn for the Tooth Fairy to visit!

Wednesday, November 08, 2017

Halloween and now...Christmas?!

I got a bit of Christmas shopping done this morning.  Did I seriously just say that?!  Actually, I always tend to get going on it at this time in November, with the hope of being done by early December to avoid the total insanity of the Christmas-Rush.  Still, it feels so early.  Wasn’t it just Halloween?!

Speaking of which, the kids of course had a great time that day.  It was a school day, which the kids loved because it meant having a Halloween parade and seeing everyone else’s costumes.  Getting ready for trick or treating isn’t so much of a treat for me, as I always find the kids are bouncing off the walls and bordering on crashing from the excitement, but we got through that part of Halloween, and then the fun of trick or treating began.  

My parents came over to hand out candy while James and I went out with the kids.  The weekend prior I’d gone to a Halloween party with the kids where I was asked to dress up, so a couple of hours before the party I threw together a ‘Cereal’ Killer costume that turned out pretty cool, and I loved how it was cheap and easily taken off my jacket so I can either re-attach it again next year, or not!  Andrew thought it was super cool because I’d added on pictures of horror movie character cereal boxes that I’d found online, so it would be a little more unique.

Andrew went as Jason Voorhies (even though he’s way too young to watch Friday the 13th and I assure you he hasn’t!!), and the girls were Shimmer and Shine, which they’d got for wearing at their birthday party of the same theme.

Trick or treating was fun, and the weather was surprisingly really mild.  I had my jean jacket on with my cereal boxes attached to it, and was not the least bit cold and I didn’t even do the jacket up!  Usually the kids need gloves and are complaining about their hands being cold but they didn’t even need gloves this year!  It was perfect.  They all came back with way too much candy, that even after eating a ton of it since doesn’t look like even a dent has been made (it’s a bit ridiculous, actually…)  I had a virus, like a stomach type bug/flu-y/headache inducing not-fun issue that came and went for about a week, and I had it on Halloween so I wasn’t into the candy thing at all, which is crazy for me because usually I can’t help myself when it comes to candy!  I have eaten some since, but not much.  I haven’t really got my appetite back since not feeling well (which, when it comes to the candy aspect, is probably a good thing!)

I’ve been doing some volunteer work for a food bank, as well as volunteer stuff at the school, and when I’m home I’m cooking, cleaning, and working on odds and ends projects that I’ve been meaning to get to for ages but have never found the time.  There is still SO MUCH on my To Do list that I haven’t got to yet, and honestly don’t even know when I will, but I’ll get there eventually.  I really haven’t spent all that much time at all just relaxing since the kids started school, which is also something I know I need to work on.  Why wouldn’t I just take a day to laze around and not do much of anything, right?!  I feel like I can’t relax though, and I don’t exactly know why.  There’s just so much I want to do, and it feels like so little time to do it in even though it should feel like a lot.  Also, the school has so many !^*@^&$(%@! Pro-d days and ‘school closures’ that it feels like most weeks are a 4 day week - next week is only 3!  It’s ridiculous.  It’s funny because I used to love it when it was a pro-d because it meant I didn’t have to do the whole drop off and pick up thing, since I had two kids with me at home anyway what’s one more?!  But now that they’re all in school, it cuts into my time to get stuff done!  I do love having my kids home with me, but...there’s the weekend for that :P  LOL.  And it’s not like we don’t have hours and hours of togetherness from 3pm onward each day!!  They also love school so I don’t feel any guilt in sending them!  Even on a day when Margaret and Emily had a field trip that I decided not to take them to (because we’d already been to the place), they wanted to go to school that day instead of staying home with me (but I did keep them home for that.  It’s just funny to me that they’d rather be at school than at home!)

It’s hard to believe it’s getting to that time of year where we’re counting down to Christmas...I’m really not ready for it, but at the same time I know it’ll be here before we know it.  So I’m happy to be getting my shopping started, and hopefully finished within the next few weeks...

Monday, October 16, 2017

Happy Birthday Babies!

I can’t believe my baby girls are officially FIVE!

They had their Shimmer and Shine themed birthday party on Saturday, and I am happy (and relieved!) to report that it went really well!  I started with migraine symptoms the afternoon before their birthday and was so worried I’d be feeling ill on their actual day.  I took one of my headache pills (and have since had to refill the prescription) which made me feel kind of loopy and out of it, and really easily bothered.  I wanted to just lay in a quiet, dark room but I had so much to do to prepare for the party.  I wanted to get all the decorations set up the night before so the girls would get to enjoy it all when they got up in the morning.  

It basically looked like Shimmer and Shine had thrown up all over our dining room!  In the form of glitter and sparkles, OF COURSE!  It was definitely a theme, and I loved the way it all came together.  I also put up a huge S&S birthday banner in the living room.  James got up with the kids first and he told me the girls LOVED all the decor.

I luckily woke up on their birthday with my headache GONE, which was a miracle (I’m sure also in part due to the fact that I took 2 migraine Tylenol pills before I went to bed).  I was so thankful to be feeling well so I could properly dote on Margaret and Emily on their special day!

They opened up the cards from their great grandmas and some gifts that were sent over from family that don’t live nearby, and then they opened the Shimmer and Shine books, DVDs, and hats (complete with long pink and blue hair!) that we got for them.  They also opened each other’s gifts - Margaret gave Emily a Shimmer stuffie that came with one of the animal characters from the show, and Emily gave her sister a foal toy and a little kitty cat stuffie that looks like Fifi.  They played and hung around while James and Andrew went to pick up the cake, and I went on a whirlwind tidying, cleaning, and getting all the last minute stuff ready for the party.  No amount of pre-planning and pre-getting things ready accounts for the time it takes to fix everything up at the last minute.  There’s no point doing all the cleaning in advance because the kids manage to mess everything up anyway!

It was a bit crazy getting everything done but I finished in the nick of time and then suddenly the guests started to arrive and we got the party started!  First the girls showed off their bedroom, and they just ran around giggling and playing, then they played a bit of a Halloween twister game.  Had some snacks, and then played a Pin the Gem on Shimmer and Shine, basically like Pin the Tail on the Donkey which I wasn’t sure how well received it would be but it ended up being a huge hit and the kids had so much fun playing!  They actually played it for several rounds.  Then they had their pizza party in the dining room, which was chaos with lemonade being spilled as soon as they sat down and everyone needing seconds of different things but all in all it went smoothly and everything seemed to enjoy their cheese pizza (they’d had veggies and dip and chips and cheezies for their snack beforehand!)  

By the time the food was finished, it was only a few minutes before I brought out the cake - which turned out AMAZING.  I’d had James take a few pictures of Shimmer and Shine to Dairy Queen in hopes they could do something with that, and they seemed unsure as to what they could do because they don’t actually have S&S in their book of what they can do.  But someone is clearly an artist there and did an AMAZING job putting Shimmer on the cake.  It turned out way better than I could have even hoped for!  And of course being the classic DQ ice cream cake, we knew it would not disappoint.  

After cake it was a bit of a gong show with present opening, as of course the kids were all very excited and everyone was practically piled on top of me trying to see what the presents were as the girls opened them!  But it went well and they got a really great assortment of things.  They also have almost every Shimmer and Shine toy out there, but what’s cool is that they didn’t get any duplicates, AND they have enough of the toys to be able to play with all the characters without fighting over them!  Win/win!!

One of their friends wasn’t able to get here till halfway through the party so she stayed on till 1:45, but everyone else left at 1:15, which was only 15 minutes over our end time according to the invite!  I thought 2 hours was a good length of time to have 8 five year olds in the house…!  It ended up flying by, and it was so nice to see the kids all having fun and enjoying spending time together.  I love that the girls made so many friends so quickly, having only started Kindergarten a month ago (although they knew a few of the kids before that).

After the party I got things cleaned up a bit and then I went upstairs and put the girls’ new bedroom theme together.  I wasn’t able to do a huge room makeover like we did for Andrew’s last birthday because there wasn’t somewhere for them to sleep over the night before their birthday like he did last year, and with their party in the morning it just wouldn’t have made sense.  I didn’t paint the walls but I did paint the bureau from blue back to white a few days before their birthday, and I got some new decals for the walls (although the walls are a work in progress - I have a mirror to add and I want to put up a few pictures, but I need to find just the right thing first!)  I got them new duvets from IKEA with a cute whimsy fairy theme, my mom hemmed the curtains for me, and also gave me a lamp to put in there that is super cute and that she’s had for many years and has been saving to give them once they were old enough not to break it.  I also got them a little owl lamp from IKEA and a new rug, and basically just went on a whirlwind putting it all together, and then called them up for the big reveal.  They also opened up their gifts from Andrew, which were Shimmer and Nala (another character from the show)  mermaid dolls for the bathtub, so then they wanted to have a bath as they LOVE playing in the tub together!

My parents came over a bit later.  They got them super cute emoji onesie pj’s, a decorative pillow each  to match their new bedding, and fleece blankets to also go with their new room.  I’d made a brownie so we could sing Happy Birthday to the girls again with my parents, and then we just had salad and leftovers later on for dinner.  It was a great day, and the girls really seemed to enjoy it (and Andrew was very well behaved and relatively helpful at the party, which was a huge plus as well!)

I was surprisingly not as tired as I’d expected I would have been through the afternoon.  I think I was just so relieved that a) everything had gone so well and b) the party was OVER (lol!) so I no longer had to worry about it!  I’m so happy we were able to make the day so special for our babies-that-are-no-longer-babies-at-all (even though I’ll call them my babies forever!)

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Keeping myself busy

Since gaining this time throughout the day now that the girls are in school, too, I feel as though I’ve been trying to make up for lost time and I haven’t really allowed myself any time to truly relax.  Yet.  I will get to that...eventually!  It’s just that there’s so much I want to get done.

Add to that the girls’ birthday party is this Saturday, and I’m really wanting to accomplish as much as I can to prepare for that.

I spent the entirety of my time today painting: I sanded and painted the area of the wall by the bookshelf in our living room that the idiot maintenance guy ruined last Spring (yes, I finally just got around to that!), I painted the frame around the front sliding glass door, then upstairs I painted the girls’ bureau from blue back to white (it took 3 tedious coats but it’s finally done!), and I painted their window frame.  Still more painting to be done but at least it’s getting there, and I accomplished what I wanted to do in their room specifically since part of their bday gift is going to be a bedroom update.

While painting I was listening to music, and Ed Sheeran’s Supermarket Flowers came on.  I’d heard the song quite a few times given Ed Sheeran is currently tops on Andrew’s list of favourite artists (and, thank goodness, I like him, too!) but I’d never really focused enough on the song to feel anything from it.  While I was painting I really listened to the lyrics and oh my goodness I even had to put the paintbrush down because I couldn’t see the window frame for the tears!

Today marks 6 years since I had my miscarriage, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t affecting me.  I find this time of year particularly hard.  It’s confusing, too, because it’s also meant to be a happy time, with Thanksgiving and then the girls’ birthday.  And of course those things are definitely ones to celebrate!  I just find in around early October it sets in that this feels like a difficult time.  I’ll be happy to have this particular date put behind me once more.

I think about the miscarriage I had from time to time, and I know it’s always with me and has affected who I am ever since it happened.  But I don’t tend to dwell on it if I can help it, and usually I can just push it away and not think about it too much.  However, in the past week or so I’ll suddenly get flashbacks even when I don’t think I’m obsessing over it, usually when I’m trying to go to sleep.  It will jolt me awake and I feel shaken for a while afterwards.  It’s hard.  I will never get over what happened, in particular the way it happened.  I still hear my doctor’s stern words when I went back to see him because I was suffering mentally from it.  I know he was right in telling me I had to move on and not dwell on it, because I would never in my life ever have answers.  But it’s easy to say just move on and forget about it.  I can’t forget it ever.  I still sometimes can’t believe that happened to me.

On the other hand, it’s bittersweet because if it hadn’t happened just the way it did, I wouldn’t have Margaret and Emily.  And oh, how my heart hurts to imagine how I could live without them!  I wouldn’t have known what I was missing, true, and I would have the other child I thought I was meant to have and would love them dearly.  But having the girls in my life, my twins...I just can’t even.  So I guess somehow I have to be grateful for what happened, even though it’s hard on certain levels to see it that way.  I need my girls, and love the three kids I have, and couldn’t trade that for anything.  But it’s still hard having those flashbacks, and I wonder if I’ll ever stop having them or if they’re just something that I have to go through sometimes.  Like I said, it’s not that I’m suffering them all the time, but it’s more than just around this time of year.  Every so often it creeps up on me and I can’t seem to let it go.  I can’t get the image of that tiny baby out of my mind, and I keep going over it trying to imagine a scenario where I at least could have held it, and known if it was a boy or a girl.  I hate that I can’t have that.  But at the same time, I remind myself that if things had played out differently, even a slight difference would likely mean I wouldn’t have Margaret and Emily, because everything else after that moment would have been different.  So for that reason, I have to be OK with what happened.  It’s just a strange mix of emotions, and I can’t always compartmentalize it so easily.

Today was a good day to keep myself busy, and I definitely succeeded in doing that!

Friday, October 06, 2017

Thanksgiving already!

I’m hoping someone is going to show up soon to change the filter in our furnace so we can have heat if we need it this weekend.  I’m kind of bummed that management is being so slow to have our chimney cleaned, as it would have been so nice to be able to have a fire in the fireplace this weekend.  They’ve had that cleaned ONCE in the almost 5 years we’ve lived here, and it’s been at least 3 years now since it was done (maybe 4?) so I don’t feel comfortable using it till it’s been looked at.  It really sucks having such crappy landlords.

But enough about that!  

We’re heading into a busy time, with Thanksgiving this weekend (and hopefully a visit to at least one pumpkin patch!) and then the girls’ 5th birthday next Saturday.  We gave out 6 party invites the other day and so far have 3 confirmed ‘yes’ replies, so hopefully the rest let me know they’ll be attending.  Margaret and Emily decided on a ‘Shimmer and Shine’ theme (it’s a Nickelodeon show) and they got Shimmer and Shine costumes for Halloween, so they’ll wear those to their party as well.  I think it’s the cutest thing that they chose a theme that’s two girl characters so they can be twinsies but different.  

At this time of year it tends to feel like a whirlwind, because it’s Thanksgiving, the girls’ birthday, then Halloween, and after that it’s the craziness of trying to get as ready for Christmas as possible, then it’s Xmas, Andrew’s birthday, and boom we’re into a new year!

I can’t say I’m loving the change in weather, although we’ve had it good with not a ton of rain and quite a few days of sun that I wasn’t expecting would feel as warm as they did.  Today it’s just cold, and it’s supposed to start raining soon.  I miss summer, and prefer to be too hot as opposed to too cold.  (Altho that being said, my version of ‘cold’ isn’t that severe - I wore a sweater today but didn’t feel the need for a jacket!)

I think when the kids get home I’ll make them hot chocolate and we’ll watch a movie we haven’t seen in a long time, and cozy up on the couch together.  Whether or not that will actually be as relaxing as I’m envisioning is another story…!  The kids have a way of being filled with demands from 3:00 onward...

I’m still trying to get into a routine where I feel like I’m accomplishing a lot but also feel like I do have some ‘free’ time, which you’d think would be easy given the kids are all in school, but no.  I’m realizing how much I was doing before that I was managing to fit in while also catering to the kids, and the reality is that the basics of what need to be done on a daily basis take up a lot of time!  That being said, it’s nice to accomplish it with peace and quiet, or being able to play music of my choosing.  Also getting out more with my mom or meeting up with friends for coffee or breakfast.  It’s been a nice change, but I’m still struggling with certain parts of it.  I’ve been scheduling so many things and volunteering at the school so I’ve actually only had one day so far where I was able to be home the entire school day to work on things here.  I know there will be more days like that, and it’s not like it isn’t a good thing that I’m getting out and doing things, but there is such a long list of stuff I’ve told myself I’m going to accomplish and I can’t help but feel the pressure to tackle the list, but it’s just not happening quite as quickly as I’d imagined!

The kids are all enjoying school and as far as I can tell, are doing really well.  Andrew has several friends he looks forward to spending time with at recess and lunch, and he really seems to like his teacher and the kids in his class.  He hasn’t had any of the issues (that I’m aware of!) that he had last year, which is amazing.  The girls settled into Kindergarten just as I knew they would, and have been loving it.  It’s really cute hearing about their days, or hearing them sing songs they’ve learned in music class when they don’t know I’m listening!  I love that they’ve already made several friends in their class.  I knew they’d adjust well, and I like knowing they’re happy to be at school and actually look forward to going.  

Thursday, September 21, 2017

A whirling dervish

Despite not feeling entirely wonderful today and still having some issues with my head from the migraine, it has been a pretty great day for me.  

Today was the first day since all the kids have been in school that I vowed to stay home the entire day and just putter about the house.  It’s amazing to be able to go out and run errands and spend time with my mom, go shopping, etc.  It’s a new found freedom to be able to do things during the day without kids in tow, and I’ve definitely taken some advantage of that since school started.  But not staying home means not having a good chunk of time to actually accomplish much of anything here.

Today my plan was to solely work on my closet, as I’ve got a lot of it strewn about our bedroom while I work at organizing it before putting it in it’s rightful place and not doing what I’ve tended to do in the past, just tossing it wherever it will fit.  But when I got home I felt uninspired to work on my closet, so instead got to work on a few things downstairs.  I moved the couch and vacuumed under it, as well as under the cushions.  I moved our living room rug over and changed locations of a few side tables, got the couch moved closer to the wall, and did a general dust and vacuum and tidy of things.  It felt good to get the living room freshened up.  I also worked on laundry (forever doing stupid laundry...will I ever catch up?!) and even made a crock pot veggie lasagna which is smelling really good right now.  I love knowing dinner is ready, all I have to do is put some garlic toast in the oven and voila, it’s a meal!  I cleaned the downstairs bathroom, and after a quick bite to eat headed up to my closet and actually got a lot done on it.  Sooooo much paperwork to go through to either shred, recycle, seems never ending.  But I got an entire box organized with the kids’ artwork from the past few years, so I was happy about that.  I now have 2 full bags of clothes (mine and the kids’) for goodwill, two big bags of garbage, and a big bag of recycle.  Seriously, how much stuff was I hoarding into my closet - it’s ridiculous (and embarrassing to admit!)  I still have so much to go through, too, but I’m feeling a lot better about how it’s going now that I’ve made a dent in it.

It's just so liberating to be able to focus on things without having to answer to anyone, or take a million 'breaks' to get snacks and drinks, or whatever else is needed by one of several people at any given time. I haven't had this kind of solitude for so many years, and as much as there are moments in the day where I DO feel a hint of sadness because I miss the kids, I also know we'll have lots of time together when they get home, so I'm enjoying this quiet time where I can get things done.

Tomorrow is a pro-d day (ALREADY) so getting a lot accomplished will have to wait now till Monday, but that’s OK!  At least it’s getting there.  It’ll be nice to have a day with the kids tomorrow - fingers crossed they’ll let me sleep in since we don’t have to be out the door early for school!

School and migraines!

All 3 kids are officially in full time school!  The girls’ first full day was last Friday, so this is day 4 full time for them (of course for Andrew it’s old hat to be at school all day!)  They’ve settled in quite easily, which I figured they would.  Leading up to full time they kept asking me when they’d be able to stay at school through lunch, and why they didn’t get to be there all day like Andrew.  On the weekend they kept asking me when they’d be going back to school again!  They’ve been excited about starting for a long time, and I think this is great for them.  They were a bit out of sorts after school on Friday, and have been wanting to just veg till dinner time after school - Emily even fell asleep on the floor in the living room a bit before dinner yesterday!  It’s definitely an adjustment to go from preschool two hours a week to 6 hours a day 5 days a week!  But they’ve transitioned really easy, which I knew they would given how well they already knew the school, as well as their teacher.  They even have a group of girls in grade 4 who’ve known them for several years and apparently look out for them on the playground at recess and lunch every day!  They’ve got their older posse to protect them, and push them on the swings!  

Andrew so far seems to be really different at school this year - and I mean that in a good way.  He’s much happier, and has made friends with several people who he enjoys chatting with about their favourite music, movies, etc.  He’s 8.5 and has a bunch of friends who love Ed Sheeran, k-os, Bruno Mars, and even Martin Garrix, as much as he does!  He’s stoked!  I’m so happy that he seems to be flourishing socially, or at least for him.  He’s quite happy to just play on his own on the playground and can come across as a loner at times, but he’s happy to be that way and not just missing out because he’s not being included.  He doesn’t always want to be included, which James and I get because we’re both the exact same way!  But the fact that he has several people he’s excited to see and talk to and hang out with makes me happy.  He really likes his teacher a lot and comes home with positive stories about the day each day, which is in stark contrast to his doom and gloom attitude from last year.

As for me...Friday I didn’t feel like I had a day to myself at all because I was just getting chores done and I don’t entirely remember the day but let’s just say it wasn’t memorable, and felt like a bit of a waste of a first-full-day-to-’myself.’  I made up for it on Monday, though - my mom and I went out for breakfast and then went clothes shopping.  She had a coupon for 25% off at Reitman’s that she’d got for her birthday so we went there and I ended up getting a bit of a new fall/winter wardrobe and saved a bundle!  It was pretty awesome.  I also got some BOGO shoes at Payless (one shoes, one boots) so I’m pretty much set, other than needing some new rain boots.

My mission now is to FINALLY tackle my closet, which I’ve been wanting to do for years but never had enough time to do it properly.  I’ve started it, and it’s slow going, but it’ll get there, and I’ve already weeded out an entire big black garbage bag of clothes for goodwill!

On Tuesday I picked up a grocery order at Superstore in the morning, and came home and got it all sorted and put away, and then had to hurry over to the school to help with treat sales, which I’ll most likely be doing weekly throughout the school year.  It was total chaos, but went well.  By the time I got home I didn’t have much time before I had to head back again to pick the kids up.  

Today my mom and I went to Ikea to return something I’d got her for her birthday and picked out something she liked better (she had actually thought she wanted the item I got her, but then realized it wasn’t going to work once she had it, it’s not like she was just rejecting what I got her!!)  We had breakfast there, which was cheap but honestly not good, I don’t think I’d want it again.  But the shop was fun, and I got the girls’ new bedroom theme started, which they’ll be getting for their birthday coming up in a few weeks (I can’t believe my BABIES will be turning FIVE!)

I wrote the above yesterday...had to stop to go pick up the kids from school.  I ended up suddenly getting very strong symptoms of a migraine coming on, and when we got home from school I decided to take a pill my doctor prescribed me for migraines a few months ago.

I’d resisted taking one every time I’ve had a migraine since I saw him, and this was I think the 3rd I’d had since then, maybe 4th.  I’ve always had a tough time knowing for sure if I’m suffering from a migraine or a tension headache.  My doctor told me to take one of these pills as soon as possible when symptoms of a migraine start, but not to take one for a tension headache as it won’t help with those.  So I’ve always been nervous to take one in case I wasted it (as they’re $50 for 4 pills!!  We do have some coverage on that but not a lot).

The feelings I was getting yesterday were very reminiscent of what I went through on our trip to Seattle last month, and I just knew it was going to be a migraine and last for days.  I couldn’t stand the thought of it, and the more nauseous the pain was making me, I just decided to try one of the pills.

It took effect within 30-45 minutes and the pain was pretty much gone, still sort of lurking but not painful enough to make me feel like I was going to die.  It did make me feel sort of odd, though.  I don’t quite know how to explain it.  Like I was on drugs, but just sort of feeling loopy and a bit out of it.  Like something wasn’t right with me but yet I wasn’t feeling the pain anymore.  It was weird.  But great to not be in agony!  I felt off all night, though, and found I was slow in my ability to say what I wanted to in conversations.  I’d know what I wanted to say, and could even see the words, but they just weren’t coming out right.  I’m a lot better today but still not feeling 100%.  The headache came back through the night, not in full force, but enough that I didn’t sleep much and maybe got 4 hours before I needed Tylenol and then was just awake and decided to get up for the day since it was basically time to be getting the kids sorted for school anyway.  Luckily the Tylenol helped and I’ve been super productive today!

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

First week of school

Today the girls ‘only’ have school till noon - Friday will be their very first day of full-day Kindergarten.  So far I’ve had something on the go every single day.  Last week I was busy getting ready for my mom’s birthday party that we were having at my brothers’ on the weekend.  Plus, they were only going to school for an hour to an hour and 15 minutes last week, which didn’t give me much time to do anything.  Yesterday was my mom’s actual birthday (turning 65) and we were hosting a smaller party at our place in the evening, so I was busy preparing for that for the entire 3 hours that I had ‘free.’  I was so busy that there wasn’t time to stop and realize how quiet it is here without my babies home with me.

(As an aside, something funny - at my mom’s party as we were singing Happy Birthday and I was holding the cake toward her, the fan blew all her candles out before we finished the song and I had to go back and re-light the candles!  You had to be there, but it was a pretty hilarious moment!)

Today, after the 15 minute family reading time in the girls’ class, I came home and as soon as I walked in the door I found my eyes welling up with tears.  The sadness hit me that the girls are in school now, and it felt way too quiet.  It’s tough because in some ways I’ve been looking forward to this ‘peacefulness’ and being able to just ‘be’ without having a million demands laid on me.  I’m enjoying the quiet already in some ways.  But right now there’s a really big part of me that wishes I could go over to the school and pick them up and have them home with me.  It doesn’t feel right here without them!  I’m feeling sad right now.

Margaret and Emily, however, are already really enjoying school, and have been asking every day when they’ll be able to finally stay for the whole day.  Tomorrow I have to pick them up at noon for a dentist appointment, but we’ll see how they enjoy a full day on Friday!

Andrew is happy in his class (he just found out who his teacher is on Monday), and I’m excited that it’s not a split class this year.  He really likes the teacher he got, and whenever we’ve made Xmas cards and end-of-school-year cards for the teachers since he was in Kindergarten, he’s always included this teacher on his list of people we wanted to give one to.  So I know he likes her, and I like that she already knew him at least a little bit previous to this.  I’m hopeful it’s going to be a good year, and so far Andrew has had a really great attitude about school.  Last year wasn’t the best year ever, but I’m hopeful that this year is going to be far better.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

A New Chapter (unwritten)

Well, that happened.  

Summer came and went just like that.

I always feel a bit emotionally on edge at this time of year, because my favourite seasons (Spring and Summer) are so far off that it’s hard to spend time looking forward to them.  (As a side note, I realize it's still summer technically for a few weeks, but once summer break is over, fall things inevitably creep in, and it's not the same anymore). I loathe Fall and Winter.  Sure, I’ll embrace them eventually because what other choice do I have.  But if it could be a cross between Spring and Summer year round, I’d be a much happier camper.  (Although I don’t really feel the need for camping necessarily, either!  But that’s a whole other topic!)

We had a great summer, in all honesty one of our - if not THE - best since having kids.  All 3 kids were old enough this year for us to get out there and experience so much more with a lot less overwhelmedness, and I love that we created so many memories as a family this year.  We accomplished a LOT and I’ll write more in-depth about our Summer Bucket List and what we did/what we didn’t do in a future post.

It’s just that what’s at the forefront of my brain (and the top of my heart) right now is the fact that MY BABIES STARTED KINDERGARTEN and all 3 of my kids are growing up SO FAST.  

I feel like this summer went by way too fast, and I was thrown into the sudden realization that THIS IS HAPPENING, the ‘babies’ are starting school, and life as we knew it will never be the same.

Sure, that might sound a little over dramatic, but it’s true.  Life is changing, and in a big and fairly significant way.  Life changes once kids start school, it’s just the truth of the matter.  They change, and in different ways than one is used to.  They have outside influences that they didn’t have before, and they’re learning a lot from people other than their parents.  It’s all (or at least, mostly) good stuff, but it’s new and different and it changes them.  

I’ve had my little sidekicks with me ALL THE TIME for pretty much their entire lives.  A day or two here or there without them for hours at a time, but never have I spent the amount of time without them as what I will now that they’re starting school.  I felt sad when Andrew started Kindergarten, and had to adjust to him not being with us all the time, but I still had Margaret and Emily at home keeping me busy - and boy, did they ever!  It’s been a crazy whirlwind 3 years since he started Kindergarten, and now he’s in Grade 3, and off his sisters go to follow in Big Brother’s footsteps.

I haven’t had much time to myself in literally YEARS.  In almost 9 years, in fact, because since Andrew was born I have been in the throws of being a full-time stay at home mom, and it’s a miracle if I can drink a hot coffee without being interrupted enough times that the coffee is left forgotten until I give up trying to reheat it and just consider it an iced cap.  I went from having one child, which I thought back then was a handful - little did I know then what I know now, although of course it’s all relative - to having THREE overnight, and the reality of my world became total chaos.  Good chaos, I mean I’m not saying I didn’t welcome it because I love my 3 kids more than anything.  But I hadn’t signed up for twins, so even though I’m completely grateful for the surprise of twins (and I am more and more all the time, as they grow together and individually), the infancy and toddler stages in particular were kind of insane, I’m not going to lie.  Good insane, but insane!  

I barely have a free moment to think, let alone do anything much for myself or to explore my own interests, and it’s been that way for such a long time that I’m in a rut of not doing anything for me.  Of not getting the projects I’d love to see completed even STARTED at times because I know the process of accomplishing it would be too overwhelming due to my lack of TIME.  By the time I have time, I just want to fritter it and I know I should give myself SOME credit because it’s not like I’ve sat around and accomplished a big pile of nothing these past 8.5 years!  I HAVE done things and I HAVE managed to complete projects, but in reality it’s always so complicated because things always involve at least 2 and sometimes 3 kids, and it makes everything take that much longer to complete.

I’m used to that being my reality, and I’m finding it challenging letting it sink in that I’m about to have 5-5.5 hours per day to do ‘what I want.’  I say that in quotes because obviously I’m still taking care of tasks that are mundane and it’s not like I’m just going to be constantly living it up like I’m footloose and fancy free!  But the freedoms I will get from having all 3 kids in school is going to be something that seemed like a dream that would never come true when I was in the throws of all the dirty diapers, tandem feeds, and complete inability to even leave the house for a few minutes of fresh air at times in the beginning.  Not saying I was wishing my kids away because as much as they have and still do - and always will, I’m sure! - make me want to scream and rip my hair out at times, I DID and DO enjoy being their #1 and making them mine.  I wouldn’t want it any other way, and whatever I do moving forward, they will always be my priority above all else, and I count myself very, very lucky to have this opportunity to be their stay at home mom, to have been with them all their years leading up to school on a daily basis, and being there to take them to and pick them up from school.  I know not everyone is given the choice to do that, and I’m grateful that I’ve had this experience with my kids.

It’s just going to be a major transition now, and I honestly think more so for myself than for the girls.  They’re used to the school having spent so much time there already between dropping off and picking Andrew up with me, spending a LOT of time in the very Kindergarten classroom they call their own now because I volunteered a lot when Andrew was in that grade and the girls were always with me.  They even have the same teacher Andrew had. I’ve also been a part of the parent group at the school every year so they’ve tagged along to all sorts of meetings and events.  They’re excited about school, not nervous.  They’ve been waiting years for this to happen!

Me, on the other hand.  What am I supposed to do with myself now?  I’ve put so much into being 'Mom,' and obviously I’ll still be that but what am I to do when the kids are in school?  I’d love to earn some money for family trips and savings, but it has to be something I can do that still allows me to drop the kids off and pick them up, be there for sick days, pro-d days, holidays, early dismissals.  There are a lot of those things throughout the school year, and I don’t know how many jobs in reality allow for that much leeway.  I need to do something that can be done from home, but what?

I have this opportunity that so many people wish they could have, suddenly at my fingertips, where I can work on finding myself and hopefully hone a craft and do something that makes me feel successful for me and not just as ‘Mom.’  And that’s AWESOME, I’m not saying it’s not.  I already have a few short-term goals, including performing a clean sweep on our entire house and overhauling the entire thing till everything truly is in it’s right place and I can finally stop obsessing over how disorganized many areas of the house have become because I’ve only ever had time to do what HAS to be done, not what I’d really like to get done.  On the surface the house looks pretty good, but I want the whole thing in order, and I will be able to do that.  I also want to work on organizing our digital pictures and do something with all the videos of the kids from over the years, maybe learn how to use some editing software to get some creative projects done with those.  (We have literally tens of thousands of photos and hundreds of videos to sift through, this could literally be a full-time job for a while!) I want to learn how to better sew and complete some crafty projects.  I want to write more and be more well-read.  I want to learn some new recipes and get out of the rut of the meals I make, and do more baking for the kids to enjoy.  The list goes on and it’s only limited to what I choose the limit to be.  This is perhaps a bit of an exaggeration, I’m not going to have ALL THE TIME IN THE FREAKING WORLD - I have friends who are stay at home moms with their kids in school and they still seem to be pretty busy with all the things their families need from them.  But it’s going to seem like all the time in the world at least at first, given I’ve had no time at all for such a long time.

It’s overwhelming, though, is the thing.  Where do I start?  And how do I make it so I’m not feeling total pressure every single day to make every minute, every hour COUNT?  Will I feel like I have to prove myself every day as to what I was doing all day?  Will I feel like at the end of the day I’m still allowed to be tired, because of what I accomplished, or will that be disregarded because how dare I say such a thing when I had all day ‘to myself’?!  Not saying anyone in particular would be that way toward me, but at the same time I’ve had people already scoff at me when I’ve said I’m going to take a bit of time to figure things out, and take it easy.  There are those who say I deserve it after all I’ve done for everyone else, but also those who treat me with some sarcasm, like, oh must be nice to be you!  Or the questions constantly of, WELL, what are you going to DO now???  It makes me uncomfortable if I’m being honest. It's a lot of pressure, and I feel like I already put so much pressure on myself. I don't need other people's judgments thrown in my face.

I haven’t actually experienced the freedom yet as the girls only go to Kindergarten for one hour tomorrow and only work their way to a full school day on September 15th.  And I feel a good cry coming on - I’ve been stifling it for days because I’m afraid of not being able to stop once I get started.  I really am sad that my ‘babies’ are grown up enough to be in school, and I would keep them home with me longer if I didn’t think I’d be holding them back if I did.  

It’s just hard when you’re used to your role and it’s your whole life and then suddenly it’s changing and you have to basically redefine yourself.  It’s amazing and wonderful and exciting, but it’s also scary, sad, and completely overwhelming.  I know there are going to be things I’ll love about being able to do things in peace, without being constantly interrupted and without listening to kids bickering and complaining in the background.  I think it will be good for me psychologically that way.  But for some reason I still have reservations about it.  It always felt so far off, there was always more time to think about it before the time came, and now suddenly here we are, and I don’t feel quite ready but I don’t have a choice.

I know we’ll get into a new routine, and I know it will be healthy for us, probably especially me, at least in the long run.  It’s just that it feels like suddenly my whole world is changing, and I don’t know what to do with that.  It’s this huge life change and transition for me, and makes me think about how that whole period of my life is over and done with, but for everyone around me it’s not that big of a change (for them), or for the kids themselves despite being a big change, since they’re kids they don’t really think about it in the same ways, they just go with it.  I’m in this huge transitional phase in my life and have to go about it as though I’ve totally got this and know what I’m doing, and I’m scared because what if I don’t?!

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