Wednesday, April 01, 2015

On the verge...

Just for the record, I went to the gym last night, and I’ll be going again tomorrow and then either Friday or Saturday, depending if I can get there on Friday night or not.  So far so good in sticking with my 3 day a week plan!  I think I’ll just start marking on my paper calendar when I’ve gone instead of feeling inclined to post it on my blog, as unless I’m wanting to post an update on my progress there’s no need to mention it.

I’ve been feeling fairly burnt out the past couple of days.  Not just in the sense that I’m tired, as per usual, but just...overwhelmed, and not necessarily loving our current routine.

I know it’s a normal thing for a stay at home parent to go through, and of course is fraught with more challenges the more children one has...But the kids seriously treat me like a slave a times...lately, a lot of the time...and I think I’m getting to the end of my rope.  They’re just being kids, and the only thing I can do is remind them that I’m a person too and that there are kinder ways to ask for things, etc.  But it’s still hard sometimes to deal with.

I feel good about the fact that I got a gym membership and maybe you’d expect that would stave off my feelings of not being ‘me’ and just being ‘mom’ because technically I AM doing that for myself.  But it doesn’t seem to be working that way.  I just feel overwhelmed by how much I need to do but never have the time for, and frustrated that everything takes a million years longer than it needs to because everything I do has to work around the kids’ needs, which means everything I want to accomplish gets pushed to the back burner (to the point that the back burner needs a serious cleaning now, too...No, seriously).

I want to feel like I’m on top of things, but the truth is I am back to feeling as if I’m floundering.  I seem to go through cycles.  For a very brief period I will think, ‘Hey, I’ve totally got this!’  That period is sometimes briefer than brief.  As in fleeting.  But it DOES happen in moments!  Then I’ll find myself sinking and going through the motions but with a bit of a cloud over my head.  A cloud of exhaustion more than anything else.  And then I’ll get to the point where I’m about ready to snap.  My breaking point.  I’m pretty close to it currently, or at least have been for the past 2 days.  I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll be able to miraculously snap out of it!

I just have SO LITTLE TIME and almost zero help other than James, and it’s not working out for me if I’m being honest about it.  It’s really not working out for me all that well at all.  Again, there are moments where I feel like I can handle it all but part of me feels like that’s because I know I have no other choice.  In reality, I’d love to have a bit more help so that I could get a few things done during the day once in a while, whether that be errands, chores, or just HEAVEN FORBID have a little bit of time to do something I’d like to do, just for me, so I might feel like I have a little of my own identity back. I know, privileged first world problems, I know I have a great life and I hate complaining because I DO appreciate all that I have, and I AM grateful that I get to be a stay at home mom because it would kill me to not be with my kids most of the time.  I just think sometimes it should be OK for a SAHM to want just a little bit of freedom in her life.

James is at work full time, but if he so chooses he can go grab a coffee and take a little breather.  Or he can meet up with a friend for lunch and, if he doesn’t have any pressing deadlines, he can take a bit of a longer lunch break should he so choose.  Obviously commuting isn't 'fun' but he gets the chance to zone out and listen to music, podcasts, watch a show, just close his eyes, whatever he so chooses for nearly an hour each way to and from work each day. I NEVER have that kind of option.  I can’t even sit on the toilet without the company of little ones!  And most of the time I’m OK with that, because it’s what I’m used to, but at the same time, it’s only natural that at some point having zero time to oneself in a day can get a person down.

Anyway…moving onward and upward and working on being more positive!...I do feel bad venting about that stuff because I adore my kids, it's not about me not loving them, I just need some freedom to feel like I'm not just a slave all day long every day...

A few cute things from today:

Something Andrew said this morning and has said a few times recently.  He’ll be joking about something, or find something someone else says particularly funny and he’ll say, ‘Oooh, that was so funny, I’ve got tears!’  It’s hilarious.  And with his one giant tooth gap from where he lost his top tooth last week, he has the cutest little lisp when he talks.  I thought I’d miss his tooth since he has such adorable and perfect teeth, but the gap adds a whole new level of cuteness that I love!

This afternoon I noticed Margaret over by Fifi.  She was trying to reach out to pet her, but Fifi was backing away from her.  Margaret put out her hand gently and said, ‘It’s OK, Fifi, it’s just me.  It’s just me.’  I thought that was so cute!

We were watching a little America’s Funniest Videos today (the girls started mimicking me saying, ‘I wonder what’ll happen next?!’ which was funny!) and the host said, ‘It was simultaneous!’ about one of the video clips.  Emily threw her head back and said perfectly, ‘It was sim-ul-taaan-eous!’ like it was the most hilarious thing ever.  Also super funny to me!

Then Emily was playing with her Rapunzel doll, which she and Margaret each have one of.  They also have little doll beds from Ikea that they love to tuck their dollies into.  Emily brought Rapunzel over to me and asked me to wrap her in a blanket because Rapunzel was ‘feeling a bit sad.’  I wrapped her up and Emily immediately cradled her and was rubbing her back, and bouncing her ever so slightly just as I would do when I held her as a baby.  She was patting at her back and looking at her as if she was her baby and she was consoling her.  Totally melted my heart!

Margaret moved her doll bed and nearly crushed her Rapunzel doll but when I mentioned the doll was under the bed she looked and picked her up while saying, ‘Sorry Punzel, sorry!’ and gave her a hug and a kiss.  I love how loving my girls are!



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