Sunday, March 22, 2015

Following through on my word...

I made a point earlier in the week of talking to James about my plan to check out a gym this Saturday.  I’d talked to him about it before so I knew he would be supportive, but I also felt that by telling him when I was planning to go, I’d feel more compelled to follow through with it.  Why starting up at a gym seems so difficult is probably ridiculous but I can’t explain it.  

As the week went on I sort of put it to the back of my mind, even though I knew it was something I’d have to face.  I had said in my last blog post that I’d call to book an appointment (if necessary) to confirm my desire to get a membership, and that Saturday was for sure the day, but in reality I did not make that call.  And when Saturday (today) rolled around I found myself trying to come up with any and every excuse in my mind for why it was completely the wrong time to start going to a gym.

I was dressed in clothing appropriate for the gym, just in case I changed my mind, but decided instead I would go to Michael’s craft store for some supplies I’ve been wanting to pick up for a few projects I want to get started on.  (Walking around a big box store is exercise in itself, right?!)  I got into the van and looked up on google maps how long it would take to drive to the store and it was going to be just about half an hour each way to the nearest one.  I became bitter and was feeling tired and honestly, I was in such a bad place in that moment that I actually contemplated scrapping going out at all, crawling into bed and just having a good cry and going to sleep!  LOL.  Yes, now I am laughing about it, because that’s beyond ridiculous.  I did have a few things that were stressing me out, it’s true, (beyond my apparent anxiety/apprehension about going to the gym) but still.  I was so TIRED and I wanted to do NOTHING because EVERYTHING seemed IMPOSSIBLE.

Then I found myself putting my phone down, key in the ignition, and I drove myself to that gym.  I didn’t put any expectations on myself because I decided that I was going to check it out and see if it felt like the right place, and if it didn’t I could try somewhere else or re-evaluate my plans.  No big deal.  But it turned out the facility was (is) just what I was (am) looking for...and I not only left with a membership, but I also did a full circuit workout before I left!  So while it’s maybe a small step for some, for me it was a pretty big one, and I’m proud of myself for actually doing it when I said I would (this time around!)

It’s definitely going to be a challenge actually getting there as many times per week or per month as what I’d like to (no child minding service so I can only go when James or someone else can be with the kids...which leaves after dinner or weekends, for the most part).  If I want results I’m going to have to go regularly, and that’s all there is to it.  We’re also paying for it now, so that’s an incentive in and of itself.  But honestly, even though I only did one circuit and I actually felt like I could have done a lot more (which pleasantly surprised me, because I KNOW I’m not in good shape but I think I’m not as bad off as I think I am in my mind...As James reminded me when I was telling him about it, I’m with small kids all the time so I’m always moving around and lifting them etc!), it felt GREAT to do a workout, even if it was a relatively short/beginner one.  I was contemplating crying myself to sleep as an option for spending my ‘me time’ for crying out loud (almost literally, ha!) and yet by the time I left the gym, I felt happy, positive, and like my mind had been cleared.  I plan to go back tomorrow, and at least one weeknight (preferably two) through the week, and back again on the weekend, both days if time allows.  

I can’t believe I actually HAVE a gym membership now.  I actually AM doing this!  It definitely feels like the right decision.  It’s going to be a lot of work, but it’s something I need to do, and while I know I’m still going to have to fight with myself at times and not allow myself to make excuses, I also feel confident already that I’m going to make this work.  There’s no turning back now!

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