Another birthday's come and gone

I didn’t write about my birthday...I still sort of feel like not writing about it.  I didn’t have a problem with turning 35, it’s more that it didn’t really feel like it was my birthday for most of the day.  I don’t need my entire birthday to be all-about-me as if I’m still a little kid where I’m super excited about my ‘big day.’  I don’t know exactly what it is that I feel I need, but I have to admit that my last 3 birthdays in particular have been less than desirable.  In fact, I sort of have wished on each of those birthdays that it wasn’t my birthday at all so I wouldn’t have to feel bad about my day just being average.  Is that bad of me to say?!

James worked from home, but he did have to work, so ultimately I was on my own with the kids as per usual.  He did take Andrew to school for me, although that was in part because I was sick.  Oh yes, how could I forget, I also felt really under the weather on my birthday.  I was over the worst of the flu, but had come down with a cold.  I did end up going out for a few hours in the early afternoon, which I probably shouldn’t have, but I NEEDED to get out of the house.  I’d basically been cooped up for just under a week due to all our illnesses, and I was going stir crazy.  I was originally supposed to drive kids to skating for Andrew’s class but the teacher found someone else since my cold was pretty bad, and that meant I technically had those few hours where James was going to be watching the girls anyways so I could drive the kids.  So instead I went to the mall and used up most of the Sears gift card I got for Christmas from Margaret and Emily.  It was SO nice to be able to get a new outfit and it was already paid for with a bit left over for next time!  I got a pretty new top and a new pair of black leggings (because, yes, I often wear leggings, and the ones I usually wear got ripped when Fiona decided to jump on me and scratched through them…!)

I also had a short visit with my mom at her place.  It hadn’t been planned that I would see my parents at all but I didn’t like not at least seeing my mom for a little while on my birthday.  Originally the plan was that my parents were going to spend time with the kids while James and I went out for dinner, but given that we ALL had some variation of the cold, I didn’t want to risk my parents getting it.  So my birthday celebrating was basically cancelled.  I guess I felt a little sad that there wasn’t a cake or candle to blow out...Again, it’s not so much that I NEED those things, but I guess the fact that none of it happened felt symbolic to me.  I know it was basically because of illness that it got called off, but I also feel like it just puts it in my face how I feel sort of lost in the shadows so to speak.  I love my kids and obviously would much rather have them than a birthday cake, but now that I am a mother of 3 I feel like celebrating ‘me’ doesn’t even make sense anymore.  I don’t think I’m explaining it right, but I admittedly felt a bit sad on my birthday, and maybe was having a bit of a pity party, and clearly no one else was showing up to my party!!

James and the kids DID spoil me with some gifts and that did make me feel special, because there was clearly thought put into it.  First of all, James gave me a really sweet card, Andrew made me a cute one with a little poem he wrote for it, and the girls even scribbled on paper and then James made cards out of them for me.  I also got a new purse (something I’ve been wanting for a while and loved having James pick out for me!) and inside each compartment there was another little gift, such as an eyeliner (shocked James was able to pick one out that I would like!!), bubble bath, hand sanitizer (to keep in the purse), some Werther’s candies.  So it’s not like my birthday wasn’t birthday-ish at all...And James and the kids did put balloons around downstairs before I got up in the morning.  I don’t know what I wanted, I guess maybe a bit more free time and not having to cater to everyone all day...I know one day it will be like that again, and by then I’ll probably miss having everyone to cater to, but I guess the grass is always greener on the other side!

Tonight James and I are sort of making up for our lack of date on my birthday, and my parents are going to look after the kids, so I’m excited about that.  I think part of the issue is feeling like James and I never have time together and we almost never go out.  And I almost NEVER go out even without him.  The weather hasn’t been conducive to taking the girls out anywhere and with there being 2 of them it’s impossible to take them to the mall to wander around or anything like that.  I guess it’s just challenging sometimes, the situation we’re in.  I have a great time with the kids and they are DELIGHTFUL, I just wish we could get out more.  BUT I feel like spring is just around the corner, and then before we know it it’ll be summer again, and we’ll be able to be outside every day so I’m trying to just look forward to that.


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