Woes of the day
First hint of dejection and it’s only January 5th…(my bro’s 38th bday, just a little tidbit of info!)
James went back to work today, after being off since Christmas Eve. I felt exhausted (as did he) the entire ‘holiday’, as ultimately Margaret sucks at sleeping and neither of us ever gets a good, solid sleep. Ever. So I never felt RESTED, but at least I was getting on average an extra hour of sleep than what I do usually. James let me sleep a little longer in the mornings when he was here, but I’m up at 7 now that he’s back to the grind. I was a zombie before I even dragged myself out of bed this morning, and the feeling never fully went away. I managed to get about 20 minutes of sleep in while the girls napped, and may have slept longer if someone hadn’t knocked on the door (our Entertainment Book arrived, which I could have done without having my nap destroyed for...there’s no coupon for sleep in there!) But the fact is, I felt tired all day regardless, and I bet if I’d managed another 20 minutes of rest I still would have felt wasted.
Andrew wasn’t being very nice to his sisters in the morning, which put me in a bad mood. He can be fairly aggressive with all of us at times. He’s usually very good and has a very sweet and genuinely caring and compassionate demeanor, but when his temper gets the better of him, watch out. He doesn’t lash out at anyone but his family, but that’s still not OK behaviour! And I’m kind of at the end of my rope with it, particularly on days when I’m especially tired.
So the morning started off a tad rocky, and then the rest of the day was just a usual day, but I had no get up and go to accomplish anything. I started going through the kids toys (with Margaret and Emily ‘helping’) but I didn’t get very far with it before I felt overwhelmed. I really need some bins or storage solution of some kind in order to complete the project, and right now I don’t have those things so I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to do with all the toys I want to collect up and store somewhere to put on rotation later.
My mom needed some help with something this afternoon so at the last minute I decided to take the kids to her place after school. Which meant I had to change our dinner plans, because the slow cooker Enchiladas I wanted to make were a bit more time-sensitive (LOL). I decided to do slow cooker Lasagna instead, and while it could have used a bit more time letting the liquid soak into the noodles, it was REALLY good. I love that I was able to prep it, set it to cook, and LEAVE THE HOUSE without worrying it would overcook or I’d burn the house down! I would never leave the house with the oven on. I was pretty frazzled by the time we got home just before 6 (traffic was INSANE, it was pouring rain, the girls were fighting and crying in their car seats...it was the witching hour, and had been since about 4pm…) but it was nice to walk into the house and smell the lasagna and know it was ready for supper! It took no time at all to whip up some homemade (vegetarian of course) Caesar salad dressing for a salad, and get the table set and lasagna on the plates. I know slow cookers have been around since the 70s (my mom was given one for Xmas 1979, shortly before I was born, when they were all the rage!) but it’s all so new to me.
Where am I go with all of this? I guess my point is that the tiredness and the frazzledness and the chaos of the day (getting used to the school routine again reminded me how much I hate strapping the kids into their car seats so many times a day, with their same grumbling about having to get strapped in and fussing and resisting when they KNOW they have no choice) left me wanting to run away from it all (figuratively, not literally). I just wanted to SCREAM by mid afternoon, and I hate it when I end up raising my voice a hundred million times in a day, but it happens some days. I feel overwhelmed and like I just can’t take one more second of feeling like I’m under constant attack by these 3 little beings that I do everything and then some for, with zero return. (Which obviously isn’t actually true, because the return is the love I get from them, and nothing could replace that. Lately Emily just randomly comes up to me and gives me a hug or a little nuzzle and says, ‘Mommy, I love you!’) I love my kids, they mean the world to me, but they also overwhelm me and sometimes give the impression that I’m completely worthless to them (even though I know I’m not, in fact I’m their #1 when it comes down to it, I DO know that, there are just moments…)
All this to say, I remember now, and this is a prime example of it, why I didn’t reach my goals last year fitness wise. I AM TIRED. And by the time James is home and we’ve eaten and I’ve cleaned up from dinner and usually bathed the kids, it’s 7pm or later AND I AM DONE. I am basically on my own with the kids from 7:15am-6:20pm, (and then usually help with tucking Andrew in or we have some mommy/son time before bed doing a project) and it can feel like a VERY long stretch of time with no breaks other than feeling like I’m breaking my back to get everything done for everyone and the house! (Which isn’t to say I don’t enjoy spending time with my littles BECAUSE I DO, of course, I just need more breaks and more sleep is the issue).
I guess I feel dejected because I wonder how it is that I’m supposed to accomplish something so important for myself (getting fit/feeling healthier/taking care of ME) when by the time I get the chance I just want to give up and be done with the day. I KNOW I have to work on this, and I KNOW I can’t let this exhaustion get the better of me, because ultimately part of the reason I’m so tired is that I’m not taking as good of care of myself as I should. But it’s a very vicious circle. A very vicious circle, indeed!