Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Elizabeth and the terrible, horrible, no good very bad (even worse than that) day

That’s what it was, because Margaret is (or at least SHOULD BE) the current world’s record holder for Worst At Sleeping.  

She literally had me going upstairs TWENTY TIMES to get her back to bed from about 10:30pm-1:30am.  I felt like dying by the time I went to bed and was SO SURE she would sleep better after that because how can one person need to get up any more times than that through the night.  She didn’t even NEED anything.  She just ‘wanted hugs’ or ‘kisses’ or ‘tucked in.’  MADNESS.

But as soon as I went to bed she went from standing at the top of the stairs waiting for me to come up, to crying/screaming/beating on our bedroom door and calling for us.  I told James how things had been since he went to bed, and he took over.

The sucky thing is that with how close all our rooms are, it’s impossible for me to fall asleep when Margaret is continually screaming right across the hall. It’s one thing if I’ve already been asleep for hours and it wakes me up, it might take a bit of time but I can fall back asleep much easier than when I’ve just gone to bed.  I have a heck of a time falling asleep at the best of times.  So I was awake till I’m guessing 2-2:30am.  Then there were pretty much as many ‘wake ups’ (if you can call it a wake up if you’ve never really fallen back asleep after the first one) for James as there had been for me, so ultimately we were awake for nearly the entire night.  (‘Luckily’ James got about 3 hours of sleep before I went to bed, that right there is more than I got the entire night through!)  Margaret also went into Andrew’s room and woke him up in the night, which is especially not good to have happen on a school night.  He came flailing into our room around 5am sobbing from an apparent nightmare...once Margaret had FINALLY fallen asleep!  I had him stay in our bed (which he NEVER does anymore, I can’t even remember the last time he slept with us) because I didn’t want to deal with getting up, since it was still so early, but late enough that I could totally see Margaret deciding it was time to get up for the day.

I slept terribly (as in, almost not at all) once Andrew was in the bed with us.  For one thing, it was way too boiling hot with an extra person in the bed.  And for another, I was practically falling right off the side and basically couldn’t move AT ALL.  It wasn’t comfortable.

When I got up at 7 I looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, I was all hunkered down, it took too much energy to even stay standing.  But I had no choice but to go about our usual routine of getting everyone ready and dropping Andrew off at school.  We didn’t stay for reading time because I didn’t have the energy for it.

The day was a complete and utter disaster, and needless to say a total write off.  Which pisses me off because I have had such high hopes of all I’m going to accomplish in a day, and I’ve been trying so hard to have more patience with the kids and feel like I’m being the best mom I can be.  I need energy for that, I can’t be running on fumes and not blow a gasket when I’m constantly being ordered around and treated like a very poorly treated slave.  It just doesn’t work.

I was SO hopefully that at nap time Margaret would be extra tired from being up essentially all night (I can’t believe Emily was able to sleep through all her racket, that girl is seriously an ANGEL) (Although she did scream and cry for over half an hour straight at witching hour and I ‘angel’ was not the word that came to mind at that time).  But no.  Instead of sleeping better or should I say sleeping AT ALL, Margaret instead did the EXACT SAME THING TO ME AS SHE DID LAST NIGHT.  She sobbed, freaked out, screamed, cried out, and beat at her bedroom door (which gets closed at nap time), yet would stop if I was in the room and tucked her back in.  If she thought I was going to stay with her, she was fine.  It just makes no sense.  I asked her all sorts of questions to try to figure out what was wrong, and yes her communication isn’t what it will be in another year or more, but it’s pretty good, so I feel if there was something specific wrong she’d be able to tell me.  I honestly don’t think there is anything, though - she just likes the attention and wants the extra affection.  And before you go and judge me for making it seem like I don’t want to cuddle my daughter when she needs it and I should realize how fleeting this time is and just do it, the reality is that I cuddle her A LOT.  I give her so many hugs and kisses and tell her how much I love her and how special she is and beautiful and the whole nine yards.  She should be able to take her usual nap without having to be held the entire time, and that’s the reality of the situation!  I was so BEAT by that time that I wanted to either have a nap or have someone push me out the window and put an end to my misery, and I’m really not entirely joking.  Total sleep deprivation is HARD on one’s psyche, I emotionally just couldn’t take it anymore.

I tried everything from giving her a few extra hugs, to being firm and saying goodnight and that it was nap time and she had to stay in her bed and walking out and closing the door.  Nothing I did worked, and after leaving her for 20 minutes crying and freaking out, I couldn’t take it anymore, and also didn’t think it was fair to Emily who really needs her sleep, so I had to get up and let Margaret out of her room and take her downstairs.  I had to forgo nap time altogether, for her, and even worse, for me.  I was DESPERATE for sleep, it was getting to the point of being beyond desperation, if that’s even possible.  It was BAD, no matter how you look at it.  But I had no choice but to continue on with the day, the demands, pick Andrew up, etc.  I had to pick my mom up and drop her off for a dentist appointment, which wasn’t a big deal because she lives close to Andrew’s school and her dentist is also very close by.  But in the process of dropping her off and then stopping to get gas because we had a fair bit of time to kill still before it would be time to pick Andrew up, Margaret fell asleep.  And I’d say I wanted to strangle her for it, except obviously I would never do such a thing!  I was VERY angry about it though.  I forced her to wake up and gave her a snack to keep her occupied while we drove to the school, and then even though we were way too early still, and I was way too tired to be running around on the grass or by the playground with them, I had to run them around in order to keep Margaret awake.

By the time I was preparing dinner (oh yeah, my weekly meal plan?  Hasn’t worked out at all.  Meals have all been good and have gone well, but aside from the lasagna that I made on Monday instead of Tuesday, I’ve not used the plan AT ALL...it just doesn’t work for me I think, but I might give it another try) Margaret was having a fit because she was so over tired, and then Emily was whinging about gawd knows what, and Andrew was getting annoyed with both of them, and I had enough and said, ‘That’s IT, Mommy is unavailable for the next 5 minutes!’ and I escaped to the kitchen, only of course hearing the words ‘Mommy is unavailable’ made the kids believe they needed me then more than ever before in their lives!  AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!  Anyone ever watch She Devil, starring Rosanne Barr?  I sort of felt like her when she went outside and just screamed at the top of her lungs…..

James said he’d come home early because he knew how fragile I was feeling, but getting here 15 minutes before he normally does didn’t feel early to me.  In fact, that just makes no sense to me no matter how I look at it.  And there’s more, but I won’t even go there.

Instead, I’m going to nap now, as who knows what the night will bring.  If Margaret keeps us up all night again tonight, gawd help us all.  I don’t know how much longer I can handle being on my own all day taking care of the kids when I’m in such desperate need of some care myself!

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