Sunday, October 12, 2014

Thoughts on Thanksgiving...

I’m not really that into Thanksgiving.  Which is not to say I’m not thankful, because I have SO MUCH to be thankful for, and I try not to take all that I have for granted and be mindful of how good my life is, because it IS good.  I have my own set of ‘first world problems’, rest-assured, but I definitely know I am very lucky to have the life that I do, and particularly the family that I do.  I have love and support in my life, a roof over my head, a house I can be warm and cozy in, I never have to go hungry.  Did I mention my perfectly special and wonderful and did I say PERFECT not-so-little family that I am thankful for EVERY SINGLE DAY?!  I love James and our 3 amazing kids (and, yes, even Fifi, despite that she sometimes drives me crazy…) SO much, and couldn’t imagine my life without them.  I am so, so lucky, and ever thankful for what I have.

However...there are a few reasons why Thanksgiving as a holiday isn’t really tops on my list.  First of all, there’s the extra-mass slaughter of turkeys (and, arguably, pigs) at Thanksgiving time, which I can’t in all good conscience be thankful for, as a vegetarian because of my love for animals!  Sure, we enjoy our Tofurky at times (although generally just at Christmas) but yeah...Not huge on the ‘sacrificial turkey day’, personally.  The biggest reason for Thanksgiving being a bit of a downer for me, though, is because of the fact that the worst day of my entire life EVER happened at Thanksgiving time.  Three years ago yesterday I had my miscarriage, but it was the day before that we celebrated Thanksgiving at my bro and sil’s and that’s when things really started to go downhill for me.  I actually ended up at the ER that night, so the miscarriage was starting at that point.  I remember the day like it was yesterday, I remember sitting on my bro and sil’s couch and Andrew came over and I sat him on my lap and I remember feeling something flutter in my belly, only it felt almost a little more like a ‘pop’ than a flutter.  Not something anyone could have heard, but I remember instantly feeling like something just wasn’t quite right.  It wasn’t because of Andrew being on my lap, it could have happened at any time, it was GOING to happen and WAS happening...He sat on my lap all throughout my twin pregnancy (well, at least until I was way too huge to even HAVE a lap anymore...which probably happened around 20 weeks with twins LOL) but yeah...I really associate ‘Thanksgiving day’ with the day I ended up in the ER and was thrown into facing the fact that I was most likely losing my baby...and then the next day going through the worst experience ever (for me).  I honestly felt as though I had nothing to be thankful for that Thanksgiving, given all I went through.

But I WILL say, that even though the girls’ birthday party was on the same day as the anniversary of that horribly day, I had a really great day yesterday and didn’t even ‘remember’ what day it was until halfway through the day, and even though for a split second there was that familiar pang of remembering, it went away as quickly as it came.  I can recognize that it was a bad time, but I can also recognize all that I have, and I honestly couldn’t imagine not having been celebrating the birthday of my two beautiful little girls, Margaret and Emily.  They bring me a double amount of love and smiles and pure JOY, and I am SO lucky to have been able to have not just one but two babies at once!

I still don’t know exactly how I feel about Thanksgiving, but I also realized recently that with Andrew being in school now, and learning more about holidays, it’s important not to just discount them completely just because they may have affected me badly in the past, or because there might be certain aspects to them that I don’t like.  I can talk to him about some of my issues (he knows my stance on turkeys, for example!) but it doesn’t mean we can’t still be thankful and at least do SOMETHING to celebrate and show our thanks for what we have.  

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