Sunday, October 05, 2014

The significance of certain dates

I can’t believe Margaret and Emily will be turning TWO in just over a week.  How did the last year fly by like that?!  It feels like just yesterday they wore their adorable little ‘birthday princess’ dresses to their cupcake themed party!  This year’s theme is going to be Frozen, and I’m just putting the last finishing touches on their party plans.

Their birthday will always be around Thanksgiving.  Their first birthday was on Thanksgiving Day so we were able to have their birthday party on their actual birthday.  Andrew has always had his party on his actual day because he’s a New Year’s Eve baby (although most likely we’ll do his bday party on a different day moving forward as it might be complicated to invite his school friends to a new year’s eve event, since people usually have plans that day).  We’ve never had to face the question of when to host their birthday parties because it just always worked out to be on the actual day.

This year the girls will be turning two on a Tuesday, which isn’t going to work for pretty much anyone.  We could have held their party the weekend AFTER their actual day, but we agreed it made sense to do it the weekend BEFORE.  Their birthday is the day after Thanksgiving, which is a Monday...and a lot of people do their Thanksgiving dinner on the Sunday instead...so it just made sense to have the party on the Saturday.

Saturday, October 11th.

Likely anyone reading this blog knows the significance of October 11th for me, but if not the archives for 2011 will give an all-too-clear image, in case you’re curious.

October 11th, 2011 was the worst day of my entire life.  I honestly think I’ve had a touch of PTSD from it.  I still haven’t got over it, and even found myself blubbering and crying over it to James just last week.  I think because I’d had the invites for the party made up, which reminded me yet again of the date, and the terrible significance, and I just couldn’t help but delve into it again and wonder why it happened and how I’ll ever deal with the FACT that I will never, ever have answers.  I can’t ever get over it because of that.

But ANYWAY.  I remember that day every day, so I decided that there is no reason to just mope, I can remember what happened without it affecting the whole day.  And instead I can focus on celebrating the amazing amount of HAPPINESS that I get from the twins I was so lucky enough to have just one year and 3 days after that horrible thing I had to go through.  I may never understand WHY it happened the way it did, but I couldn’t possibly trade in my two girls for anything, so ultimately all I can be is grateful for what I have, and ultimately I wouldn’t have what I do now if what happened hadn’t, so, there we go.

So it is that the girls’ 2nd birthday party happens to be on the same day as the THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of my loss.  Which is crazy, too - I can’t believe the girls are turning two, but how can it be 3 years already since that happened?!  Time has definitely lessened the burden of the pain of it, I do see how time helps.  It can’t ever fully heal it, but it isn’t debilitating to me anymore the way it once was.  It just ‘is.’  It’s not good, that’s for sure, but who could expect it to be.

There will always be a sadness in me from what happened, but I am so lucky to also be filled with the huge amount of joy my 3 children bring me every day, and I always hug and love them extra amounts, in honour of the baby I lost, because I feel like I truly know just how precious all of my babies are.  And in going with the Frozen theme of Margaret and Emily’s upcoming party, I know that I have to just ‘Let it Go’, and remind myself of all that I have!  I’m excited about their party and getting to celebrate our love for them with our family.  And give them their Frozen dolls that they are going to LOVE, and Frozen shirts with their names and age on them...It’s going to be a HUGE day for them, they have no idea =)

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