Sunday, December 22, 2013

My 2014 New Year Resolution



Some years I’ve listed out a few things I hope to get around to in the new year for resolutions but have I ever followed through with any?  I’m too afraid to go back and look at what I’ve said in the past!  If I’ve stuck to any, it’s continuing my blog/journaling.  While that hasn’t been going as well this past while, I’ve had a pretty good excuse being busy with so many little ones!  However, I still keep up with it enough that I’m satisfied with what I’m recording.  I definitely have been writing with regularity these past several years.  But in terms of more ambitious goals, I can’t say I’ve been the greatest resolutions follow-through-er.  If I was, I’d be able to list off my accomplishments without even thinking about it, wouldn’t I?!

BUT 2014 is going to be different.  I’m saying it here first, but I’ll be saying it again and again, and I won’t just be saying it but I’ll be DOING IT.  It’s not going to be easy, but 2014 is THE YEAR.  The year of what, you might wonder?  It’s going to be the year that I actually follow through on bettering myself as much as possible.  The biggest way will be in terms of diet and exercise.  And I KNOW what you’re thinking, you’re probably rolling your eyes and thinking how that’s the biggest and oldest clichéd resolution EV-AR!  And maybe it is, but it’s mine for 2014, and I’M GOING TO ACCOMPLISH IT!

I’m tired of not feeling happy with my post twins body.  I’ve had body image issues for years (what woman hasn’t, in some way or another, really) but seriously, enough is enough.  They say it takes two years after having 2 babies at once to completely ‘heal’ and get back to as close as you can to your pre-having 2 babies at once body.  Well, my 2 babies will have been born 14.5 months ago as of January 1st.  And it’s time I work on getting things back to ‘how they were’ before the two year mark has come and gone.

Scratch that.  My body will never be how it once was, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  I am OK with my body being different than it was before I had kids.  (It was a pretty amazing feat to birth my babies, and I have to love my body for accomplishing that!)  My body snapped back a lot quicker after Andrew was born, and I might have been packing an extra 5lbs-ish after all was said and done but I was pretty OK with only weighing 5lbs extra after having a baby and not doing any extra exercising to lose it.  However, the twin pregnancy somehow managed to wreak havoc on my metabolism (and I’m sure getting older doesn’t help…I’m certainly not an old lady or anything, but I’ll be 34 in February – I’m not getting any younger!) and I weigh more than 5lbs more than I did pre-twins.  So 5+5+ is more than what I want to be carrying around as extra weight.  In fact, I was looking at pictures recently of when I was in my early twenties, and I know what I weighed around that time…I would hazard to say I weigh in the neighbourhood of 40-50lbs more now than I did when I was 20.  I know it’s fairly natural to put on weight as one ages, and it’s also normal to pack on a few extra pounds that are difficult to lose after pregnancy.  (Some body types have a more difficult time than others, I know some people lose their pregnancy weight and then some and look amazing 2 seconds after giving birth, but I do not have one of those bodies!)  I am really grossed out, truthfully, when I think that I weigh THAT MUCH MORE than I did 14 years ago.  That’s a lot of extra weight, (for example, Andrew doesn’t even quite weigh 40lbs, so yeah, I’m packing a whole extra person in fat – awesome…) and while sleep deprivation and 3 little rugrats are certainly good reasons for having low energy, I think carrying extra pounds isn’t helping with that, either.

Now let me say, I don’t consider myself extremely obese, and I haven’t had any doctors saying they’re concerned about my weight or anything.  I just don’t like the way I look, and that’s a fact.  I don’t feel good in my clothes, in fact I HATE MY CLOTHES.  I don’t even really like my pajamas.  I am in a rut and it’s not a good one, and it saddens me because there was a time not that many years ago where I had really cute clothes and lots of great outfits.  Even my pajamas were cool!  I might go so far as to say I had style.  Now I feel I am hidden behind the title of Mommy and what I wear doesn’t matter because no one really sees me anyway.  It’s not really where I want to be.  I don’t want to be in the limelight or anything - I want to keep the Mommy status because it definitely is the biggest part of who I am right now, but I also need to be me, not just for me but for my kids.  I want them to have an image of me that might not be the image they’ll have if I don’t do something to change myself for the better.  And I don’t just mean that I don’t want them to think of me as fat, because I’m not really feeling like that’s the case at all, it’s more that I don’t want them to see me as someone who doesn’t do as much with them as she could because I’m tired all the time.  I feel tired ALL THE FREAKING TIME and yes, it is mostly because I’m just so tired from all I have to do in a day and taking care of them and not sleeping a whole lot at night.  But I think if I was getting a ton more exercise and forcing myself to move around a LOT to shed some pounds, and not eating unhealthy junky food, particularly at night time, I’d be able to be the kind of mom who gets up and goes and is doing tons of stuff with her kids because she has the energy for it.  (Ok, maybe not tons, but a lot…LOL…One step at a time!!)  (As a side note, I will say, I have an exercise bike and I do notice on the days where I sneak upstairs while the kids are content watching a show and/or playing and I get 15 minutes of cycling in, I actually notice my energy levels go up afterwards…so…)

I’m not saying this will be some magical cure to my tiredness.  But it will make me feel better about myself, and ultimately that’s what I want.  I want to feel good in my clothes, I don’t want to shy away from even leaving the house because leaving the house means having to put an outfit together and I don’t feel good in anything I own so it’s easier to stay home.  I want to see myself in the mirror and not think negative thoughts.  I don’t think it will take a ton to get to that point – I definitely don’t like the areas where I see the extra weight, but I do think my body sprang back in some ways more than I’d have expected it would after having stretched beyond what I ever thought it could have!  So I think I do have really great potential for having a nice body shape if I put the effort in to make it happen.  It’s just a matter of changing habits, which sounds simple enough, but I know it’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve done, other than the pregnancies and births I’ve been through!

I can’t shy away from this not being easy, though, because the thing is, the longer I let this go, the harder it will be to make the changes.  And the less likely I will be to do it.  And the worse I will feel about myself.  James thinks this is all ridiculous and that I have a great body and he loves me so completely and it appears he doesn’t even see what I see as faults in myself.  He loves me as unconditionally as a partner possibly could, and I’m totally grateful for that.  But the truth is, if I’m not happy with the way I look, it’s not enough for him to be OK with me the way I am.  I HAVE TO DO THIS.  And I’m going to, you mark my words!  Writing about it makes me accountable, and I don’t want to embarrass myself by putting myself out there with this (and trust me, I’m feeling very exposed just discussing this) and then not following through.

I don’t totally have a game plan yet, but I still have time to plan.  I was originally planning to have already started this process but then I kept putting it off and then the holidays started and I could foresee me labelling myself an epic failure because there’s NO WAY I could get through the holidays without indulging in some sweets and c’mon, I’m not going to deprive myself of the occasional (rum and) eggnog!!  So the new calendar year is the start of a new beginning in diet and fitness, and I am vowing that I will stick to it.  And be realistic at the same time – since I have never in my life been one to diet, I don’t plan to nitpick every single calorie that hits my mouth, I refuse to live like a rabbit and completely deprive myself of any of the foods I enjoy because that automatically makes me want to indulge in the things I’m not supposed to have if I’m doing it that way!  But I do know when I’ve eaten healthy vs not, and I will eat as healthy as I can while still allowing myself to enjoy things that aren’t so healthy at times.  Just majorly paying attention to ‘moderation’ and counterbalancing unhealthy eating with getting enough exercise.  We bought our van when I was 13 weeks pregnant with the twins, I was extremely immobile due to my largeness for much of the pregnancy, then I just got used to driving everywhere when from the age of 18-33 I walked an absolute ton and just about on a daily basis, so naturally I’d be able to keep fitter with that lifestyle.  But I have the exercise bike, and I have 3 little kids that love to be chased after  and picked up and carried – there is absolutely no reason why I can’t get my butt moving and start shedding these excess pounds.

I know my new years’ resolution just turned into the longest rant ever, but I have to take responsibility for this, and this is my vow to get started on getting fit on January 1st, 2014.  This time next year, I want to be talking about what I accomplished throughout the year, not what I wished I had started ages ago!

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