Friday, October 11, 2013

Two years

It's hard to believe that it's been two years since I lost my baby #2 at almost 3 months pregnant.  What I'm focusing more on is how even more incredible it is that one year and 3 days after that, I gave birth to two healthy and beautiful girls who turn ONE on Monday!!  I know I am SOO very lucky to have them in my life.

I still think about Baby #2 on a very regular basis.  It crosses my mind pretty much every day.  I don't know if that will ever change.  It has certainly gotten 'easier' over time - it's rare that I cry about it now, and only seldom does it make me lose sleep (I get flashbacks once in a while when I close my eyes and it feels like it just happened).  I think if it hadn't  happened in the particular tragic manner that it did, I may not think about it still in the way that I do, but then again who knows...What I do know is that it was the worst day of my entire life, and something I will always feel sadness over.  I will never know WHY that baby didn't make it, and yet I will always have that split second mental image of how PERFECT he or she looked.  The not knowing is really the worst part for me.  It's a scar that can't heal.

BUT I have my girls to focus on, and while I still question why I had to go through that, I can't question why I ended up with Margaret and Emily, because I can't imagine my world being complete without them!  They are amazing just like their big brother, so full of life and love and I couldn't imagine it any other way.

I still can't help but feel a sense of sadness today over my loss, though.  My poor baby that couldn't survive, I still feel so sad for him or her.  I will always love that baby, even though I'll never know who they would have been.

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