Tuesday, July 16, 2013

C25k update...wish it was more positive!



Yesterday I completed Day 1 of Week 2 Couch to 5k.

How did it go you might ask?  Not very well, would be my reply.  The more minor issue at this point is how sore my shins are.  Since probably Day 2 of Week 1 I started getting some shin pain, which never fully went away because I didn’t stop long enough to allow them to heal.  I feel like if I stop, will I start again?  I don’t want to fail at this.  On the other hand, I am realizing that if I don’t heal properly before starting again, this pain might not go away, and it makes it hard to complete the run effectively as what I am wanting to.  I feel like I could push myself more and go a bit faster if I didn’t have that pain while doing it.  I’ve read up on it and it’s fairly normal, but yeah…something I need to work on/consider before I keep going I guess.  It’s not THAT bad, and so far I’ve pushed through it, and I was happy to complete the first go of Week 2.  It’s jogging for 90 seconds instead of 60, then walking for 2 minutes instead of 1 1/2, for 20 minutes.  The extra 30 seconds, I admit, is brutal, but I did it!

Now for the MAJOR issue I had last night during my run.  I got laughed at by a group of guys driving by.  Nice, right?  Way to totally blow any amount of self-esteem I had left!!

In part I think they laughed because it just so happened I was stopping as they were going by, and so I’m sure it looked like I just totally couldn’t handle the run and was stopping because I’m so out of shape, when in reality, as much as those things are true(!!!), I was actually stopping because my iphone c25k app was telling me to.  Look, I KNOW I AM OUT OF SHAPE.  But I don’t need to be taunted for it.  I gave birth to two babies just 9 months ago, cut me some slack!  Yes, I am not at my best, but the fact that I am out there working on it should be encouraged, no?  I have to be totally honest, their laughter cut me pretty deep.  That split second really hurt!  I actually had tears well up in my eyes (I didn’t cry though) and I wanted to just quit right then and there (I was only at the half way point).  But as quickly as my eyes welled with tears, those left and I felt a lot of anger toward them, and anyone, who would be so cruel as to outright laugh at someone for working at bettering themselves.  I’m trying, people!  I have a long ways to go and I KNOW THAT, but the fact that I am working on it really should count for something!

I finished the run and went back to meet up with James and the kids at the park where we’d set up for a picnic.  Andrew was having a crummy time and had fallen and broke his water gun so he wasn’t up for any more play time, the babies were too active for me to be able to eat any dinner, and I was miserable from having just been publicly humiliated (well, actually no one saw it happen, but just going through it on my own was enough embarrassment, thank you very much).  So I suggested we pack up and go home.  James took Andrew to do a bit of a grocery shop after we got home because we needed formula and a few other essentials, and in that time frame both girls cried and fussed nearly the whole time, and Margaret took it upon herself to trample her sister at least 5 times, and it was just total hell basically.  I found myself sobbing alongside the babies, which is something I almost never do.  It was a really bad night.

I feel a bit better today, I guess.  Maybe not really.  I just don’t know what to do.  I think going to a gym might be a good thing for me, but I would want to have someone show me all the equipment so I’m doing it properly (it’s been so many years since I had a gym membership) or, preferably, get me into a routine of what I should be doing to get toned/lose weight.  But a personal trainer would be so expensive and we just don’t have the funds.  I feel like maybe it would be better to get a bit more fit in other ways before taking on such a high impact sport as running, but on the other hand the program is called COUCH to 5k, so you’d think I don’t need to already be in decent shape before starting?!  Any suggestions from anyone who’s done this program and/or other exercise regimes, I’d love to hear your advice on what the best approach might be!

Ultimately I want to lose weight and feel better about myself.  I knew I didn’t look good out there running, I know I’m out of shape, that’s why I’m doing this.  But to be laughed at, that just REALLY hurts!  When I was in my teens right up to in my 20s, I used to get whistled at.  Now that my body has changed having had 3 kids, I get laughed at?!  I don’t really want to be whistled at either, truthfully, because I often found it kind of nasty that these random guys thought it was OK to sexualize me like that, but I’d rather be whistled than laughed at.

I feel sad about it, but also so angry at the way people are.  Why would anyone think it’s OK to be so intentionally rude and hurtful?  I know I’m judging them as they were judging me, but I’m willing to bet none of them have girlfriends/wives/children, or if they do, they’re deadbeat boyfriends/husbands/fathers, because any man with an ounce of care and compassion for the women in their lives wouldn’t even think to laugh at someone like that.  Just my two cents.

Onward and upward…things can only improve from here, right??!!!

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