Friday, July 26, 2013

Can't I get a break?!

Did I say the main challenge with twins right now is the fact that James and I rarely have time just the two of us?!  Yesterday must have been more of a smooth-sailing sort of day around here.  I can’t totally remember, because of course I still have baby brain (and likely will for many, many years…ok, probably forever!) but yeah…today?  I’m thinking the main challenge with twins is the obvious fact that THERE ARE TWO OF THEM!

Love them to pieces, totally not that I wish I only had one baby.  I just wish I had an extra pair of hands maybe?!  Or another set of eyes?!  How about 3 nannies – one for each child?!  LOL!!!!!!!!!  I’m joking.  (Maybe?) =P

The logistics make things difficult.  I have a 4 year old who wants me to play hide and seek with him in the backyard.  But I also have two 9 month olds in the kiddie pool splashing around.  I can’t play hide and seek and properly watch 2 babies in water.  So I have a disappointed 4 year old (though he’s somewhat easily swayed to do something else…Today he was content to hose off some outdoor  toys we found in a bin that he’d forgot he even had).  But then one baby wants out of the pool, but as soon as I pick her up, the other baby wants out, too.  I’d say I can’t pick up 2 babies at once, but I do it somehow.  It’s just that it’s not easy, especially when combined they are over 40 pounds.  I have one towel sorta, kinda, not completely wrapped around 2 babies, and I still need to open the screen door and lift the superyard panels that we have propped against the door on the inside to keep the babies from falling through the door when they’re in the living room.  Not an easy task with all that baby in my arms!!  I do it, it’s just hard, and then they inevitably knock heads as I try to put them on the floor as gently as I can, hoping neither of them pees on the carpet as I run to get fresh diapers.  It’s tiring, and while it’s ‘only’ one extra baby, it seems WAY more complicated than if it was a singleton.

At bath time the babies get really upset because no sooner have I got a baby into the water to be washed, I’ve got to get them out and dried off so I can get the next one in.  They just don’t get to enjoy things for the same length of time as one baby, and neither do I for that matter.  Sometimes I take that stuff in stride, knowing it’s just the way it is and reminding myself of the all the benefits of two babies.  But sometimes I can’t help but feel sad at what we’re all missing out on.  I will start to cuddle one baby and feel good about the fact that we’re having a bonding moment, but it’s always cut short because the other baby needs me, too.  I will just get one down for a nap and breathe a sigh of relief for a moment of peace, and then curse the fact that it truly IS just ONE MOMENT because the other baby wakes up the instant her sister falls asleep.  Obviously not every time – at the moment ALL 3 KIDS ARE ASLEEP…But the sad thing about that is it’s nearly 6pm and they fell asleep at about 5:30.  Meaning there’s a good chance at least 2 of the 3 of them won’t want to go to bed till super late.  And so continues the reality of James and I spending no time together, because he’ll likely have to go to bed before they do!

Sigh.  I’m happy mostly.  I have other stressors in my life right now that are pretty seriously affecting how I feel, which makes any little issue seem like something huge.  I’m exhausted, have 40 million things on my to do list, no time to accomplish anything more than half-assed…I just need to breathe.

To add insult to injury, I just sneezed (which obviously couldn’t be avoided) and woke Margaret up.  SIGH!  I think I know the answer to the title of this post…

Summer goodness

Summer is in full swing and I am loving it!  It’s so amazing having so many sunny days, it’s going to take getting used to when it’s back to the ‘r’ word (rain!)

The babies are growing like crazy.  Both girls can stand completely unassisted now, so walking is definitely in their near future.  Andrew started at 10 months, they are almost 9.5 months.  It’s just so hard to believe that they’ve grown this fast and are already getting ready to WALK.  Where did my BABIES go?!!

They are cuter by the minute (hard to imagine, since they were so darn cute to begin with!)  I love having 2 babies at once.  It’s still as chaotic as ever, and will never be without it’s challenges.  But getting to experience two sweet and completely unique personalities is so amazing.  I also love how they look different – definitely similar and at times I mix them up (if I’m looking at the backs of their heads and they’re in identical outfits, it can be hard to tell them apart!) but they look and even FEEL different.  When I give them kisses, it’s different for each baby.  Which of course makes sense but it’s not something you think about before having twins!  Two beautiful little girls, so much love! 

Andrew too, of course.  The other night it was so sweet – he didn’t want to be upstairs alone to go to sleep (even though I’d just spent close to half an hour reading to him and chatting with him for his tuck in) so I said he could come cuddle with me in the chair for just a few minutes and then he had to go to bed.  I cradled him like a baby, and he fell asleep instantly!  He’s so not a baby anymore at 4.5 years old, yet his Momma can still cuddle him to sleep.  I love that!  I’ve been taking notice and really enjoying moments like that lately, because I can see him growing up so fast, and I don’t want to miss out on the things that one day I’ll be longing to have back.

Today we went to Value Village (Andrew loves to get toys there, and today he also picked out an ‘awesome’ shirt that’s red with fiery dragons on it LOL  It’s size 6x and he’s a size 4T so it’s HUGE on him but he doesn’t care.  I washed it when we got home but didn’t have a chance to get it in the dryer because he was going over to my parents’ for the afternoon.  He wore it anyway, wet!  And wore it to bed, too, and said he’s going to wear it FOR-EV-ER.  When we were driving to VV, he called out from the back of the van, ‘Mommy, you know what?  I was so starving, I just ate one of my finger nails!’  I said, ‘I didn’t bring any food with us, do you think you can wait till after Value Village and we can find a snack somewhere?’  He replied, ‘No, it’s OK, I’m full, I ate my finger nail, remember?!’  LOL!  I seriously could not stop laughing after that.

I love how polite Andrew generally is, and how generous he can be.  He wanted some chocolate today (he definitely inherited my sweet tooth!) and after he ate something healthy and got his treat, he immediately offered a portion of it to me.  I said thanks but it’s yours, you enjoy it.  He insisted I have some, and it was just the cutest thing to see the way he offered it to me.  Simple little things like that just melt my heart, I can’t help but adore that boy!

We’ve been taking pretty good about advantage of the beautiful weather and get outside every day.  Last summer I was so immobile being pregnant with the girls, and missed out on so much, so this year I feel like I’m making up for it at least in some small ways.  I don’t get out to all the places I’d go if I didn’t have 3 small kids with me, but we do get out to parks and our yard spaces have proven to be perfect hang out spots.  The babies love splashing around in the little pool in the backyard (Emily in particular!) and Andrew likes to be the pool filler upper!  I got the kids a little picnic table that converts to a water table for a good price on Craigslist, and all 3 of them love to play with the water part.  Emily in particular, once again – she is definitely my water baby of the 3 of them!  But they’ve all enjoyed it.  The girls have also taken to the slide on the little climber I got them for a steal at only $10 a few months back.  I honestly didn’t think they’d take to it this early but they love it.  This afternoon we spent a good chunk of time in the front yard (where the climber and picnic table are) and they took turns on the slide.  Emily got SO annoyed when I put her down to give Margaret a turn, she is quite the slide hog!  It’s tough sometimes that way, because with one baby they would of course just get to enjoy the activity fully and it would be all about them.  It’s great to have to ‘learn to share’ from a young age but at the same time I think it’s nice for babies/little kids to have a chance to just be numero uno for a while, you know?  There’s not much time in one’s life when it is that way!  I feel bad sometimes that it’s basically NEVER that way for the girls…but on the other hand they don’t know any different, and it’s not like they don’t both experience what the other does.  I try to divide the attention as equally as I can!

I think the biggest challenge at this point is finding time to spend just James and me.  We really don’t get much time together at all.  I’m a little bummed because we’re going to Victoria in a few weeks for his sisters’ wedding and the plan was that we’d have people look after the kids for us and just go for one night on our own.  Our first time just us for a whole night since early May 2012!  Unfortunately it’s just not going to work out, so we’ve since booked an extra night at the hotel and we’re taking the kids with us and it will be a different kind of ‘holiday’.  Not a relaxing one AT ALL, but I’m wanting to look forward to it and enjoy it in other ways.  I just feel sad that I don’t foresee us getting time like that just the two of us potentially for many years, truthfully.  I can be pessimistic sometimes, especially compared to how positive James tends to be, but when I mentioned that to him earlier today he actually agreed with me, it will probably be years.  So it’s not just me saying that!  It’s a harsh reality sometimes, to realize that your relationship is…I don’t know…put on hold?  A tad bit stifled?  I don’t know how to describe it.  James and I have a great relationship over all, in fact I’d read that thing circulating on Facebook about this guy who wrote tips on what not to do in a marriage for his sister who was getting hitched…and I felt like I couldn’t identify, because James really does pretty much all the right things!  We are so good together, and I get it when people say ‘marriage is hard’ because it can be trying at times, but for the most part, I actually think it’s relatively easy.  I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else, James is my rock, and we’re great together.  I just wish we could spend more time just the two of us, but it comes with the territory of having 3 kids under the age of 5 that it’s just not possible.  Oh well, there’s plenty of moments for us to enjoy with the kids in tow!  We often marvel at how wonderful our kids are, and I enjoy those moments a lot.  AND it's our 6th wedding anniversary on Saturday so we do have an afternoon date to look forward to!

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

C25k update...wish it was more positive!

Yesterday I completed Day 1 of Week 2 Couch to 5k.

How did it go you might ask?  Not very well, would be my reply.  The more minor issue at this point is how sore my shins are.  Since probably Day 2 of Week 1 I started getting some shin pain, which never fully went away because I didn’t stop long enough to allow them to heal.  I feel like if I stop, will I start again?  I don’t want to fail at this.  On the other hand, I am realizing that if I don’t heal properly before starting again, this pain might not go away, and it makes it hard to complete the run effectively as what I am wanting to.  I feel like I could push myself more and go a bit faster if I didn’t have that pain while doing it.  I’ve read up on it and it’s fairly normal, but yeah…something I need to work on/consider before I keep going I guess.  It’s not THAT bad, and so far I’ve pushed through it, and I was happy to complete the first go of Week 2.  It’s jogging for 90 seconds instead of 60, then walking for 2 minutes instead of 1 1/2, for 20 minutes.  The extra 30 seconds, I admit, is brutal, but I did it!

Now for the MAJOR issue I had last night during my run.  I got laughed at by a group of guys driving by.  Nice, right?  Way to totally blow any amount of self-esteem I had left!!

In part I think they laughed because it just so happened I was stopping as they were going by, and so I’m sure it looked like I just totally couldn’t handle the run and was stopping because I’m so out of shape, when in reality, as much as those things are true(!!!), I was actually stopping because my iphone c25k app was telling me to.  Look, I KNOW I AM OUT OF SHAPE.  But I don’t need to be taunted for it.  I gave birth to two babies just 9 months ago, cut me some slack!  Yes, I am not at my best, but the fact that I am out there working on it should be encouraged, no?  I have to be totally honest, their laughter cut me pretty deep.  That split second really hurt!  I actually had tears well up in my eyes (I didn’t cry though) and I wanted to just quit right then and there (I was only at the half way point).  But as quickly as my eyes welled with tears, those left and I felt a lot of anger toward them, and anyone, who would be so cruel as to outright laugh at someone for working at bettering themselves.  I’m trying, people!  I have a long ways to go and I KNOW THAT, but the fact that I am working on it really should count for something!

I finished the run and went back to meet up with James and the kids at the park where we’d set up for a picnic.  Andrew was having a crummy time and had fallen and broke his water gun so he wasn’t up for any more play time, the babies were too active for me to be able to eat any dinner, and I was miserable from having just been publicly humiliated (well, actually no one saw it happen, but just going through it on my own was enough embarrassment, thank you very much).  So I suggested we pack up and go home.  James took Andrew to do a bit of a grocery shop after we got home because we needed formula and a few other essentials, and in that time frame both girls cried and fussed nearly the whole time, and Margaret took it upon herself to trample her sister at least 5 times, and it was just total hell basically.  I found myself sobbing alongside the babies, which is something I almost never do.  It was a really bad night.

I feel a bit better today, I guess.  Maybe not really.  I just don’t know what to do.  I think going to a gym might be a good thing for me, but I would want to have someone show me all the equipment so I’m doing it properly (it’s been so many years since I had a gym membership) or, preferably, get me into a routine of what I should be doing to get toned/lose weight.  But a personal trainer would be so expensive and we just don’t have the funds.  I feel like maybe it would be better to get a bit more fit in other ways before taking on such a high impact sport as running, but on the other hand the program is called COUCH to 5k, so you’d think I don’t need to already be in decent shape before starting?!  Any suggestions from anyone who’s done this program and/or other exercise regimes, I’d love to hear your advice on what the best approach might be!

Ultimately I want to lose weight and feel better about myself.  I knew I didn’t look good out there running, I know I’m out of shape, that’s why I’m doing this.  But to be laughed at, that just REALLY hurts!  When I was in my teens right up to in my 20s, I used to get whistled at.  Now that my body has changed having had 3 kids, I get laughed at?!  I don’t really want to be whistled at either, truthfully, because I often found it kind of nasty that these random guys thought it was OK to sexualize me like that, but I’d rather be whistled than laughed at.

I feel sad about it, but also so angry at the way people are.  Why would anyone think it’s OK to be so intentionally rude and hurtful?  I know I’m judging them as they were judging me, but I’m willing to bet none of them have girlfriends/wives/children, or if they do, they’re deadbeat boyfriends/husbands/fathers, because any man with an ounce of care and compassion for the women in their lives wouldn’t even think to laugh at someone like that.  Just my two cents.

Onward and upward…things can only improve from here, right??!!!

Nothing sweeter than 2 sleeping babies =)

I’m not one to enforce a strict routine on my babies.  It’s just not something I’m good at.  I can’t be the type of parent who can’t be out during certain hours of the day because that’s when the babies sleep.  I wasn’t that way with Andrew, and I’m not that way with the girls.  I can see the benefits of both sides, but I like to just go with the flow of what the babies need at any given time.  When we go out, they generally fall asleep in the van and there’s nothing I can do about that, so they have their nap times at various times through the day, depending on what we happen to be up to.  If they fall asleep in their stroller when we’re out, fine.  Whatever goes!  For the past couple of days they’ve tandem napped on the rug in the living room, and that’s working gloriously – I REALLY hope it keeps up (although I kind of know it won’t, because that’s just how it tends to go with 2 babies at once!!)

I like it when they nap at the same time for obvious reasons.  Andrew and I had some good craft and play time yesterday while the girls co-slept, and today (while Andrew is downtown) I am getting some time for journaling.  Margaret in particular could wake 10 minutes into what I would expect to be a longer nap so I’m always aware that my ‘break time’ could end at any second (she’s a cat napper, that one – Emily is still my ‘good sleeper’, thank goodness for one good sleeper!!)  But I’ll take what I can get.  Usually I spend the time they sleep doing chores quickly, since it’s a lot easier to get a few things done when they’re not active, but I got some stuff done while they played a little earlier, so I’m taking this time to just write.

Margaret and Emily turned 9 months old on Sunday, which is just so hard to believe.  Since they ‘only’ made it to 36 weeks on the inside (which is 9 months), they have now officially been on the outside longer than they were on the inside.  How crazy is that?!  It seems like just yesterday they were born.  On the other hand, how did I ever exist before knowing them?!  They are the sweetest baby girls, such beauties inside and out.  I am so lucky to have them (and of course their big brother Andrew, too, always and forever my ‘biggest, bestest boy in the whole wide world’ as I like to tell him!)

The girls have officially started playing with each other!  They sort of have here and there up till now, but yesterday in particular I noticed they started making each other giggle.  This morning Emily kept putting her hand near Margaret’s face, and Margaret would lean forward and stick her tongue out at Em’s fingers.  This would send Emily into a fit of laughter, so funny!  Unfortunately I didn’t have my camera near me at the time to video it, but I love knowing there are so many of those types of cute and funny moments to come.  It makes all the harder moments of having 2 babies at once so worth it to see them having fun together.  Sisters and best friends for life!

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