Thursday, May 02, 2013

The good and the bad



(This is poorly written and I'm not sure where I was even going with it but dealing with everyone else while writing makes it difficult to think...)

With all 3 kids around me, not sure how long this writing will last, but I’m going to give it a try!  Girls have bottles propped, Margaret has fallen asleep and Emily is fighting it but hopefully will be down for a nap soon.  And Andrew is going through all his little toys in a big plastic bin that I brought downstairs to keep him occupied for a few.  I’m coming to realize that if I don’t squeeze in time for things like writing during the chaos of the day, it won’t happen at all.  By the time I get ‘me time’ in the evenings (which is minimal) I have zero energy and can’t think to write or do anything much at all that’s productive.  Bath and sleep, that’s pretty much it.

I love the 6.5 month age, and with two it’s double the fun, truly.  I love the way the girls are starting to interact with each other.  They smile at each other once in a while, or babble at one another.  They are constantly battling over who gets the toys, which is only going to get worse as they’re able to pick things up better on their own!  But right now it’s adorable to watch.  I love the way they sit up and just look so absolutely adorable doing it.  We really do have the cutest kids in the world, if I do say so myself!

But I’d be lying if I said for all the wonderful aspects of having twins, that it wasn’t also terrifyingly difficult at times.  I say ‘terrifyingly’ because I just know it’s only going to get more complicated as they get on the move and are into more and more things.  I see no end in sight for the many challenges to be faced.  It’s a hard realization sometimes, because I feel like it could literally be YEARS before I get a sense of self back.  I don’t mean it in a selfish way, I love my kids and raising them is the best thing I can be doing, I wouldn’t change this for anything.  I’m just really REALLY tired and I think ultimately if I wasn’t a total zombie every single day this wouldn’t seem as challenging as it does.  I have really good babies, they really barely cry or fuss.  If they cry for like one minute it feels like an hour because I’m not used to them being so fussy!  Well maybe that’s stretching it a bit, Emily is in full whining mode at the moment and it’s kind of annoying…but it really doesn’t take much to get them happy again, so I can’t really complain in that department
It’s just hard never feeling like I have a break.  On the rare occasions when they nap at the same time during the day, I feel compelled to get a few chores done, because if I don’t that stuff looms and I have to do it when I’m at my worst energy-wise.  So by the time I get things done (or half-assed done as is sometimes the case, since I have to rush through anything and everything) one or both babies is awake again and on it goes.

I feel like I’m getting more into a groove of this, and when people tell me they can’t imagine having twins and talk about twins the way my former, pre-having-twins self would have, I can’t help but think how lucky I am to be a part of this club that non-twin moms can’t understand.  Double the love, the cuddles, the laughter.  Double the cuteness, a whole extra person to cherish!  It’s amazing.  Nothing else like it.  But yes, it’s true, it’s hard, and I completely get why it’s hard to imagine dealing with because it’s A LOT to take on!

I think if I had some time to do something for myself and was able to explore even just one other interest on a regular basis, I might not feel quite so isolated and…sometimes resentful.  Not resentful because I don’t love what I’m doing because I do, but I think it’s important to not feel completely lost as an individual.  It’s hard to find that balance.  I really don’t have much help so I just don’t see this changing any time soon.  But I’m working on it…In the meantime, the babies have fallen asleep, so I’d better get something done before they’re raring to go again!
Spoke too soon, Margaret is awake.  And so it goes!

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