Working through the crazy...
And as a follow up to the last post, this one was written on Feb 14...
I can’t say I really feel a whole lot better since I wrote my last post, but it has only been a day since I wrote it, so…
I am still quite involved with a multiples group online, and we are very open with each other in our discussions of things we’re going through, questions we have, etc. I mentioned to them how I’ve been feeling and it would appear it is a VERY common occurrence as mothers of multiples, to feel overwhelmed and like things just aren’t going the way we had hoped/planned. It makes sense, right? It’s rare you meet someone who has ONE baby, and only that one baby, and no other children at all, and have them say it’s a breeze having that ONE. So to have an older child who is still at a needy and dependent age, and then to throw twins into the mix, it’s a lot to take on. I have to remind myself not to beat myself up when I catch myself in a bad moment or having a not so good day. There are going to be ups and downs, and I have to just take this a day at a time. It’s very easy for me right now to focus on the things that make me go to a very negative place in my head, because I’m tired, and it’s true that sleep deprivation is a wicked, wicked thing. But there are good things to remind myself of, and I don’t want to get lost in the bad and lose sight of how wonderful certain moments can be, too.
Tonight I was sitting on the couch beside Margaret, and I leaned close to her face. She reached up her hand and grabbed my hair and I gently tugged my head away and she did everything she could to let out a laugh. She’s still working on mastering the laugh, but the grin on her face and the fact that she was trying. I couldn’t help but feel happy in that moment!
Last night was exhausting because Margaret WOULD NOT settle. Any time I finally thought I had her asleep, I would get up to go do something that had to be done, such as making James’ lunch for today (which I actually never was able to get to) she would sense that I was no longer beside her and she’d wail until I sat back down, and then she’d go back to sleep. Then she just started crying with me sitting beside her so I picked her up, and as soon as I had her cuddled in my arms she was out like a light, so content to cuddle into Mommy. It was heart-warming, and even though I was exhausted and I had things I ‘should’ have been getting done, there was nowhere I would rather be than there cuddling one of my baby girls! One thing with twins I have found is that cuddling can be complicated. I want to cuddle both, but realistically with how big and squirmy they are now, only one can be cuddled at a time. So sometimes that means neither gets the cuddles I would give if I had a singleton, because there is just double the work of settling them in the first place, and by the time they are settled, I tend to not think about the cuddle factor as much. It’s hard to explain, but I bet any mom of twins would know what I’m talking about! So Margaret just needed some cuddle time (by the way, I am positive both babies are teething, and sometimes extra cuddles go along with the teething issues, too) and I was so happy to have that special time with her, just holding her and enjoying her breathing and her scent, and her warm little baby body cuddled against my chest.
I love the way Emily will wake up and sometimes be a tad grumpy in the process of getting me to go to her, but as soon as I look at her, she gives me the most adorable grin ever. Margaret does this too, although she’s less grumpy and more just waits for me to come get her – but those smiles, I’m telling you! They do make so much of the exhaustion seem more worthwhile.
I love how strong our girls are – they are already using their exersaucers and the Jolly Jumper, and they seem to be enjoying both more and more. I love that they don’t cry a lot – sometimes I feel like they are crying a lot but really, when I think about it, they only cry when they need something 98% of the time. It’s very, very rare they would cry just for the sake of crying, like a lot of babies do. I’m very grateful for that.
I love how different their personalities are. I love how Margaret is so James, and Emily is so me. And my mom. Emily actually looks identical to my mom as a baby, it’s kind of uncanny.
I want to write about how great Andrew is with his sisters, because most of the time he is, and I appreciate that so much. I also appreciate how patient he CAN be, considering all he’s been put through in his short little life, considering the miscarriage I went through and how he had to deal with me being pregnant and sick, then not and depressed, then pregnant and extremely sick/immobile due to it being twins, now having twin sisters, AND moving shortly after their birth…it’s a lot for a little person to take on, and he has done amazing when you look at it that way. But today he was horrid nearly all day so I feel like I can’t really talk about his greatness at the moment. LOL Love the little guy but today, wow.
I really need to keep using this as my outlet for the ways I’m feeling, both the good and the bad. I will end it there for tonight because James has to go to bed and my computer’s about to conk out due to low battery, but…I will just keep reminding myself of what’s GOOD and hopefully the good will outweigh the bad.