Thursday, October 11, 2012

Hard to believe a year has gone by



It’s really hard to believe that it has been a year exactly since we lost our Baby#2.  How could it be a year already?  That’s crazy.  In so many ways it feels like it happened just yesterday.  I’ll certainly never forget it.  I will always feel sad when I think about it, but at the same time I know I have to just let it be.  I still struggle with that…I still wonder why it happened, and what was wrong that the pregnancy couldn’t last.  Knowing I’ll never have the answers is tough, not something I handle entirely well.  But I do take comfort in the fact that I was able to conceive again, and not just one but two babies at once!  Two babies that could literally arrive at any time now.  It’s a weird feeling, sensing the loss from last year that has never really left me, that never really will, but also feeling so lucky to have these 2 girls on the way, and to know they could arrive any day now.  I was so devastated losing that baby last year, I worried that we would never have another baby, and I became totally consumed with the sadness and sense of loss and hopelessness.  I still don’t understand why I had to go through that, but at the same time if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have these 2 girls, so like I said, I have to just let it be, and hold onto what I have now.  I also will always have the memory of that baby we lost, and while it’s very painful in a lot of ways, I hope that baby knows how very grateful I am to him or her, because ultimately I wouldn’t be where I am today if I hadn’t gone through what I did.  It’s bittersweet…months back, if I could have gone back in time and not have experienced that loss I’d probably have done it because then I’d be none the wiser to what my life would have been otherwise…but this is where I am, and how could I be anything but grateful for what I have and what I have to look forward to?  Now that we’re here and about to have our twins, I couldn’t possibly go back in time and change anything.

I have to try to look on the bright side, because I’d go crazy if I didn’t.  And I KNOW I’m SO lucky, so I have to hold onto that.

Still, it’s an emotional time.  I’m very hormonal with the twins ready to pop out at any moment, knowing we’re going to meet our two little girls…I’m so excited but also so nervous, and it seems kind of unreal that a year ago I lost a baby and now I could potentially give birth to these two exactly one year later.  I have my doubts it will happen today, but it’s definitely going to happen in the general time frame, and it’s weird to think about.  I really do feel that loss still on a regular basis, and I sometimes wonder when or if that will ever go away.  But rather than dwelling on the sadness and loss aspect, I want to move forward thinking about it in terms of what that baby was able to give me.  He or she made it possible for our twins to become a reality, and for that I can’t be anything but grateful and happy. 

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