Sunday, September 02, 2012

Insomnia



I’m dealing with some sort of insomnia at the moment.  I went to bed but my mind raced, then the heartburn kicked in big time, and by now it goes without saying that the babies were kicking and punching in protest of my every move in an attempt to get comfortable.

So I’m up.  At 2:15 in the morning.  The only saving grace is that it’s the weekend and once I finally DO fall asleep, I won’t have to get up at the crack of dawn with Andrew.  Still, I wish I could be sleeping right now…

So where did my mind go when it started to race?  First I was thinking about the babies, which of course is the most prominent ‘thing’ on my mind.  Their impending arrival, the fact that we are getting SO CLOSE with no actual idea when it will happen other than we are LESS THAN TEN WEEKS AWAY FROM MEETING THEM, basically guaranteed.  I am 30 weeks pregnant now.  THIRTY WEEKS WITH TWINS!!  OH EM GEE – we are in the home stretch now, and when I really think about it, as excited as I am (and I AM!), it gives me a very nervous stomach!!!!!

Mostly I think about the babies, the girls, these two human beings that are forever reminding me that they are thriving with their hard kicks and bums rolling from side to side, most likely fighting for what very little space is left in there.

But then my mind drifted to our Baby#2.  The baby that didn’t make it.  Which did make it so these 2 baby girls could be possible, and for that I’ll be forever grateful.  But it’s bittersweet because I can’t help but also feel that I’ll be forever sad about that loss.

You might wonder why I keep thinking about it.  I sometimes wonder that myself.  I don’t really want to think about it, but at the same time I don’t want to never think about it, because it happened, it was very real to me, it changed who I am and the way I think.  Maybe in part it’s just habit.  I’ve been thinking about it since the day it happened.  It never goes away.  I don’t want to pretend it’s not a part of my existence because it is.

I don’t think about it all the time, in fact lately I am able to mostly just focus on thinking about the twins, or Andrew, or other stuff in my life or in the world that happen to be on my mind.  I don’t think I DWELL per se, although perhaps on a night like tonight, when it’s late and I’m tired and in need of sleep but just can’t drift off…my mind wanders to the places it should probably leave well enough alone.

I just can’t help but continually wonder why it happened.  I have 2 precious and amazing reasons that I’ll soon be able to hold onto, for why it had to happen.  If I hadn’t become pregnant with these twins, there are so many people I would not have met ALREADY that have had an impact on me.  There is so much I would not have learned, and so much extra love I would not be giving or receiving by having a whole extra child that I wasn’t expecting to ever have!  So that in itself right there should give me all the comfort I need.  And it’s not that it doesn’t…I mean, I’m so happy and grateful to be having twins now, as I know I’ve said before, I couldn’t imagine it any other way because this is my new reality!  I just can’t help but wonder why it was that my life was meant to go in this direction when it was, for 11 weeks at least, going in another last fall.

I can’t help but ask myself impossible questions to answer.  I try not to ask myself WHY in terms of what went wrong, because that just loops my brain into total insanity.  I have to chalk it up to being a fluke in the sense that the baby was either positioned wrong and couldn’t survive because of that (my gut belief, despite that I have no proof and never will) or there was a genetic defect that caused the baby ‘fetus’ to not be able to thrive (I find this hard to believe despite that medically it’s probably the most probable answer…again, we’ll never know, so…)  Whatever the reason, it doesn’t really matter, does it, because the end result was the same.

If I’d gotten pregnant again after that with a singleton, maybe I would still think about that loss in the same way I do now.  But I wonder if I’d actually be having a more difficult time with it if that were the case.  Because getting pregnant with twins at least makes me feel like there’s more of a ‘reason’ for that loss somehow…As if I was ‘meant’ to have twins.  I would never have intentionally had 3 kids, let alone 2 at the same time, but I AM, and I wonder if there’s a reason for why it worked out this way.  But then I question that, too.  I mean…I often hear people say, ‘God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle.’  In fact, several people said this to me when I told them I was pregnant with twins.  The problem is, I don’t believe in ‘God’, not in the tradition sense of the word, at least.  So I wonder if such a statement even applies. 

Is it contradictory for me to say I don’t believe there is a God essentially dictating my existence, yet I want to believe that everything happens for a reason?

I don’t know why I feel this need for everything to have a reason.  I guess as for a lot of (probably most) people, I just want life (and everything in it) to make sense.  I want to be able to compartmentalize events for what they are and learn from them, and part of being able to do that is labeling them with a reason for happening. 


It’s no longer just a question of ‘why did I lose that baby’, but also, ‘why was I ‘blessed’ (for lack of a less religious term, given my non-religious self!) with twins’?  It feels like there was a reason for it, and I guess I’ll be finding that out in 2 months or less!!  Holding them in my arms is going to be magical, especially after what I went through to get to that point (which I know could have been much, much worse, but it’s all relative).

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not questioning any of this because I wish I could go back in time and just have that other baby and not even know about my current reality.  I can’t help but want this to be the way it all ended up, despite that I feel somewhat bad saying that, for the sake of that other baby that didn’t get to survive.  It’s obviously not fair to him or her, and I don’t know why it had to be that way.  But it’s what happened, and I just have to live with it.  And maybe I also need to recognize that it’s possible not everything has or even needs a ‘reason’ for happening.  Maybe life is just random like that, and as the saying goes, shit happens.  I guess in order to feel in some amount of control of my own life (even though events like losing a pregnancy make one feel more than ever that they are very much NOT in control of their own life), I want to hold onto the belief that there IS a reason, even if sometimes it’s hard to know exactly what it is.

Mostly I focus on the babies that are healthy and thriving and growing inside me as I write this.  It makes me happy beyond words to think about them, and of course about Andrew – I have been and am so, so lucky.  I guess the trauma of the loss just hasn’t quite gone away for me yet.  It’s not as prominent, and I won’t let it take over, but it’s hard sometimes…As happy as I am to be where I am now, I guess sometimes it makes me sad to think about how I got to be here, as dramatic as that might sound.

The good news is that I have an abundance of baby cuddles coming my way, and very soon!  More than I will even know what to do with!  And I am not going to take that for granted.

1 comment:

panic attacks relief said...

We are all facing the insomnia from time to time. Point is to work on our self constantly to get inner peace, to be positive and to stay positive.



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