If only we could speed up the process...

Sleep is becoming near impossible these days.  I find when I finally am able to fall asleep, I am very aware of my restlessness, even while dreaming.  It’s hard to explain, but it’s a weird feeling.  I have very vivid, often strange dreams, but it’s like I’m aware that I’m dreaming.  Yet it feels different from ‘lucid’ dreaming.  I can’t control what’s going on or anything, I think it’s more that I can feel my body even though I’m asleep, and I’m very uncomfortable.  I often wake up with an arm or a leg that’s asleep, or to those stupid leg cramps that are absolutely killer.

Last night I tried to go to bed early, but the heart burn got so bad that after 45 minutes of lying there I got up again.  The annoying thing is that I really AM very tired, and I WANT to go to sleep, I just can’t seem to do it till I’m so beyond tired and it’s the wee hours of the morning already.  I end up sleeping, but have to wake up each time I need to roll over – which seems to be often, because otherwise my legs in particular seem to get quite sore.  My bladder is also not what it used to be, so I’m fighting getting up in the night to pee since it wakes me up to the extent it could be another hour or more before I can drift off again, but at the same time holding it in is becoming less and less of an option!  So frustrating.

I ended up getting up really early this morning after almost no sleep – so early that both Andrew AND James were still asleep!  As soon as I got up I started feeling stabbing pains on my cervix.  I don’t know how else to describe it, it feels like needles shooting through my cervix when I try to walk.  I was also feeling really uncomfortable in my lower belly, where the babies heads are essentially.  I chalked it up to the fact that baby A’s head is resting right on my cervix, so depending on how they move and where they’re laying, my cervix is being pressed on and it’s getting sore the bigger they get.  As well, being so over tired doesn’t help with the aches and pains.

James was concerned when he got up, because I was basically doubled over on the floor, resting my head on the couch – which is the exact position I used while labouring at home when I was about to have Andrew!  I certainly wasn’t feeling like I was in labour or having contractions or anything, but I had to admit that I was in enough discomfort that I was worried about being left on my own with the boy for the day.  Luckily James was able to work from home for a couple of hours before he would have to make his way to the office, so he popped in a movie for Andrew and I went back to bed.  I had a really restless sleep, and had crazy dreams – in one, the girls were starting grade one! – but at least I DID get some sleep, and felt slightly better when I woke up.  I could still barely walk and was in a lot of discomfort, but it felt more manageable than it had at 6 in the morning.

Andrew luckily was being so good for me, and seemed somewhat understanding of the pain I was in and was fine with being kind of lazy.  We read books, watched shows, had a bath, and then got ready and went over to my mom’s for the rest of the day.  Tomorrow he’s going to his Nana’s so I can sleep in as late as possible and just get as much rest as I can.  I have a few errands I have to run tomorrow, but otherwise I’m going to try really hard to not do much at all, even though I’m totally bored by that plan already!

I am 31 weeks and 2 days pregnant with these girls.  That’s too early to give birth if we want to avoid a lot of NICU time and worry that I’d rather do without.  I want to keep them in as long as I can because I know it’s best for them to bake longer.  But this is SO HARD.  I had NO IDEA how hard it would be to gestate multiples, particularly in the 3rd trimester!  It’s absolutely crazy.  I know I’m not alone in how I feel, because every single woman in the multiples group I’m in feels the same way or felt the same way while going through these stages.  It’s just so different from a singleton pregnancy, which can be challenging enough at times.  It’s so hard because I’m measuring over full term, yet I know I have quite a ways to go yet.  Not very long at all in the grand scheme of things, but when you’re aching and in pain constantly and can barely walk, it’s pretty frustrating to think how many more weeks are potentially left, and the fact that mobility will only get WORSE when it seems already that it’s not possible!

It’s a strange mix of emotions because I KNOW, I can already sense it, that once the girls are here as happy as I’ll be, I’m going to have some tears and difficulty coming to terms with the fact that I am never going to be pregnant again.  It’s uncomfortable and I feel so debilitated and at this point all I can think of is how great it’s going to be to get my body back to some semblance of normal, to be able to move and bend with ease, to be able to walk, what a concept!  Yet it’s also so natural and beautiful and amazing to be pregnant, and I’m frustrated with myself for sort of wishing it away when I’m never going to do this again.  It’s hard to explain, but wow, this double pregnancy sure is taking it’s toll on my body!  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror tonight and was shocked at how big I am, it’s really crazy how giant the belly is, and it’s going to expand quite a bit more, which seems so impossible!

The girls are moving around LIKE CRAZY in there, and almost constantly.  There is very little time during the day (or night, for that matter) where I don’t notice them making really strong movements.  Maybe because when one moves, the other has to, or maybe feels she needs to ‘fight back’, I don’t know!  They are definitely very squished in there, and I can definitely feel that they have put on a fair bit of weight in the past week or so.  I really can feel it.  They’re getting stronger, and it’s all getting so much tighter.  The movements are heavy, and I see big lumps of body parts protrude through parts of my belly as they adjust themselves, it’s so weird.  Sometimes I’ll feel baby B’s feet in my ribs, like she’s trying to stretch out or something, and then I know in a few seconds a huge lump (her bum, I’m guessing) rolls toward my belly button and back.  It’s so crazy!  Oh, and my belly button…yeah…I’m thinking for the first time in my life it’s going to happen – it’s going to become an outie.  I can’t even believe that it’s possible since my belly button is probably the deepest a belly button could ever get.  I REALLY don’t want it to pop out, but it’s VERY close, and just in the past couple of days I’ve noticed it has stretched more and more.  Even Andrew has noticed it, and made some comments about how weird it looks!!  It’s so funny hearing his comments on the changes I’m going through, since of course he’s speaking from a totally innocent 3 year old perspective!  The other day when I was taking a bath he told me I’d better wash my nipples because they’re looking so dirty!  LOL  It’s of course because they get so much darker during pregnancy/prepping for breastfeeding.  I tried to explain it to him, but he said, ‘You should just wash them anyway!’  LOL  I do enjoy putting his hand to my belly to feel the babies moving – sometimes his eyes will widen and he’ll say, ‘I felt that!’ and he’ll ask what his sisters are doing, or laugh because he thinks they’re kicking at him on purpose and for some reason that’s hilarious to him!

I don’t want to wish all of this away, but at the same time, it’s hard not to.  I’m already not sleeping much – granted, I KNOW I will be faaaar more sleep deprived once the babies are actually here!  I DO know that!  I think I’m tired now, but in comparison to once they arrive, no, I’m really not very tired at all.  But still…I feel like my sleep is definitely lacking, and my mobility issues and increasing aches and pains are making me feel more ready for the babies to arrive so I can just start living the new phase of our lives.  As crazy and chaotic as it’s going to be, we’re going to have 2 precious little girls!  Let’s just get these next 6-ish weeks out of the way now, shall we?!


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