Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Anxiety about the unknown...



I’m feeling really fragile about the likelihood that our babies will have to spend time in the NICU.  I’m particularly sensitive about it because I can’t stand the idea that after carrying these 2 babies for all this time, they won’t be 100% in my care right off the bat.  There’s something wrong with that in my mind.

It’s mostly a motherly instinct, I would think, to want one’s own babies close by so I know they’re being taken care of as best as possible.  I don’t care how good of a nurse you are, those are MY BABIES and I want to be the one caring for them!  I think, too, that part of this stems from losing our last pregnancy, and desperately wanting to hold onto that baby but not being able to.  It still upsets me on a very regular basis to think about, and I guess you could say that the result means I’m feeling possessive of my twins!  But rightfully so, I mean, they ARE my babies, and they ARE growing in me!  I’m attached, quite literally at the moment, and I don’t want that bond to be ripped away just because they’ve made their debut in the world.

I know that NICU time should just be a little blip in our lives, since there’s no reason to suspect that we’d spend a really LONG time there or anything, but even a couple of weeks sounds frightening to me.  I don’t want to be at home empty handed, save for my breast pump which I’d be having to use constantly and then drive 45 minutes each way to take it to the babies, who may or may not even be placed together, which freaks me out too because I want them to be maintaining THEIR bond.  And not to mention the complication of how Andrew would factor into this, since he’s not going to want to go back and forth to the hospital, and even if he did I’d need someone else with me to help with him – and ultimately I don’t want James to take his 3 weeks off work when the babies aren’t even home yet…

So much unknown with twins.  It’s really upsetting me.

I know that there’s a chance they won’t need NICU time at all, but it sounds like a slim chance with twins.  If they come before 37 weeks, I think it’s pretty much a guarantee that they’ll spend time there.  And while there IS a chance we’ll make it to 37 weeks, I really have my doubts at this point.  I’m trying to tell myself that I really have no idea – I mean, I was POSITIVE that Andrew was going to be AT LEAST 2-3 weeks early, maybe 4!  And he was late…But the reason I thought that was because both me and my brother were early, so I figured my labour would be similar to what my mom went through.  But not so!  With a twin labour, it’s more about the statistics of what typically happens…and from what I can gather, there’s a high risk of time in the NICU for the simple reason that the babies are going to be smaller, and therefore will have more feeding issues etc. 

I wish it could all be simpler.  I don’t want someone else to be taking care of my babies.  I just want to be able to bring them home and bond with them and love them and hold them and nurture them the way it’s meant to be.  Is that really so much to ask?!

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