Sunday, September 30, 2012

34 weeks...time is ticking!



I’m feeling kind of blah tonight.  Pregnancy hormones, maybe?  I don’t really know.  Maybe I’m just starting to feel really overwhelmed by reality.  The fact is, as totally ecstatic I am to meet my two girls, it just seems so surreal that it’s going to be happening within the next several weeks.  Every time I think about the impending labour, and how our lives our about to change in such a huge way – and FOREVER – I get this complete wave of…anxiety?  I don’t know if that’s quite the word.  I just feel overwhelmed by a ‘feeling’, like – aaaaaahhhhhh, this is actually HAPPENING!!!!!

I’m SO excited, though.  I mean, how could I not be?!  Nearly a year ago, I lost our Baby#2 and was so devastated.  It’s weird how a year ago (in 11 days – ooh there’s that number 11 again) it was the worst day of my entire life ever, and now, here I am a year later, waiting for one of the best days of my life ever (the birth of our two healthy girls!)  It’s going to be incredible to have the babies with us, to get to know them, to be able to show Andrew – SEE, the babies grew in my belly and came out, they’re REAL, not just ‘babies in Mommy’s belly’!!  I’m so excited about that.  But also so nervous about how it’s going to go – when will I go into labour?  How long will it take?  I’m not really worried that it’ll take a long time (though it could happen that way, yikes, don’t even want to imagine it taking a super long time!!) but I am worried that it might not take long enough!  I REALLY want to get to the hospital with plenty of time to get ‘settled’ before they make their appearances! 

I also reeeeeally hope and pray that they decide it’s time when James is home with me, so he can drive me to the hospital.  I’m SO scared that it will happen on a day when I’m either alone, or alone with Andrew, and everyone with a car is at work.  My only option in that situation is to get an ambulance.  We’ve decided that would be the best route to take in that situation, because for one our insurance covers ambulance 70%, and I’d feel much more secure being in labour with ambulance attendants at the ready, as opposed to a 45 minute taxi ride!  I don’t think my nerves could hack that.  But I also know I hate the idea of having to call an ambulance, it just seems so…excessive, and maybe kind of scary somehow.

I feel like it’s complicated, and I hate not knowing how it’s going to work out.  And of course I’m terrified of the pain because I already know what it’s like…only this time with two, I worry about Baby B turning after A comes out, and the potential for a vaginal delivery with one but a c-section with the other, which would NOT be ideal…I REALLY hope it works out that I can do this as naturally as possible, and not totally regret it.

All the unknowns and what ifs are somewhat plaguing me – I’m trying not to let them, but it’s hard not to think about these things when they’re all the potential realities that I could experience ANY TIME NOW.

I’m 34 weeks today, which I guess you could say is a milestone, although each additional day/week counts for something, and I’d reeeeally like to make it at least another 2 weeks, preferably 3…Here’s hoping!  It’s just so hard not knowing…

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