Sunday, September 30, 2012

34 weeks...time is ticking!

I’m feeling kind of blah tonight.  Pregnancy hormones, maybe?  I don’t really know.  Maybe I’m just starting to feel really overwhelmed by reality.  The fact is, as totally ecstatic I am to meet my two girls, it just seems so surreal that it’s going to be happening within the next several weeks.  Every time I think about the impending labour, and how our lives our about to change in such a huge way – and FOREVER – I get this complete wave of…anxiety?  I don’t know if that’s quite the word.  I just feel overwhelmed by a ‘feeling’, like – aaaaaahhhhhh, this is actually HAPPENING!!!!!

I’m SO excited, though.  I mean, how could I not be?!  Nearly a year ago, I lost our Baby#2 and was so devastated.  It’s weird how a year ago (in 11 days – ooh there’s that number 11 again) it was the worst day of my entire life ever, and now, here I am a year later, waiting for one of the best days of my life ever (the birth of our two healthy girls!)  It’s going to be incredible to have the babies with us, to get to know them, to be able to show Andrew – SEE, the babies grew in my belly and came out, they’re REAL, not just ‘babies in Mommy’s belly’!!  I’m so excited about that.  But also so nervous about how it’s going to go – when will I go into labour?  How long will it take?  I’m not really worried that it’ll take a long time (though it could happen that way, yikes, don’t even want to imagine it taking a super long time!!) but I am worried that it might not take long enough!  I REALLY want to get to the hospital with plenty of time to get ‘settled’ before they make their appearances! 

I also reeeeeally hope and pray that they decide it’s time when James is home with me, so he can drive me to the hospital.  I’m SO scared that it will happen on a day when I’m either alone, or alone with Andrew, and everyone with a car is at work.  My only option in that situation is to get an ambulance.  We’ve decided that would be the best route to take in that situation, because for one our insurance covers ambulance 70%, and I’d feel much more secure being in labour with ambulance attendants at the ready, as opposed to a 45 minute taxi ride!  I don’t think my nerves could hack that.  But I also know I hate the idea of having to call an ambulance, it just seems so…excessive, and maybe kind of scary somehow.

I feel like it’s complicated, and I hate not knowing how it’s going to work out.  And of course I’m terrified of the pain because I already know what it’s like…only this time with two, I worry about Baby B turning after A comes out, and the potential for a vaginal delivery with one but a c-section with the other, which would NOT be ideal…I REALLY hope it works out that I can do this as naturally as possible, and not totally regret it.

All the unknowns and what ifs are somewhat plaguing me – I’m trying not to let them, but it’s hard not to think about these things when they’re all the potential realities that I could experience ANY TIME NOW.

I’m 34 weeks today, which I guess you could say is a milestone, although each additional day/week counts for something, and I’d reeeeally like to make it at least another 2 weeks, preferably 3…Here’s hoping!  It’s just so hard not knowing…

Friday, September 28, 2012

TGIF and my boy's coming home!!

My boys are on their way home right now and I’m soooo excited!  TGIF AND I get my boy back, finally!  3 nights and I’m telling you, it feels like I haven’t seen him for a year.  Can’t wait to have my sidekick back.  My little partner in crime ;)

I reeeeally wanted to get out for a bit today because I can already feel the walls caving in on me, and I know that feeling’s only going to get worse once the babies are here and it’s even more difficult to go out (at least in the beginning).  So I picked up my mom and we went out to Homesense just for a look around.  Well, about one minute walking in the store and I could barely breathe.  I was fine all morning at home, so it seemed weird that all of a sudden I felt near death, I was that out of breath.  I know that my heart is doing triple duty, since it’s pumping blood for me AND 2 babies, so that’s why I often get so winded, (not to mention the decreased lung capacity due to babies shoving my lungs out of the way) but this was ridiculous.  I had to just sit in a chair while my mom looked around because I couldn’t hack it.  My days of doing much of anything whatsoever till the babies arrive?  Let’s face it, they’ve come to pass!  Thank goodness we pretty much did every single thing I’d wanted to do during the summer, and now with the rainier weather settling in, well, I guess it’s an okay time for not really doing much.

We went out for coffee which was nice, since at least it was a change of scenery, but I wasn’t having to do any walking. 

But even that tuckered me out, so I dropped my mom off and came home.  I ended up forcing myself to get a few chores done around the house because ultimately the stuff WON’T keep forever, it HAS to get done, and while James is definitely helping me out a lot there’s so much he just doesn’t think to do…and I’m tired of asking!

I’ve come to realize that it’s going to be a major challenge once the babies arrive…I’m not going to get into the details of it, but let’s just say that I’m concerned by a certain someone (not James!) trying to take too much control of our situation…and I don’t think I’ll take too well to it if it happens.  I am grateful that people want to help us in whatever way they can, but I am NOT good about people swooping in and telling me how it’s going to be, or informing me of what I SHOULD be doing, or allowing them to do.  I like to control my own life, and I like to be in control of my household and my situation.  Makes sense, right?  I realize it’s something I may have to relax a little bit, but I’m honestly not entirely sure how much I’ll actually be able to do that.  Just who I am!  I’m 32 and I’ve been this way my whole life – never took well to being told what to do (my parents can certainly vouch for that!!) so…why would I start now?!

I’ve made homemade pesto stuffed mushroom caps with cheese ravioli for dinner, along with steamed asparagus (sadly, I over steamed it a bit, but it still tastes good!) and cut up some tomato for garnish.  I also made a batch (from a mix, so I cheated) of a yummy potato cheddar soup that Andrew really likes, so if he doesn’t want the pasta he can have the soup.  I’m wanting to give him options because I want to spoil him when he gets home tonight – I can’t help it, it just feels like I’ve been away from him for so long, and not having been the one taking care of him with his cold just tore at my heart strings.  Must make up for that!  But I have to say, standing for about 45 minutes in the kitchen prepping and making the food after doing some household chores has left me in an even weaker state.  Sad but true…We need to figure out how we’re going to survive food-wise the next while, because I don’t think I can cook anymore, or at least not much.  I want to get convenience foods in, but I also don’t want to just be eating from frozen food boxes every day either.  Me thinks James will be doing some cooking and freezing of homemade cooking this weekend!

Update on date night...

So it turns out the show we had tickets to for tonight got ‘postponed till a later date’ – which tells me we really weren’t meant to see the show, because ‘a later date’, at this point, is not going to work for us!

I’m a little bummed about it because it would have been an awesome show, and also I’m sad that James and I won’t get the date night we were expecting, particularly given that it might have been our last chance for a while.  BUT oh well, these things happen, and I didn’t want to plan for some other date just for the sake of having the night to ourselves when I’ve been missing our boy all week.  At this point I’d rather just get him home and spend the evening knowing he’s close to me.  Fingers crossed the cold germs are gone!  It really would be nice to get through the rest of this pregnancy sans cold…

FOUR WEEKS OR LESS and the babies will be here – wow.  Time is starting to feel like it’s going by kind of fast.  In one month I will no longer be pregnant, and I will have 2 babies.  That’s so crazy!  So much change in so little time, I really have to brace myself for this!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

I wish I knew when and how this will all play out...

Every now and then the past several days at least I’ll get these ever so slight period-type cramps, but they only last for a few seconds.  It’s barely uncomfortable, but noticeable.  It freaks me out because I don’t want labour to be TOO imminent.  I reeeeally want to bake these babies a little while yet! 

It’s so hard to say what it is when I experience certain twitches and pains.  I usually figure it has got to be the stretching that’s taking place.  In the past 2 weeks tops I have ‘finally’ started to get new stretch marks, which means the belly is definitely stretching beyond its means now!  Before I just had my ‘old’ battle wounds from my pregnancy with Andrew, and those stretch marks are much lighter…I knew I was getting new ones when I was getting dressed recently and Andrew came up and started counting lines on my belly!  LOL  NICE.

I guess in part I’m paranoid – the OB said ‘these babies could ultimately come any time now!’ and I’ve taken that to heart.  However, I’m also trying to remind myself that she also said it’s quite likely they’ll stay in a while yet…The not knowing is just too much suspense for this person who isn’t the most spontaneous in the world!!

I’m also wondering if my water will break on its own this time.  With Andrew, it wasn’t till I was in active labour that my midwife eventually asked if I wanted it broken or if I wanted to just wait till it happened on its own.  Waiting meant a longer labour so I said go ahead and break em!  10 minutes later, Andrew was born, it totally led me to the pushing stage IMMEDIATELY.  So it seems weird to me that my waters could break before I even go into labour.  I wish labours were the same or very similar each time so I’d know ahead of time what to expect!  I know the intensity of the pain I can expect, but I don’t have a clue how it’s all going to start or really what the experience will be like.  I’m scared of how medicalized a twin birth experience tends to be, too.  And how far away we are from the hospital.  I’m trying not to be too worried because what will be will be, and ultimately the babies will be born one way or another!  It’s just hard not to let my mind go there, knowing the labour is looming close by…

I miss this kid, can you really blame me?!

I’ve officially been away from Andrew longer than I ever have in his entire life.  And I’m not liking it one bit!

On Tuesday he went to his Nana’s for the day.  He was meant to come home that night with James after work, but he suddenly came down with a bad cold by early in the afternoon.  My mil suggested he spend the night at her place in hopes it would be a short bug and he’d be feeling better on Wednesday.  The idea being that I should avoid the germs, since getting a cold is really one of the last things I need right now.  I was a bit upset because as soon as I knew he wasn’t coming home I was missing him like crazy, but I agreed that it would probably be for the best.

Well, he still had the cold on Wednesday and it wasn’t really showing much sign of improvement.  He’s been in good spirits the whole time – he’s never really let a cold bother him in terms of energy level or his mood.  He breezes through, although generally speaking he does tend to infect those around him, particularly me!  I think he MAY have had one cold in his life that I didn’t end up getting, but otherwise I’ve always got what he gets (and it DOES affect my energy level and mood!!) because I can’t not continue being close to him when he’s sick, which means still giving him cuddles and kisses.

I was very reluctant about it, but I was urged by James and my mil to let him stay again last night because he might be better by today and therefore I’d be avoiding the germs.  I wanted him to come home last night, but I ok’d him staying on because of the logistics of today.  If he’d come home, I’d have been really run-down today, because I would have had him all on my own the whole day and evening, as James had a dinner obligation tonight, and my mom had an appointment this afternoon, so I would have had no help.  Sadly, it’s quite challenging for me at this point to not have any help whatsoever for the entire day, or at the very least if I’m on my own all day James tries to get home before 6:30 so I can have a rest if I need to after dinner.  So it made sense to let him stay again last night, even though I was missing him so much I wanted to cry.

The thing is, I’ve never been away from him longer than 2 nights in a row.  And while perhaps you might be thinking I’m too attached, given he’s over 3 ½ now, that’s just the way it is and I personally wouldn’t have it any other way!  The other thing is, I WOULD be ok with being away from him for longer than two nights IF IT WAS PLANNED OUT THAT WAY IN ADVANCE because then I’d have had the time to wrap my head around the fact that I wouldn’t be seeing him.  If, say, James and I were going on a vacation somewhere for a week and had planned for him to be with someone, well okay then, yes I’d DEFINITELY miss his presence, but it would be an easier adjustment because it had been planned.  This not being planned is killing me.

Because now it looks like I won’t be seeing my boy till SATURDAY.  Which means 4 nights, double the amount I’ve ever been apart from him before!  AND he’s had a cold the whole time, and as his mother I feel like I should be the one doting on him and making him feel cozy and loved and better.  I feel so bad not being there for him, even if he IS breezing through the cold, and really it’s just me missing him, I can’t help but feel like I’m the one who should be with him!

But again the logistics…the original plan had been for him to sleep over at the mil’s tomorrow night because James and I got tickets for a show that can’t be refunded, and that we REALLY want to go to because let’s face it, when will we have the opportunity again for quite some time once the twins arrive?!  So it didn’t make a whole lot of sense for him to come home tonight, and then go back to her place tomorrow for another sleepover.  It would probably confuse him and he’d be upset as to why he had to go back when he just got home, whereas this way, if he just stays on he’s not as fussy about it.

He seems to be OK with staying there, because the way the mil explained it to him was that we have to keep Mommy healthy for the babies’ sake, and he is such an empathetic little boy that he actually GETS that, and WANTS to do his part to keep Mommy and the babies well.  Which tears at my heart strings, because how sweet is that?!  I, on the other hand, feel like risking getting the cold even though I obviously don’t want one, because I want to see him that desperately.

I just talked to him and he sounded plugged up but happy enough…although he wants to come home tomorrow, so we’ll see what ends up happening.  It’s crazy how hard it is to be apart like this – it’s just the timing of it, I guess.  We don’t have much longer till the babies arrive, so my time with ‘just Andrew’ is so limited to begin with, and I’m spending all this time apart from him?!  It just doesn’t seem right.  Truthfully, at this point, Saturday morning when he comes home just can’t come soon enough!

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