Sunday, August 12, 2012

It's been 10 months...


I’ve been thinking about my miscarriage recently.  It seems silly to me that it’s on my mind, when I’ve got 2 healthy baby girls gestating inside me right now.  There should be no reason to be dwelling on that loss, especially since if I hadn’t suffered it, I wouldn’t have these 2 girls to look forward to.

As well as reading blogs about twin pregnancies and raising twins, I’ve started watching vlogs on youtube.  I find it interesting to hear what other women have been through, seeing their progression through pregnancy, and getting an idea of what to expect once the twins arrive.  It turned out that one woman’s journey I was following, involved having had a miscarriage previous to getting pregnant with her twins (who also happened to be 2 girls).  Her story was very different from mine – her miscarriage was her first pregnancy, and it was a long haul as they’d struggled for years to get pregnant and went through a lot of medical stuff to get there.  I know I must consider myself VERY lucky, because my first pregnancy happened as soon as I wanted it to, without any complications, and resulted in Andrew (aka perfection!)  My 2nd pregnancy was my miscarriage and was a horrible experience, but I’d gotten pregnant naturally, as soon as I’d wanted to…and even though I was struggling big time emotionally in the months following the loss, I got pregnant with the twins 4 months later.  I know it could have been a whole lot worse.

At the same time, I know it’s all relative to one’s own situation.  Something that hit me when watching this particular vlog about this woman’s miscarriage was when she said that it had been 2 years since it happened, and she had her twin girls, yet she still yearned for the baby that she lost.  It didn’t mean she wasn’t ecstatic to have her two girls, and ultimately she wouldn’t change anything because how could she go back and not have her daughters.  But still…the loss could not be denied, she still felt it, and almost as if it had just happened.  That really resonated with me.  I couldn’t possibly go back in time and not have my baby girls to look forward to, I couldn’t imagine it…but at the same time, I can’t get over the sadness I feel about losing that baby last October.  Yesterday (the 11th) marked 10 months since it happened.  Obviously I’m doing so much better coping with it now than I was in the beginning, although of course that’s largely due to the fact that I’m just a few months away from meeting our two precious girls.  I have so much to be looking forward to, and so much to live for that I can’t dwell on the loss in the same way I did when it was still really fresh in my mind.  At the same time, it still does feel quite fresh in my mind.  I do try my hardest to push the images away when they creep in, especially when I close my eyes to go to sleep, because I don’t want that pattern to continue, where I’m going over that in my head when I’m trying to get some rest.  It’s not healthy, and it doesn’t change what happened.  I just don’t know how to get closure.  I still don’t think closure is even possible.

I’m OK, I’m not dwelling on it in the sense that it’s making me cry or putting a huge damper on my day – I haven’t even talked to James about it because I don’t see a point to it.  He knows I think about it often enough because I’ve told him as much, and there are times when I’ll bring it up and talk a bit about how it still affects me.  It’s not that I’m hiding anything by not talking about it now, but even this post…While I felt compelled to write it out, it’s not like it’s really doing anything for me to put this out there.  I lost that baby, and I will never, ever have an answer to why.  I will gain 2 daughters, which is literally more than I ever could have hoped for!!  And I’m happy about that and feel so lucky, and I feel that because of my experience losing a baby, I will be that much more loving toward my children because I think every single day how I can’t take them for granted.  Still, though, I can’t help but continue to wonder WHY that had to happen to me, and I can’t help but continue to wonder WHAT WENT WRONG.  Would I be more OK with it if I was able to have a concrete answer as to what went wrong?  Would I not be as obsessed with it if I hadn’t had the horrible experience I did when the loss actually happened?  I can’t even answer those questions.  I’m a person who NEEDS answers, it drives me insane when I can’t come up with an answer!  I remind myself often what my doctor said to me, that I HAVE to work at moving past that, because I CAN’T ever get answers to this and that’s all there is to it.  END OF.  Not possible.  It’s just hard to wrap my head around that, even now.

I think about that baby every single day, but most days I don’t get too wrapped up in thinking about it.  I can remember without it completely taking over.  I think the past few days it has been more present in my mind because of the vlogs I’ve been watching, and also because I recently looked through the baby book of a family member who’s daughter gave birth to her son on May 2nd, which was my due date with our Baby#2.  So it just sort of hit home that we’d have a 3 month old right now if everything had stayed on the path I had thought we were taking.  It’s a very weird mix of emotions to say that I’m ‘glad’ things went the way they did because now knowing I’ve got twin girls I seriously wouldn’t want it any other way…yet at the same time, a part of me resents the world for making me go through what I did losing that baby.  The girls could not exist if not for the pain of that loss, so I have to be accepting of the pain.  I guess I’m just still getting used to it.

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