This is really happening, isn't it?
The past few nights I’ve noticed I become really anxious in the evenings. Maybe anxious isn’t the right word, more…agitated, maybe? Emotional? Not till later at night, when most people would probably just say enough’s enough and go to bed and try to sleep it off. The problem I’m having is that sleep is harder than ever for me. I’m never good at sleeping, but with my giant belly, I have to be so conscious each time I roll over, and the babies kick up a fuss every time I move, as well as when I don’t move, the heart burn kicks up a notch when I’m laying down…Nothing seems conducive to sleep. So even more than my usual, I procrastinate going to bed and stay up late and become my own worst enemy!
It’s actually not nearly as bad as it sounds. I was just a bit weepy a couple of nights ago later in the evening, and since crying isn’t my ‘thing’, it felt like I was on a crazy emotional rollercoaster when really it was probably a lot less bumpy than that. Then last night I got a case of the blahs later on, and tonight I’m feeling it again. I wonder if it’s hormones or what?
I had a sudden realization today that is an obvious one, but nonetheless one that hit me in the face HARD. We are going to have twin baby girls in 16 weeks or less. Most likely less, possibly in around 12 weeks. THAT FREAKS ME OUT. I am sooooo excited about having our twins and so happy and in some ways can’t wait to welcome them into the world and get to know them and start our new life together. BUT…at the same time? Soooooooooooooooo not ready. Like as in not in the least bit ready. I am getting high anxiety at the mere thought of having 2 babies and Andrew to look after. Did I already say IT’S FREAKING ME RIGHT OUT???!!! Well, it is.
I know it’s what I want, and even though it’s INSANE, I think having twins is going to be such an incredible experience. Like I’ve said numerous times, I feel SO LUCKY that I get to have 2 more babies at the same time! Wow! But…I’M GOING TO HAVE 2 BABIES AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!! That’s scary, right?! Everyone says, ‘I’m glad I’m not them’ when they hear about someone having twins – and they say it for a reason! One baby is A LOT to handle…Two? I’m going to need to grow at least 2 extra arms, preferably more. It’s going to be crazy! I’M going to be crazy!
Any amount of freedom I have gained through Andrew being a little older and getting slightly more self-sufficient in little ways – all of that freedom goes out the window as soon as I go into labour with these twins. I am gaining so much and it’s TOTALLY ALL GOING TO BE WORTH IT – and I know that – but there’s that little part of me, that anxious part, that’s nagging at me late at night saying that I am also losing stuff, and it’s mostly free time…I know that sounds totally selfish and awful I’m sure. I wanted to have another baby MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD – after losing our last baby, all I did was obsess over getting pregnant again, and it seems only fitting now that I ended up getting more than I bargained for with TWINS! But it’s still overwhelming me in some ways, and I can’t help it. I think it’s normal, I imagine even if it was ‘just’ one more baby, I’d be feeling it to a certain extent, because even ONE more baby would create enough chaos (good chaos, but still chaos!) to take away any ounce of freedom I’ve become used to over the past little while. It’s just the way it goes when you have a new baby.
I just have concerns over how much more difficult it will be with twins. We will have 3 children. No one’s ever going to want to help us out and look after ALL THREE KIDS AT ONCE so we can have a moment of peace. I feel like I will never spend time alone with James again, because logistically it won’t work out! At least not for years. I’m worried about stupid little things that I KNOW we will figure out somehow, but I just get my head bogged down by these thoughts of OMG WHAT ARE WE GETTING OURSELVES INTO.
On the other hand, I know I have to remember what’s most important. If I wasn’t having twins, I wouldn’t be experiencing this amazing feeling of having two babies grow inside of me. I love my baby girls so much already! And if I wasn’t pregnant, I’d be wishing I was. If we chose to only have one child, I’d always regret not having had another. When we have our girls, our lives will be turned upside down, but then it will go right side up faster than we can blink because it will be our new sense of reality and we will make it work. And I love that James and I are going to be parents to our sweet boy AND 2 girls, WOW, we really ARE very lucky! I know it’s going to be amazing, despite the challenging aspects of it. We will get into a routine in time. I don’t know what I’d really be doing with my time, anyway, I mean – what could possibly be better than being in the thick of raising my beautiful babies? It’s going to be the most memorable time of my life, and I want to just enjoy that. It’s just a lot to absorb I guess…How such a short time from now, my life is going to change more than I could have thought imaginable. How could that NOT seem overwhelming at times?!