Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Ongoing exhaustion


Yesterday I spent several hours just sitting outside in the comfy chair, and Andrew either played outside while I sat, or watched shows inside.  He ended up falling asleep around 4:30pm, and I picked him up and held him with me in the chair for some quiet cuddle time.  It was so nice having that time with him, since he’s not such a baby anymore and really only wants to cuddle when he’s tired or asleep.

I really wanted to go for an outing so I texted James and suggested we have a picnic in the park for dinner, and that way he could get Andrew active on the playground so he wouldn’t stay up too late with having napped.  James thought that was a great idea, so once I finally managed to wake Andrew up, I got a picnic supper together.

Andrew wanted desperately to go for a bike ride, so the boys rode to the park and I drove over.  All I did was carrying our picnic and blanket and stuff a few feet from the car to the grass by the playground and set it up, and I was beat.  We ate, the boys played, and I ended up sitting on a bench.  I felt like a man with a big beer belly, because of the way I had to sit to be the least bit comfortable.  With the girth of my belly and everything, my legs seemed to drift apart from each other, and I suddenly realized why bigger men (and women too, I’m sure, I just tend to notice it more with men) tend to sit with their legs so far apart.  I just felt kind of…I don’t know what…Giant and exhausted.  I don’t want to say I was disgusted with myself because I’m pregnant with 2 babies so I’m naturally going to be on the bigger side as a result – and I’ve really only gained weight in my belly!  What’s bothering me isn’t how I look, because I love my baby belly.  It’s how I feel.

I told James last night, I don’t WANT to complain all the time.  I love being pregnant with our twins, I’m so excited, and when I see my baby belly I smile because it reminds me that we were able to conceive again, and we’re having a successful pregnancy, with two beautiful baby girls.  I am so lucky, and I FEEL lucky!  But the tiredness is seriously taking its toll on me.  And the aches and pains that go along with having an extra large belly due to an extra baby being squished in there.

If I was right near the end of the pregnancy, well, OK, it might not seem like too much to deal with.  But the fact is, I am 23 wks 2 days pregnant.  I know most twin pregnancies don’t go to the full length of 40 weeks – but I have to hope to AT LEAST make it to 36 weeks to be considered full term – and preferably a little longer than that (38 weeks would be ideal) because the longer the girls stay inside, the healthier and better off they will be once they are born.  That puts me at being pregnant for another 15 weeks.  17 if I was to go to 40 weeks.

It just doesn’t seem realistic  that I could go through this for another almost-4 months.  I’m certainly NOT wishing my pregnancy away, because it’s going to be emotional when the twins are born and the reality hits that I will NEVER be pregnant again.  By choice – obviously given I had only planned on 2 kids, having 3 is my absolute LIMIT.  But still…I have a feeling this is going to be an emotional issue for me.  Which is why I’ve been trying to focus on just enjoying being pregnant, and a lot of the time I do feel that I’m enjoying it.  There are many wonderful aspects to being pregnant, and I don’t take those for granted.  Especially after what happened to me last fall, I feel I’m more appreciative of getting to have this experience – and with twins no less, while I’m not religious I do feel like I’ve been blessed with this gift of two babies.

I just wish I didn’t feel so tired all the time.  It seems to be getting worse rather than better, and I imagine it’s the result of how big I’m getting, and how much my belly is debilitating my ability to do things.  I can’t lean forward easily, my back aches every time I go from sitting or lying down to standing, etc etc.  The heartburn is KILLER, and I have it at least ¾ out of every single day.

I barely do anything at all and I feel winded and exhausted and in need of a nap – but I can’t get comfortable in any laying down position, so sleep doesn’t come easily even when I’m completely wiped out.

I don’t want to sound like a whiner, it’s just hard sometimes, and I get a case of the blahs every now and then because there’s so much I wish I could be doing, but I just can’t.  I can’t even push myself to do things, because I’m too tired, I can’t even force myself to do things!   Not that I should – I know I have to listen to my body and not do more than I can handle.  The babies are clearly thriving, and ultimately that’s the main thing.  I just wish I had more energy, so I could be making more of this time before the twins arrive.

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