Friday, June 29, 2012

A pissy post because that's how I feel


Tonight just kind of went from bad to worse.  It started off not too badly, I was happy with how ¾ of the day went!  But tonight…sucked.

I over did it today so I was feeling sore and tired and I think that contributed to me getting sort of weepy.  I’m sure it’s pregnancy hormones and might have happened regardless of the situation.  I don’t tend to get weepy often AT ALL, I just tend to never cry, so when it hits me over the head and I get all teary and can’t stop crying, it really bugs me.  I don’t have issues with crying, as in, I don’t think it makes a person weaker or anything.  It’s good to have a cry every now and then!  But I just hate doing it, it’s not my thing.  I get frustrated by all the tears and snot and trying to clear my throat.  So then I just start to feel sort of annoyed and not just sad!  It’s easier to just not cry.

I think it has got to be hormones because otherwise I’d be able to better control it.

Anyway, so I sent a message to James just letting him know I’d got the stroller and car seats out of their boxes and it was all over the living room in pieces but I wasn’t feeling well enough to put it all together after doing a bit too much today already.  He informed me he was going out for drinks with his work buddies, which, fair enough, as a lot of people were having their last day today as contracts were ending (not James', but a lot of his cronies).  It was bad timing for me, yes, but I wasn’t MAD that he was going out insofar as I understood WHY it was happening tonight.  (Although it would have been nice to have had a little advanced warning as opposed to none whatsoever).  (And as a side note, despite how tired I was, I put the frigging stroller together myself, because let's face it, otherwise it wouldn't get done).

Mostly I was disappointed because I’d dropped Andrew off at my parents’ at my mom’s suggestion, so I could maybe get some rest and then have the evening with James.  But if he was getting home around 8, it would basically coincide with Andrew’s return home, which would then coincide with me getting the boy settled for sleeping.  Which means no time for the two of us.  I was disappointed since it could have been a fun night together, but instead I was alone, and then on my own with the boy.  Not that I mind being alone, OR on my own with my boy!  But…I guess you could say I was just feeling sorry for myself tonight.

Then at 7:30 James calls to say he’s having SUCH A GREAT TIME WITH HIS WORK FRIENDS…and then asks if I’m OK with him getting home more like 10pm instead of 8.  As if I’m going to say no, please come home, I’d rather you were here with miserable ol’ pregnant-with-two-babies-and-unable-to-do-much-of-anything lonely me.  What was I supposed to say right?!  Well, now it looks like another hour till he gets home, so basically he will get in and has to go to bed right away because Andrew will be waking him up by 6am most likely.  I REALLY hope for all our sakes he didn’t have too much to drink (he rarely drinks these days so a few drinks could cause a hangover for sure) because if he’s hung over and headachey in the morning I just might blow a gasket.  Because then I feel like I’ll have to compensate for his not feeling well from booze, when I really don’t think I should have to do that.  I’m a little pissed…off, not drunk obviously!!

You know when you’re just in a pissy mood and even though you’re sort of OK with what your partner chose to do, or at the very least you get why they did it, it's really 'no big deal', you’re just NOT HAPPY and there’s nothing you can do about it?  I’m at that point where I just don’t feel like chatting AT ALL when he gets in.  Call me a total bitch here if you want to (although if you do I might have a thing or two to say back, as I’m snarky AND PREGNANT X 2 so you might not want to mess with me, just sayin’) – but I’m at that point where it’s too late – don’t talk to me, I don’t feel like hearing about your wonderful evening.  Know what I mean?  I FEEL like a total bitch just saying that, but we’ve all felt it at some time or another, I’m quite sure of it.  It’s just the way it goes sometimes.

I don’t begrudge James having a good time with some friends, not at all.  It would probably help to give a little back info, which would be the fact that for the past month at least, James has had NO TIME for me whatsoever.  Me saying goodnight and chatting with him for about 15 minutes before he goes to sleep at night is NOT us spending time together.  Basically work has been so busy for him that he comes home, usually a little later than usual, and then when we finish dinner he works till he’s ready to go to bed, and if he DOES stay up a bit longer than after he stops working, he usually watches a show on Netflix that he’s hooked on that I’m not hooked on, so I do my own thing.  I feel like we never really spend much time together, yet (and this is the clincher for me) when it’s other people who ask him to do something, he somehow manages to not have to work overtime that day.  Know what I mean?  He would argue otherwise, I’m sure, but it’s the way I feel.  There is a little more to it than that with some upcoming plans he has that also surprise surprise having nothing to do with me and add it all up, I just feel pissed the hell off. 

I guess I look at it that in a few months, my whole world will just be babies and kid, and that’s the way it’ll be for some time.  Yes, it’s what I want – obviously having another baby (that turned out to be babies!) is what I wanted more than anything, it’s my choice for this to be my situation.  But at the same time, THIS is the time when I feel like I, too, should be doing stuff and having a little fun, but my life is so fucking routine all the time, and I don’t feel like there is much opportunity for anything else.  It’s partly just that I’m so freaking tired and can’t do a whole helluva lot ANYWAY…but really…Maybe it’s just all the over time and inability to really help me out as much as I could have used this past month because of work…I did my best to basically never really complain about it…TILL NOW…

Things are fine, James and my relationship is solid, he’ll sense how angry I am and do something to try to make it up to me and blah blah blah.  I just feel like crap tonight.  Reminds me of ‘Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day’ – one of Andrew’s favourite current books. 

Some days are just like that.  Even in Australia.  And Burnaby, as it happens.

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