Thursday, June 14, 2012

Changes...


I’ve noticed a huge (no pun intended) difference in the babies growth (and therefore my growth) in the past week.  I don’t know how noticeable it would seem in a picture (I’ve kind of looked ‘big’ in the belly for a while now) but it sure feels like the babies are getting huge!  I know they’re tiny in comparison to how they’ll be even several weeks from now, but I just have such a ‘full’ feeling already.

I want to just enjoy this time, and part of me is loving it.  It’s kind of crazy, because being pregnant is so all over the place given all the symptoms and side effects and constantly changing issues.  Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in all of that, especially for someone who seems to be affected by it all.  (I’ll never understand those people who claim they ‘didn’t know they were pregnant’ or people who just breeze through a pregnancy as if it was nothing whatsoever).  I think I’m in a bit of a caught-up-in-all-of-that phase at the moment, but at the same time I really DO love certain aspects of being pregnant.  It’s such a magical thing, knowing I am growing two babies inside me, and they’re such a part of me already, even though I don’t actually ‘know’ them yet.  I love having a pregnant belly, I feel good in my pregnant body.  Better than I do in my non-pregnant body (which is something I really want to work on once the babies are born, because I refuse to go through the rest of my life thinking lesser of my body since it will never be pregnant again!)

But as much as I DO love being pregnant, I’m just finding it overwhelming how much it’s taking it’s toll on me this early on.  I know it’s because there are two in there – from everyone I’ve talked to in the multiples group I’m in, what I’m feeling and going through is all very normal in a double pregnancy.  But WOW, I feel like it’s knocking my socks off (hypothetically speaking, if I were wearing socks!)  I’m already starting to feel a sort of windedness, like I’m partially out of breath sometimes, even when I’m doing absolutely nothing.  It’s because there’s already that much more pressing on my insides, and I know it’s normal, but it’s still something that debilitates me.  I feel really tired, more tired than I was during the 2nd trimester with Andrew, that’s for sure.  I’m going to look for a liquid iron supplement today because I’m wondering if it could in part be an iron issue, since anemia is much more common in a multiple pregnancy.  I managed to keep a multi-vitamin down the other day, but otherwise every time I take them I throw up, so hopefully a liquid supplement (at least for iron) won’t bother me as much (it didn’t during my first pregnancy).

The tiredness is the worst part, really.  Mainly because I’ve got Andrew to think about.  He’s at his Nana’s today, but most of the time he’s with me.  Yes, we do go over to my mom’s a fair bit for a few hours here or there and it’s helpful, but…there’s so much more I want to be doing with him.  I don’t like how I’m SO TIRED all the time.  I don’t like how I don’t have the energy to take him to the park as much as I’d like (not that we could go much more than we have been lately, anyway, given the crummy weather we’ve been having).  He’s happy as a clam and goes with the flow and I know this is his sense of ‘normal’ so he’s not questioning what we’re doing (or, what we’re not doing) but still.  I want to be able to provide so much enrichment in his life, and while I do that to some degree, it’s not to the degree I could do it if I wasn’t so tired.  And once the babies are here I feel like everything will be total chaos.  I’ll be waaaaay more exhausted than I am now.  And James can only be home for a little under 2 weeks on PAID ‘vacation’ (which won’t be a vacation at all!) – if he stays home any longer than that, it’ll be unpaid.  We can’t afford for him to be unpaid, so as far as I’m concerned he’ll be with me for a week and a half and that’s it.  I’m totally stressed about that.  With Andrew, he was able to get a full month off (different company, different circumstances). 

I know having my mom close by will be awesome – since my parents lived in Nanaimo when Andrew was born so they were only over for a few days at a time here and there.  But she doesn’t have access to a car during the day, so I’m wondering about the logistics of me having to pile 2 babies and a child into the van just to go pick her up to get her over if I’m needing help.  That in itself can take like an hour to do, just getting 3 kids sorted to go into the car!  How insane is that!

And then there’s my mil, who wants to be helpful and I’ll know she’ll want to get right in there and take charge to ‘help’ but unfortunately because of who she is and how she affects me, it would likely (no, definitely) be a lot more stressful for me to have her ‘help’ than to just be on my own.  It’s sad, but true, it’s just the way it is.  Not saying she won’t be helpful – particularly if she takes Andrew like she does now, but let’s face it, she’ll want to be spending time with the babies, too, and I worry about how it’s going to affect me because the way we do things right now is I only spend time with her when James is present.

I also am a person who doesn’t like to ask for help, I have a REALLY hard time asking for help.  I don’t like people having to help me because I feel like I owe them or it will come back to haunt me what they did for me (at least with certain people) and also I just like to do things myself, my way.  I’m fairly private so it’s just really hard for me to have other people take control of things I generally have control of, if that makes sense.  I know I’m going to NEED help – 2 babies, all the breastfeeding and pumping of milk I’m going to have to do, trying to also spend time with Andrew so he’s not feeling like he’s been replaced because it kills me that he will be feeling left out or tossed aside, since I would NEVER EVER want him to feel that way.   I have no idea where I’ll find the time to maintain the house and cook meals, get all the laundry done – I will HAVE to get SOME sleep, or I’ll die!  I know I’ll be in survival mode for some time, and getting an hour here and an hour there of sleep, but I don’t know how I’m going to keep up.  It’s so different when you’re having your first, because as exhausting as it is, at least you CAN rest when they do, if you need to.  It would be hard with one baby and Andrew because he’d want my attention when the baby sleeps, so I still wouldn’t have much time to find rest, but with TWO babies and Andrew…I don’t know how I’ll even have time to go use the bathroom, let alone get dressed, eat, look after myself AT ALL, let alone all 3 kids!

I know I’ll do it somehow, and I know over time we’ll get into some sort of pattern and it will all work out.  I know people do this every day and people have even more kids than I’m going to have, and still manage to do it all and then some.  But maybe this is the way I’m feeling because I never imagined myself with 3 kids?  Like as in, NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS did I imagine myself with 3 kids.  I’m happy about the twins, over the moon in love with them both, I will never, ever resent either one of them because I couldn’t do anything but love my children – all of them – unconditionally, forever.  I’m just overwhelmed with the idea of it all, and what the reality of it is going to mean.  How much our lives our going to change, more so than if we were having just one more child.  I can’t not have twins now because if I lost one, I’d never get over the devastation of that.  So I’M HAVING 3 KIDS and that’s just how it was meant to be.  But it’s a lot to wrap my head around, and I just can’t quite envision how it’s all going to play out without me going clinically insane!

I’m happy, I’m excited, I can hardly wait to meet our new additions and see Andrew in his big brother role and there are so many wonderful things to look forward to.  But with that comes to mind the word OVERWHELMING, and as much time as I’ve had to let it sink in what’s happening, that word (and feeling) never seems to quite fade away…

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