Issues that arise

I’m really grateful to have found an online multiples group to join, so I can learn from other women who are going through the same things as me, or have already been at the stage in pregnancy I’m in now.  It really is a different ball game when you’ve got more than one in there.

The main group I’m in is a ‘secret’ group – no one but those in the group can access it.  Mainly because most people join before they’re actually wanting to share their news ‘publicly’.  Anyway, unfortunately most of the women are in central Canada, a few others are from BC but not in the Vancouver area.  I’m going to do some more research and see if I can find a group closer to home so we might be able to have some in-person meet-ups.  

The pros outweigh the cons of joining the group, but of course with the good comes the bad, too.  And I’m finding that aspect of it rather unfortunate.  Just as it’s sometimes advised not to Google certain things when you’re going through a particular situation, due to the sheer volume of information you might be better off NOT reading, I’m finding the same thing happening in this group.  One woman found out very far along (over 30 weeks) that overnight one of her babies had stopped breathing in the womb, had to have an emergency c-section, and one of the babies was born stillborn.  Another found out at her anatomy scan (19 weeks) that one of her babies had miscarried many weeks earlier, but was still in the womb.  It’s these stories that totally freak me out.  I know these things can and do happen, and what stresses me out is knowing that it really can happen to anyone.  I know from experience that I’m not immune.

I’m trying to focus on the positive, and for the most part that has been going really well.  But when I hear that the worst case scenario has become someone else’s reality, I really start to get anxious that I could share a similar story.  I honestly don’t know how I would manage it.  I took my miscarriage SO hard, it still makes me feel sad often.  I can control it, but it never goes away.  Not a day goes by that it’s not on my mind.  I have it set in my mind that I’m having twins, and then I start worrying, what if it doesn’t work out that way?  I know it’s completely beyond my control, but it’s so hard not to get worked up about it sometimes.

Luckily I have the at-home Doppler, which I’d recommend to any pregnant woman who feels the need for extra reassurance that things are going well.  Of course, that can be a negative too, if the babies aren’t cooperating or you’re not sure you’re detecting both heart beats etc.   It can cause more stress than reassurance!  But so far I’m going to say the Doppler has been good to me.  I just listened to the babies a little while ago, and I’m quite sure I was able to hear both of them, along with a lot of flailing limbs hitting the Doppler!

There’s no reason for me to assume things will go badly, and I know that.  I’m grateful that I was able to find out I’m carrying twins when I did, so we could try to be as prepared as anyone can be with such news.  But sometimes I wonder if we’d be better off if we DIDN’T have things like ultrasound and Dopplers.  I wonder how much more or less women worried about their babies in the womb previous to all the latest technology?  I’m sure they DID worry, it’s only natural to be concerned if you’re really wanting your pregnancy to work out.  But I sometimes wonder how much added stress and worry there is because of everything we’re able to know so early on.

I can’t deny that I have my bouts of anxiety, mostly because of what happened to me before, I guess it’s a bit of an insecurity.  Which I’m sure is normal.  But all that being said, I have to say that this is also a really incredibly amazing, magical time for me.  I have to admit that there’s a part of me that feels like I’m at my happiest when I’m growing a baby (or in this case babies!) inside of me.  It just feels so exciting, the anticipation, knowing that I’ve got these precious little ones growing right there inside me.  I also want to enjoy this as much as I can because I don’t have much longer where it’s just me, James, and Andrew, and I want to soak that in as much as possible, this time we have where it’s just the 3 of us and therefore a lot less chaotic than it’s going to be.  I also want to relish in it because I never want to be pregnant again after this, so I’m realizing that each stage I go through is the last time I’ll ever experience that.  Which is weird…but also good, at least when there are things about each stage that I’m not thrilled about!  Now that I’m past the worst of the nausea (or at least I hope I am!) it’s a lot easier to just sit back and enjoy the process.  The worries creep up every now and then, but I believe that my babies are strong, and I’ll do everything within my power to keep them that way!


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