Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Every experience leads us down a new path


I’m forever wishing I had an answer for why I lost our Baby#2.  I don’t dwell on it often, because I know it only makes me crazy when I do.  I will never know why it happened, and I still have to work more on wrapping my head around that fact. 

When I found out that we’re pregnant with twins this time around, I thought, well maybe it had to happen because I was meant to have twins for some reason.  What that reason actually is, I don’t know as of yet, but that could be it.  Now I’m considering how losing that baby has helped me in this pregnancy.  Because of that loss, I was referred to an OB/GYN.  A really good one (even my midwife from my pregnancy with Andrew gave her high regards, which I think is a GREAT sign since my midwife is all about natural birth practices).  Because of that referral and the fact that it wasn’t long before getting pregnant again (with the twins) that I’d been at that clinic, I had an ‘in’ there that I’d otherwise have not had.  For example, BC Women’s is probably the best hospital in BC to deliver babies that might need extra care, such as multiples.  You have to have a Vancouver address to deliver there, BUT because I was referred to this particular OB who only delivers there, I am an exception to that rule.  If I hadn’t had that miscarriage, I wouldn’t have got that ‘in’, and if I hadn’t got that in, I would be delivering at a much less equipped hospital.

Of course, it’s kind of a moot point, I realize, because if I hadn’t lost that pregnancy, it would have been a singleton, and I’d have had a midwife, and I wouldn’t have needed an OB, I would have had my midwife help me deliver the baby.  So I guess it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to create a reason for what happened out of this…

At the same time, I feel like at least I can look at it that it didn’t happen ALL for naught.  I wish it hadn’t happened still, but I’m also grateful and excited for the twins.  So in order to have these two, I unfortunately had to say goodbye to that one.  And that one helped me to be better prepared for these two…in some ways.  So I guess I’m just saying that I am so grateful to that baby I lost.  Not by ANY means grateful that I lost him or her, but just grateful to him or her for giving me this opportunity I have now, which is to get two bundles of joy at once!  When I otherwise never would have strived to have 3 kids!  I wish I didn’t have to carry the sadness from the loss.  Some days are easier, but on other days it feels like an incredible burden to have to bear, and I’m not trying to be dramatic, it’s the truth.  But I wish I could let that baby know that he or she was a miracle, even if they weren’t able to stay here with me.  Although in the spiritual sense, I know they will always be close.

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