Saturday, May 12, 2012

A dream post (and then I'll sleep)

Last night (technically this morning since I had it just before I got up for the day) I had a really horrible nightmare.  Pregnancy hormones are known to cause vivid dreams, and I’ve definitely had my share of crazy ones.  This particular one left me so emotional that within a minute of waking from it, I found myself crying!  Which is crazy for me, since I so rarely cry to begin with.

In the dream, I was VERY angry, and having an impossible time controlling my anger.  I was throwing things and just generally miserable with my life.  In the dream I wasn’t pregnant, it was just me, James, and Andrew.  I finally took James aside and told him that I loved him and Andrew, but I was leaving them.  I felt I needed to ‘find myself’ and I couldn’t do that while living with them.  I told him it was a really hard decision, but that ultimately I’d made up my mind, and I was going.  There was nothing he could do to stop me.  I needed to discover myself, and I needed to do it alone.  I also wanted time to learn to control my deeply rooted anger.

I gave James a very heartfelt hug, and I was crying, and he was in shock but also very upset, and then I just collected myself and left.  Andrew was asleep so I didn’t even say goodbye to him.  I was out of there.

Then flash forward and it’s several months later and I’m basically living in some sort of shelter, and I have nothing, I’ve lost a ton of weight because I don’t have money for food, I have a job but it doesn’t even matter to me…because ultimately I know deep down all I really want is James and Andrew.  I totally regretted having left them, but I was worried it was too late to take it back, and I was devastated.  I was walking down the street and saw them at a playground across the way, and seeing them getting on with their lives without me totally freaked me out, and I was so worried James would have found someone else to replace me by then.  It was awful.

Then I woke up, and I just felt this immediate sadness.  Even though I knew it wasn’t real, it felt so real at the time, and I hated it.  I can honestly say with 100% certainty, I do not need to go off to discover myself!  I believe we’re all striving to know ourselves better in life, it’s just part of living, and of course I want to better myself as time goes by.  But I don’t have any weird anger issues to sort out…and whatever path I am going down, it’s going to be with my family.  James, Andrew, and BabyA and BabyB!  We’re in it for the long haul!  There is no way I would ever in a zillion trillion years walk out on my family.  It’s not even a possibility.  I can honestly give James a lifetime guarantee.  Actually, I tell him we are together for all eternity, not just this life.  And I mean it!  I couldn’t imagine us not together, ever.  It just wouldn’t be right.  And while he’s done some pretty annoying things a time or two in the span I’ve known him, I KNOW so completely that he truly loves me like I love him, and there’s no way he’d ever cheat on me or do something that would cause me to stop loving him.  I can’t imagine it, at least.  And I know completely I would never do that to him, so we’re solid!

I don’t know why the dream affected me so much.  James loved it, because usually in the morning I like my space – I’m happy to sit in the same room and have a coffee (when I used to drink coffee, although today I did have a decaf) or whatever, but I’m not super affectionate usually in the morning, since I’m not a morning person…But this morning I got up and I gave him a huge hug and told him I loved him, then told him about the dream, which made me all teary again and I was hugging him and wouldn’t stop!  Then when we were having coffee I said we had to sit right beside each other on the couch and I was cuddling up to him.  LOL  I also felt teary watching him and the boy interact, partly because they’re both so adorable, and partly because I felt sad by the image from the dream where I left them – literally abandoned my own child without explanation to him and left him and his dad to fend for themselves.  Watching them, I knew there was no way I could actually do that.  I honestly don’t know how anyone could do that, but that’s just me.

Anyway…thank goodness it was just a dream, and I really don’t read anything into it like Freud might.  I chalk it up to pregnancy hormones.  It just left me sensitive all day to emotional things.  I felt very sentimental.  I love my family more than anything in the entire world, and when it comes right down to it, what else could possibly matter?  Nothing!

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