Thoughts that circle through my head
I haven’t been sleeping all that well. I never sleep all that well, or at least very rarely, but the past couple of nights I just toss and turn for hours. It seems a tad ridiculous that ALREADY I ‘can’t get comfortable’ – but my uterus will seize up if I move too quickly, I worry about trying to sleep on my stomach (which is a habit of mine when not pregnant), I feel little twinges and things and start focusing on them…I KNOW that in the coming weeks I’ll be WISHING my belly was this ‘small’ and I still had the move-ability that I have now! But I am already showing like I’m maybe 4 months pregnant. I will probably look like an elephant by the time I’m 6 months along, given I won’t even be THREE months along for another 3 ½ weeks!!!
I’m totally OK with getting big early this time though. I love seeing that I am pregnant, and I just want to embrace everything about it (minus the sickness, please and thank you!) I love that there are BABIES in there! Although my mind definitely goes in circles thinking about it, and maybe that’s one reason why I’m having more trouble with sleep?
Twins, I mean, seriously! ME, with twins. Okaaaaaaaay. My parents and I were talking about it last night and we agreed there must be a reason for why things happened this way. I do tend to like to believe that there’s a reason for everything (although sometimes for the life of me I can’t figure out what the reasons are…)
I’m terrified about a lot of what it will mean to have twins. We had some friends over on the weekend whose baby is 3 months old, but he’s only just over a pound heavier at 3 months than what Andrew was at birth. Andrew was 8lbs 9oz, and this babe was under 5lbs at birth (born 6 weeks early). Although I desperately hope we are not that early delivering the twins, we have to be prepared that the babies will be around 5.5lbs each TOPS, or at least based on the research I’ve done. The majority of twins are born at least 3-4 weeks earlier than singletons, and weigh an average of 5.5lbs. So it’s going to be a totally different ballgame than what we are used to based on our experience with Andrew. When Andrew was born, within hours of birth when he was cuddled up on my chest, he lifted his head all on his own to look up at his mama. I was amazed at how strong he was from the get go, and he has tended straight through to hit the major milestones sooner than the average. I’m not trying to gloat about it, it’s just the way it worked out. We didn’t think anything of it, it’s just who he was/is and what he did/does. We aren’t the type of parents to push that he has to do things sooner than most kids or anything like that. He has just always been so determined, and I think it helped that he had the strength on his side of having been slightly over-baked in the oven, so from the minute he arrived he was more than ready to do things!
I don’t have a problem with the most likely fact that the twins won’t be able to do things as early, because it’s not a competition, and ultimately it all ends up levelled out in the end – kids catch up, and ultimately who cares when they first sit up on their own, or crawl, or walk, etc? It’s just going to seem strange in the sense of what we became used to with Andrew. At 3 months he could do a lot more than our friends’ baby simply because he was waaaaay bigger. It’s not something that MATTERS, I just mean that it will be a longer process of the babies being very small and more ‘babyish.’ Which will be lovely in the sense that they will get to be babies for longer, and since I never ever want more kids after we’ve got our THREE (!!!), I get to enjoy them that much longer as tiny babes. (You have no idea how thrilled I was to hold our friends’ baby and ooh and aah at his adorable smallness!) It’s just that it’s all going to be so different from what we are used to, and there is going to be DOUBLE of everything.
I think that’s where my biggest fear comes in (after we get through the main big fear as to when they will be born/how premature they’ll be/my concerns around what if my milk doesn’t come in right away like it did with Andrew/having to use a milk bank which kind of freaks me out – will post about this stuff another time)…It’s the logistics of TWO BABIES THE SAME AGE.
James and I were talking about it and yes, OK, we’ll get the family van so outings will be ‘easier’ than they’d be if we were going everywhere by bus. (We’d be a transiting nightmare, both for ourselves AND those around us, I’m sure!!) But what about the logistics of something seemingly simple, like grocery shopping? OK, we somehow can manage to have Andrew walk around the store with us (he’ll be 4 by the time I’d probably venture out with all 3 on my own, so he should be OK with doing that…??!) BUT how many grocery stores have you been to where you can put TWO babies in the cart? They generally have a slot for one baby, not two. Of course, I don’t think smaller newborn/preemie 3 month old babies would even be able to go in those ANYWAY, so it’s a moot point till they’re probably, like, 6 months old anyway. But honestly, I wouldn’t really be able to go get groceries with all 3 kids. Which is fine, we can plan our shops around the days, and when James is home from work I could go and take just one kid with me or whatever…Or, in a perfect world, escape the chaos for that hour and go all alone!! But the point of the matter is that everyday seemingly simple tasks are going to take on a whole new set of complication. Is it wrong of me to worry about such things? I know we’ll fall into a routine and figure out what works for us and it will be our new sense of reality. But it still kind of freaks me out, the total lack of ease ability to just get up and go and do something without having to always consider the logistics of 2 babies and a 3-4 year old. I had already thought ONE new addition would add so much more in the way of challenges, but two at once is…overwhelming.
But then I also get to thinking how magical it will be, and how in some ways awesome it is – here we were planning to create one more life, and we got two. I never would have planned to have 3 kids, but I will have 3, and there’s something quite sweet about that. Another person to love, and as a result way more people being a part of our lives in the years to come, as they get older and have relationships of their own etc. It’s kind of cool how we’re expanding on those things when we otherwise wouldn’t have given ourselves that opportunity. I’m excited about it, I just have to figure out how I’m supposed to wrap my head around what this all means…