Tuesday, April 03, 2012

'Pregnant' and 'sick' just go together for me...


I read through my archives from when I was about as far along with Andrew as I am now, and, yup, the sickness was about the same.  I still feel like somehow this is worse, but maybe it’s just different…or because it’s happening right now, it’s worse because I can’t remember quite how bad it was back then.  Thank gawd it’s something I’ll eventually be able to forget!!  And there is the saving grace that this is the last pregnancy I ever want to have, so I won’t ever have to go through this again!

I’d forgotten that I ended up being hospitalized for half a day during my pregnancy with Andrew, due to extreme dehydration from throwing up non-stop for about 12 hours or more.  So, yeah…What can I say.  I just can’t wait till it tapers off.  I remember trying to stop taking Diclectin (even weaned myself off it slowly, the proper way) but I ended up not being able to, and having to take it till about 36 weeks…And I remember feeling like I could have kept taking it even longer, I just thought I ‘should’ get off it at the time (even though no doctor told me I had to).  So obviously the nausea was there to stay throughout the pregnancy…but at least I have some amount of hope after reading through my journals, because I had some decent days, and some stretches where I was feeling pretty good over all.  I think (I hope) I’m in the thick of the worst part, so several weeks from now I should be starting to feel somewhat better?!  I really want to get this part over with.

I do enjoy some aspects of being pregnant, but more so in the second trimester I think.  It’s hard to enjoy myself much when I feel sick all the time, and the exhaustion is a bit much, too.  But knowing that life is inside of me, growing, and not just one life, but two!  That’s pretty magical.  I think I’ll feel better, too, once we’ve seen them on the next ultrasound and know they’re both thriving.  Seeing their little hearts beating again, and this time getting to see their little arms and legs flailing about.  I remember how amazing it was when we got to see Andrew like that.  I look at his u/s photos now and think, yup, that’s sooo Andrew in there =)  Or reading back on times when he used to kick at me from in there and I think, oh, that’s so HIM to do that at that particular moment!  LOL  I’m looking forward to those things, and once I start to feel their kicks and squirms on a regular basis it will feel even more ‘real.’

Does it seem weird how into this I am already?  I’m ‘only’ 8 weeks + 2 days.  I made it to 11 weeks + 1 day last time, and then lost the baby.  So I know there’s still a chance that things could take a negative turn.  But I just can’t seem to let my mind think along those lines for longer than a fleeting moment here and there.  I feel like I HAVE to be excited, and I HAVE to EXPECT that these babies are here to stay.  I guess it’s a defence mechanism more than anything, but I’m just so not prepared to lose them – or one of them, for that matter.  So I just need to be positive and believe that everything is going right, and that last time really was some sort of weird fluke that for some reason had to happen.  Had to happen so I’d end up with twins?!  It’s a weird twist of fate, that’s for sure.

I just found out that a (distant, not actually related) family member is pregnant and due in 4 weeks…Which is exactly when I should have been giving birth to our baby #2.  I’m happy for her, but have to admit, hearing her due date gave my heart a pang, like whooooa, that might have been MY due date.  I’m just soooooooo happy that I’m pregnant again, and have that hope alive again, because if I wasn’t and was still wondering all the ifs and whens of pregnancy, I’d quite possibly have gone completely insane by now.  I still have flashbacks on a regular basis to what happened October 11th.  I wonder when those will stop?  I’m able to force my mind away from it, but the image is still there, and hits me all of a sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, when I close my eyes.  I’m grateful for this new chance, and now that I’m pregnant with two, I guess I couldn’t imagine if it hadn’t worked out this way, but I still can’t help but wonder about that baby…I don’t know if that will ever fully go away, but I do know that once the twins arrive, I won’t have much time to think about anything but what we’re doing in the present moment!!

2 comments:

Janice said...

I sure hope you start to feel better soon......you said you have flashbacks to Oct. 11th and I have to tell you that April 30th every year since 1983 I think about my miscarriage also....I think about my due date every year as well which would have been Nov. 22nd I am not sad but when the date comes I always give it a little thought,it is stuck in my mind...maybe as a way to keep the baby that I lost memories alive. Then I think if I would have carried this baby to full term and delivered it I wouldn't have had Trista.......weird how it all works cause I am sure happy I have Trista haha

Elizabeth said...

Thanks for this Janice. It’s comforting to know it’s something I’ll never forget, which sounds strange maybe, but I like to think of it as you said, of keeping the lost baby’s memory alive. I still wish that baby had been able to thrive, but I’m already realizing that in order for these twins to come along, for whatever reason that baby couldn’t stay. I can well imagine that years from now when I have a stronger bond than ever with them, as you do with Trista, as hard as it was to have the loss I’d never want to go back and change anything. So I guess these things do happen for a reason.



blogger template by lovebird