12 weeks +

I am officially past the 12 week mark!  I’m 12 weeks + 1 day today =)  I’m soooo relieved to have made it this far.  I know it’s not a guarantee, but I’m much more hopeful than previous to this. 

We have our ultrasound on Wednesday and I’m sooo antsy about it.  I can’t wait to see my babies again!!  It has been way too long (6 weeks).  I keep worrying, what if one of them didn’t make it this far?  I worry about it because even though it seems insane to be having 2 babies at once, I am so hooked on having my twins, it would be so devastating for it not to work out now.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the u/s technician we had at 6 weeks 2 days was right, that they are a textbook case for how twins should grow. 

I’m pretty sure I found both their heartbeats on the Doppler tonight.  I don’t check too regularly, about once to twice a week.  When I found the heartbeat the first time I really couldn’t tell if it was two or not, because it basically seemed to just be localized to one specific area.  It makes sense since they are basically one on top of the other.  You’d think they’d spread out in there, since there are two sides, but I guess it all depends on where they were implanted as to where they stay?  I’m not entirely sure how that works!  But I found what sounded to me like 2 separate heartbeats, because they were found about 3 inches apart from each other.  The Doppler tends to stop hearing the beat if you move it just slightly away from hovering over it, so that’s why I think it most likely was both babies.  And both heartbeats sounded equally as strong.  I also could hear some karate chop moves happening, so they are feisty like their big brother!  Andrew always swiped at the Doppler when I listened to him in there =)

I am so happy and so excited…and then there is the part of me that’s in this weird denial it’s even happening.  It’s not denial that it’s twins because I’m freaked out about 2 babies, it’s denial that I’m even pregnant as a defence mechanism because I’m so scared something could go wrong.  I remember when I went for that counselling session after Baby#2 died, the counsellor said she knew someone who was 5-6 months pregnant and was basically pretending she wasn’t and even denied to people that she was pregnant when it was obvious she was.  She had suffered several miscarriages and just didn’t know how else to cope.  I kind of get that now.  Not that I’m not open about being pregnant (after our u/s everyone who doesn’t already know is going to know!  But everyone I’m close to knows and has since we found out it was twins).  It’s just…it’s hard to explain.

I’ve been having flashbacks lately a lot to losing the last baby, and that probably has something to do with it.  Today was my potential due date.  Basically it was either April 30th or May 2nd.  I actually think if we’d made it to the dating ultrasound and everything was going as it should have been, I’d have found out I was due a bit sooner, because I think the baby was maybe a bit further developed than we’d thought.  But of course I’m the only one who can speculate, and what do I know.  So yeah…today.  My due date with Baby#2.  It’s sad that it didn’t work out.  If it had worked out, I’d have never known about the twins because they never would have existed.  And of course, now that they’re in me, I can’t imagine them not being there.  So I know this had to happen for a reason.  I am leaning toward there is some reason why I was meant to have twins, and meant to have 3 kids instead of the two I was always adamant would be my limit.  I just worry that I’m getting my hopes up, and then what if something goes wrong.  I want to just be happy, and there’s a huge part of me (not just my giant belly, haha!) that IS happy.  Elated, beyond expression.  But I still have a sadness I can’t shake over that loss I experienced, and sometimes I wonder when it will ease up.  Not a single day ever goes by that I don’t think about it.  I don’t always have flashbacks, but often enough.  But mostly it’s just this feeling in me, that’s always there.  This knowledge of something traumatic that I never thought I’d know, that I can’t seem to compartmentalize.  It broke a part of me that feels like it can’t be fixed.

Or maybe it’s more that it’s just a worry, plain and simple, because it was related to pregnancy not working out, and now I’m pregnant again so I’m naturally going to worry that the same thing could happen again.  Once my babies are here and I am 100% telling you I am NEVER getting pregnant again even if someone paid me a trillion dollars (seriously, I wouldn’t do it!), there will be a relief knowing I have my children and I never have to go through the pregnancy part again.

It’s all such a jumble of emotions, because while it’s a constant worry for me now, being pregnant, I also love being pregnant!  There are things about it that are so wonderful and magical and the excitement of knowing I get to meet my babies in 6 months or probably closer to 5, that’s amazing!  I guess there are always going to be hurdles in life to overcome, and I just have to ride with it.

I just felt a few jabs that felt like a little baby trying to get Mommy’s attention =)  I really look forward to feeling a lot more of that in the coming weeks.  So far it’s the occasional somersault or jab but few and far between.  I know there’s so much more to come!  I’m so excited to be past the 12 week mark, and for now I just want to focus on that.


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