A whole new beginning
Nausea. Not loving it, but it definitely screams, ‘You’re pregnant!’ so I can’t complain!
I’ve thrown up a few times already, but tonight was so obviously ‘morning sickness’. I suddenly HAD TO HAVE (homemade vegetarian) Caesar salad. Like, HAD to. Couldn’t think about anything else till I’d made it happen obsessed. So I made it from scratch, ate a big bowl of it, and less than 5 minutes later was flushing it all down the toilet. I’m not bulimic, so it’s definitely pregnancy related!
My breasts have been increasingly sore lately, and then for a period of time today I didn’t feel any tenderness whatsoever. I pretty much felt totally fine, no symptoms whatsoever. It’s a catch 22, because as much as I want to breeze through this feeling awesome, as soon as I felt no symptoms I started to worry that it was a sign of miscarriage. When I think back to our loss, I started feeling ‘so much better’ as in no nausea, and in fact I don’t think I ever did experience any breast soreness at all, and then things ended up not working out. So…as much as it might kind of suck when my boobs feel big and saggy and S-O-R-E, or I’m heaving into the toilet right after a meal, I also take comfort in these symptoms because it means I’m pregnant, and that’s what I want to be.
The tiredness is really crazy, and something I’m SO grateful to have my parents around for. I can head over to their place during the day, and my mom is there to help with Andrew. Today we went over for a few hours, and I slept on the couch while they did crafts, read books, and played games. I was SO ZONKED OUT, I literally don’t know how I would have functioned the rest of the day had I not been able to get that rest time in. So having my parents close by to us now is a godsend.
It’s already hard not telling people that we see that we’re pregnant. Today I started to feel like my belly IS starting to show a bit, though it’s possible that’s just my own mind playing tricks on me. It’s certainly still at a stage where I can hide it, but at the same time I don’t really want to hide it. Last time I remember being all ‘weird’ about the changes in my body, and worrying people would think I look fat rather than pregnant. This time…I don’t really care what anyone else thinks, because I know I’m pregnant, and I love that, so if my belly’s bloated, it’s bloated! We had James’ dad over tonight and I kind of wished we could have told him, because it’s exciting news, and I’d love to tell everyone. But James prefers we keep things on the down low as long as we can. (He knows I was posting about it here, which he was fine with, since ultimately our families don’t read my blog, so what’s the harm – it’s my journal, after all!) I get why he doesn’t want to tell everyone just yet…Part of me likes not saying anything because I feel like telling all our friends and family right away might jinx this or something. Look what happened last time, when we told everyone practically right away. On the other hand, let’s face it, if I was to lose this pregnancy, I would HAVE to tell everyone, because the depression I’d be dealing with would be kind of unbearable, and I wouldn’t want to hide that, especially not from our families. Still, it makes sense to wait until the time is right. Especially since there are a few people in particular who, once they know, will tell everyone in their circles…and theirs…and theirs…and so on! It’s true, I don’t think we’re quite ready for that yet!
I am feeling really positive though. Probably because I can’t even handle the thought of the negative possibility…So I just won’t go there. Despite the nausea and other prego symptoms, I’m feeling kind of awesome emotionally right now. My family doctor said that would happen when I got pregnant again after our loss. He said I should try to get pregnant again as soon as I felt ready, because it would probably lift a huge weight from me in terms of the grief. He did stress that I had to be emotionally ready, but that ultimately it was obvious I ‘needed’ to be pregnant. I think he was right. I think I was so stressed out from what happened that I COULDN’T get pregnant till I did, but obviously this was the right time. And here we are, almost 6 ½ weeks in! I’m so excited! I still really miss Baby#2, sooo much, but I love that I now have hope again, and a new life inside of me. There’s really nothing more I could ask for!