Monday, March 19, 2012

Nervous about tomorrow...


On Saturday we had my dad’s birthday party at my bro and sil’s, which went really well, and he was surprised that my aunt and uncle were there too.  Then my other uncle showed up before dinner, so that was another nice surprise.

We decided not to tell my family that I’m pregnant (not including my parents since we told them a few weeks ago!)  I wanted to, but at the same time I felt apprehensive about it.  I guess because we made it to 11 weeks last time, and look what happened.  We’re ‘only’ at about 8 weeks right now.  I want to tell everyone, and it’s hard not too, especially since I feel bloated (it was all I could do to wear a pair of jeans!  I don’t think I’ll be squeezing into them again any time soon!)  But it just didn’t feel like the right time.  So I wore a somewhat billowy shirt, and pretended to drink a martini, and have to say I DID enjoy two tiny drops of it (oh, how I wish I could have had 2 full glasses!) but then James poured some into his glass when no one was looking, and took sips of it till it was gone.  So I’d say we kept our secret pretty well!

Maybe after our first ultrasound, which we get tomorrow, I’ll feel better.  Part of me is really stressed about the ultrasound.  Worried it will show something concerning, worried about having to have a full bladder going into it.  The last ultrasound I had was during my miscarriage, and ever since I’ve had some weird anxiety issues around having a full bladder.  Just getting an ultrasound seems scary to me now!  It won’t assure me that nothing will go wrong, because I know a pregnancy can go a lot further than 8 weeks and not work out.  But on the other hand, I do think seeing the little bean and being told all looks normal will put my mind somewhat at ease.  At least I’ll know we’re ‘so far so good.’  I really, REALLY hope that’s what we’re going to hear from the technician.  I also hope we’re only going to see ONE baby in there ;D

I’m dealing with the ups and downs emotionally pretty well, I think.  When I was pregnant with Andrew, I was just so happy about the countdown to Baby, I honestly never thought anything could go wrong.  Now that I know otherwise, it’s such a mixture of emotions.  One minute I’ll be thinking about how we’re going to reorganize our bedroom to make the crib fit in there, and I’m itching (once I have the energy) to go through all the bins in Andrew’s closet and weed through his baby clothes to make room, and decide what I’d want to keep and use (if we have another boy) and what I could part with.  I want to paint our bedroom in the near future, and I’ve been considering how I could make the area where the crib will be seem like a nursery, while still being in our room.

On the flip side of that, it’s like my mind doesn’t want to let my heart believe that this is really happening.  I’m excited, but then I’ll have moments where I question where we’ll actually be around Halloween time.  After all, we’re supposed to be just over a month away from giving birth to our second child.  So when will our third choose to come?  I don’t like to let my mind go there too much, though.  I know it’s not in my control what happens, and I just have to hold out hope that ‘this is the one.’  I have so many pregnancy symptoms, and I know that can happen even when it’s not working out, but seriously?  The amount of nausea I have 24/7 tells me things are going just as they should.

It’s crazy how sick I feel ALL.THE.TIME. these days.  And tired.  Today it was all I could do to peel myself off the couch for moments at a time – and Andrew was with me all day.  He was pretty good about it, and was content to watch shows and play while I laid practically comatose beside him.  I did force myself to make pancakes with him, and we played some games, read some books.  That’s the thing – I can’t just neglect my duties, in particular since my little guy can be quite demanding, and rightfully so!  I want to be able to do so much more in a day, but I’m getting by.  James is awesome about it, thankfully, and doesn’t begrudge me if he has to cook (on nights when I seriously can’t smell anything food-wise without wanting to hurl) or if I get him to help with a few more chores than I usually ask him to do.  I just want to be able to do my usual amount, but I know taking care of myself, and this new baby, is so important.  The amount of napping I’ve been doing lately (or craving doing!) is ridiculous.

So…tomorrow will at least tell us where we’re at so far.  I’m hoping it’s all good news!

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