My mind is racing

I still feel sad about the baby I lost in October.  I don’t think I’ll ever not feel sad about that.  But I’m also so excited about my twins now, that I can’t help but just focus on that, and know that for whatever reason, this is what was meant to happen.

James doesn’t think I should get so attached so soon to the idea that we’re having twins.  There are a lot of risks.  Apparently the risk of miscarriage with multiples is 3 times greater than with singletons.  Yes, that totally freaks me out.  I feel like I’m having a lot of twinges and feelings in my uterus today, and it’s already starting to feel a tad uncomfortable in there.  It’s so hard to explain what I mean by that, but it’s definitely growing or doing something, and I feel weird twinges, particularly on the lower right side, from time to time.  I know it’s normal to experience these things, and yet I question what’s normal and what’s not, because I’m scared out of my mind that I could lose one or both of these babies.

That miscarriage really messed with my head.  I am terrified of going through it again.  You’d think I’d feel more secure, I mean, I’ve got 2 in there now, so the chances should be greater that at least one will survive.  But I don’t want just one now.  I feel this strong NEED for both of them.  It’s insane, isn’t it?  To WANT twins?  But I do, because they’re mine, and I feel soooo protective of them.  As if I’m the Momma Bear and already they are my cubs.  I can’t help but feel like I need to guard them with my life.  They are such a part of me already.

I think James made the pact with himself, hoping it would somehow transfer to me too, to not allow too much attachment early on.  Yes, I realize there are risks, and I know there’s a chance this isn’t going to go the way I want it to.  But I can’t focus on that.  I have to push that out of my mind.   Because it’s too late for me – I am already 100% attached to my twins.  As it happens, they are also very much attached to me!  And I hope to keep it that way till at least 37 weeks…

I can’t help it.  Am I setting myself up for disappointment?  Should I not be going on about my excitement about this?  Maybe it’s true, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself.  But what else can I do?  Now that we’ve told everyone (well, most, not all) how am I supposed to hide my excitement and act like, well, you know, I WAS told it’s twins, but that may not be what we get at the end.  That’s just too devastating to me.  I can’t do it, not even if it means saving myself heart ache should anything go wrong.  How could I not fall apart were that to happen?  Especially having just gone through it.  I can’t even handle the thought.

I’m already partially broken.  What happened in October destroyed a part of me, and I’m very…cautious now.  I can be negative about things based on what that experience taught me.  But at the same time, I have to hold out all the hope I can for these babies.  People have been giving birth to twins for thousands of years, it’s not like it’s a new phenomenon.  Yes, I did find out quite early, so there might be some implications there.  But there’s no reason for me to expect them.  I shouldn't assume that everything will go perfectly, but I don’t believe I should assume that they won’t, either.

So where does that leave me?  I have no freaking idea!  I’m trying to remain calm so my babies don’t feel the vibes that I’m tense or stressed or worried or scared.  But I’m also all of those things.  I have an appointment with my family doctor next Friday, and I’m going to mention to him that I’m worried about the fact that we’re not seeing the babies again for another 6 weeks…which worries me due to the whole vanishing twin thing and all the risks…I really need constant reassurance that there’s no reason to believe that anything will go wrong.  I blame what happened to me last time.  I need to feel as secure as I can, but I’m so…nervous.

I was feeling so good today, just focusing on how exciting all of this is, and for how crazy it’s going to be, how much I’m already looking forward to it.  But then the worries creep in.

I need to just focus on the positive, but how do I shut out the concerns?


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