Wednesday, March 21, 2012

It's going to take a while for this to sink in...


Late last night, within minutes of taking my Diclectin for nausea, I became violently ill and could not stop throwing up.  Afterwards, I continued to feel sick, to the point that I felt nauseous even in my dreams.  I kept waking up, and was awake from 3:30 till almost 5, just laying there telling myself not to throw up.  I finally had to again, but luckily got a few hours sleep because I somehow convinced Andrew to go back to sleep at 7:30 rather than get up, and we slept till 9.

But I’m still SO TIRED, and I was throwing up again after we got up.  It SUCKS!  I know it means my babies are thriving (I can’t believe I’m saying ‘babies’ plural…) but I’m so grossed out by how sick I feel all the time.  The nausea never stops.  It gets better, and is tolerable enough during periods of time where I can actually eat and hold it down, or do things without running to the bathroom to hurl midway.  But I constantly feel sick, and all I really want to do is get into bed and sleep every single day away.

I feel sad about it in some ways, because even though I’m happy to be pregnant, I’m worried about not being able to be the best mom possible for Andrew.  I’m managing as best I can, and we still do things, and I force myself to make an effort whenever possible.  But I’m not quite myself with being so sick and so tired, so he’s watching a lot more tv and movies…and I hate plugging him in like that, but there are times when I just don’t know what else to do.  He’s happy enough, and we do read books and chat constantly and he’s still learning things and doing crafts and whatnot.  But…I feel like he’s being a bit short-changed because I’m not up to doing as much as we would normally do.

This whole ‘twins’ thing is sinking in a bit more, and it’s freaking me out.  Two babies at once??  How can I prepare for that?!  I can’t!  I was nervous enough about being a mother of two.  Even though it’s what I wanted, I was still wondering how I’d adjust to how different our lives would be, and how much less freedom I’d have after getting used to the little bit of it that I can get these days.  I’m going to go from having one child to having 3 overnight, and that’s scary.  And anyone who’s had a baby knows how exhausting and crazy a transition it is to go from no babies in the house to having one.  Yes, I’ve done it already, and I am somewhat prepared in that I know what it’s like to have a baby.  But TWO AT ONCE is a whole other story.  I have an inkling of what it’s going to be like, and that’s why I’m having the wits scared out of me – because I KNOW it’s going to be crazy and chaotic and sooooooooo exhausting!

I do want these two babies, though.  Knowing they are both in there, how could I not fall in love with each of them?  I’ve been doing research, and I know there’s a higher risk of miscarriage with multiples.  That freaks me out, since after what happened before I REALLY don’t want another loss.  Or double loss.   I don’t want to go to our next ultrasound and find out that one of the babies is thriving, but one is not, or has died.  Now that I know there are two in there, I want them both to survive, and I will handle having twins whatever way I can.  But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed to the point of…maybe a little bit of sadness.

Maybe it’s because I’m worried what this is going to do to Andrew, and our relationship.  I already knew it would be a challenge introducing him to a sibling, and having to give much of my time to the new baby and not solely focusing all my time and energy on him.  But two babies are going to be double the workload, and how am I supposed to divvy up my time so they all get the attention they need and deserve?  Andrew has been my number 1 for over 3 years now, he’s been my everything, my sidekick, we’re attached at the hip.  Even if we were only having one baby, I’d feel a little sad knowing I’m going to lose some of that bond with him.  It would happen naturally anyway, as he gets older, goes to school.  I know it’s going to change regardless.  And I know it’s going to be a wonderful thing for him to have siblings to love, protect, play with, be friends with.  This is going to be great.  But it’s also going to be so different, and I look at Andrew now and feel a little bit sad about how much his life is going to change overnight.  He has no clue what’s in store.  He’s been conditioned from last time to expect the babies to ‘go away.’  I’ve explained that these babies are healthy and I expect they will stay and NOT go away like the last one did, that that was just one of those things that sometimes happens, but these are going to be his siblings, for real.  But he’s too young to wrap his head around what that truly means.  He’s decided that he has 13 babies in HIS belly, and THEY are going to jump out and be his brothers. 

Anyway…I expect it will be a whirlwind of ups and downs, worries and concerns but also excitement.  It’s just a lot to take in.  Yesterday I woke up thinking I had one bean in there, and now I know there are two.  TWO!  I can’t quite get over it…

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