Thursday, March 22, 2012

I have to focus on the positive


Andrew’s with his Nana today, for the first time in several weeks.  It’s the first day I’ve had to myself in a while, and I have to soak these days up, because let’s face it, when the twins arrive I am not going to have days to myself for a VERY long time.  Not even ‘hours’, let alone days!!

Oh my gawd.  The twins.  It feels surreal to even be saying that.  I keep almost forgetting that there’s two, or not so much forgetting but not realizing in every moment exactly what that means.  Then it hits me what that’s going to mean, and I have to start processing it all over again.  Twins.  Two babies.  Three kids total.  What am I getting myself into?!

The thing is, as I told James last night, as scary as it is, and as challenging as it will be, my heart is already set on the fact that we’re having twins.  James is taking a slightly different approach, which I think is easier for the man to do, given the babies aren’t in him, and he isn’t constantly dealing with the symptoms that go along with that.  Especially after our loss last October, he seems to be taking the approach that while he is hoping that all is going to go well, there are still risks involved.  It is possible we will go to our next ultrasound (which is already booked, but almost 6 weeks away) and there will only be one baby.  There are definitely two, but there is this horrifying thing called ‘vanishing twin syndrome’ wherein one twin literally vanishes.  The baby doesn’t survive, and can be entirely absorbed by the mother’s body.  The other baby can go on to thrive and be born totally healthy, but as a singleton.  It’s hard to say how often this happens, because most women don’t have their first ultrasound till closer to the 11 week mark, and it tends to happen earlier than that, so it probably is the case that more pregnancies begin as twin pregnancies than what is recognized as things progress. 

It terrifies me the idea that I could lose one or both of these babies.  Even though we only wanted one more child, and having two at once is scary, I am set on having two now.  How could I not be?  Those babies are growing inside of me, I saw their hearts beating, they’re so precious and they’re mine, and I want them both!

I’m doing my best to stay focused on the positive, and not dwell too much on the potential negatives, but it’s hard, especially after a loss.  I just can’t bear the thought of anything going wrong.  What I’m trying to remind myself when my mind starts drifting to bad places, is that the ultrasound technician said that our babies are exactly as they should be for their ‘age’, both the same size, same strong heart beat, and the fact that they’re in separate sacs with their own placentas means they don’t have to fight for resources.  So if we’re going to have a twin pregnancy, ours is looking like the perfect, textbook case.  So I really SHOULDN’T worry so much.  But how can I prevent myself from feeling slightly panicked?  Especially since researching twins and all it’s going to entail pregnancy and beyond includes the consideration of all the things that could possibly go wrong.

I just had to go and have a high risk pregnancy, didn’t I!!  I just couldn’t help myself.  I was so desperate to get pregnant that I dropped 2 eggs at once!  LOL  The technician told us that we’re having fraternal twins, but I’ve actually since read that it’s still possible that they’ll be identical.  If an egg splits early enough, it can form with 2 sacs and placentas, making it appear as though it was 2 eggs to begin with.  So we won’t know till we find out if it’s a boy and a girl (which is what I’m hoping for) or if we get a DNA test after birth, because even fraternal twins can look identical at birth.  I have my suspicions that it truly is 2 eggs and fraternal twins, because twins run on both sides of my family, so I think this was a matter of genes and not just random chance.

Man oh man, so much to think about, my brain feels like it’s in overdrive.  So much to think about while feeling nauseous, throwing up, feeling exhausted, and watching my belly get bigger by the day. 

Oh, and guess what we’re in the market for?  A VAN!  ME, driving a freaking VAN!  I wanted a car, well am I sure ever getting one now.  LOL  We will need a van because you can’t fit 3 car seats in a normal sized vehicle.  And with the stupid laws, Andrew will still need his till he’s about 9 or so.  Oh my gawd, seriously, SO many life changes taking place, it’s unreal!

BUT…it’s all worth it, because as crazy as it sounds, I’m set on twins!

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