The need for some brightness

I really want to try to make this blog as positive as I can.  At the same time, I can’t not ever discuss the negative issues in my head, because then it would no longer be serving the purpose it has for me.  The main one, at least.  I love using my blog as my outlet, as my journal, as my means of communicating the things that I most want to remember, as well as the things I need to write about to work through.

I used to feel like it was fairly well balanced, leaning more toward the positive side.  And that’s how I’d prefer it to be.  I want to go back to talking about the fun things Andrew and I – and James, too, on the weekends – get up to together as a family.  I want to go back to documenting the funny things Andrew says and does each day, and the leaps and bounds of changes I see in him constantly.  I want to take more pictures, and actually post them when I think they’d go well with a post.  I’ve gotten into this funk in the past several months, and for good reason, but still, it’s a funk.  And no one really wants to BE in a funk, so who wants to constantly be reading about one?!  I don’t want to fall into the cycle of blahness where I come across as a truly negative force of energy that people end up getting turned away from.  At the same time, I have to be able to be honest with myself, and lately that has meant droning on about the things that affect me in a negative way.

I sometimes think if I just focus on the positive things only, that will promote MORE positivity, and that can only lead to good things.  I can sometimes achieve that, but it’s short lived due to the issues that are in my head.  I can’t just shut off the stuff I wish wasn’t there.  I’m very open on my blog and it probably sounds like what I write about is all I’ve got, but that’s not actually the case.  There’s a lot more to the story, and there’s a lot that I don’t talk about AT ALL because it’s stuff I don’t feel comfortable with on the blog, or don’t know how to approach in a way that I wouldn’t regret.  Maybe regret is too strong a word.  I don’t know.  I second guess myself a lot.  Are you confused yet?!  I really don’t have much to hide, honestly, I’m mostly just who I come across as, or at least who I think I come across as…But there are issues and things that run so deep, things I can’t even begin to explain because it would hurt too much to go there.  I’m not repressing anything, I do talk to James and at least one friend in particular about the issues that affect me the most.  It’s just hard when there are things beyond my control that I can’t do anything about…I’m such a control freak, I know, but it really affects me when I can’t just take charge and make things better, whether that’s for me or those around me.

I think right now I’m in a phase where I’m very tired, and I don’t just mean tired because Andrew wakes me up through the night like a newborn baby.  Obviously that takes its toll, but it’s so much more than that.  I feel like I need a vacation, but even a few days away wouldn’t change anything.  James is urging me to decide where we should go for a 2 night getaway…We can’t afford to do anything crazy, but he wants to take me SOMEWHERE for 2 nights so we’re away long enough to properly rest and be away from our usual scene.  The problem is, we can’t agree on anywhere to go.  Scratch that, I am too picky to agree to go anywhere.  Well, maybe not ‘picky’,  but just worried about spending money to stay in a hotel if it’s too close to home…but at the same time not really loving the idea of going somewhere that would require a long car trip (especially since we’d be having to borrow someone’s car).  If anyone has any ideas for an awesome 2 night getaway, let me know!  I’m just also not sure WHEN would be the best time to do it, which is another reason I’ve been putting it off.  James seems to want to book something asap, but we have some commitments already made for the next several weekends.  I was thinking it might be nice to be away at the end of April/first few days of May, because that would have been Baby#2’s due date, and it might be nice to have some major distractions around that time.  On the other hand, I don’t like that idea at all, because what if I feel really down about the whole thing?  I know by worrying about it now, I’m setting myself up for being upset about it at the time…Hopefully the coping with depression course will help me with ways to not do that to myself!  It’s hard though…What can I say, it’s hard.

I do feel like I need a vacation, but it’s more a vacation from my mind, not just a few nights away from the usual grind.  I feel like there is so much to sort out inside of me, but when?  And how?  And it’s really never that simple, is it?

Trust me when I say that I hate going on like this.  This isn’t how I wanted things to be!  And I know they don’t have to be this way, I can change my frame of mind…I’m working on it, it’s just not always that easy.

All that being said, I do want to strive to get back to a place with my blog where I am focused on more of the upbeat, fun, everyday-goodness things in life, rather than all the things that when it comes right down to it, I’d rather not remember.  It’s a work in progress!


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