A moment of clarity

I feel like I’m having a moment of clarity.  Whether it will last is hard to say…I am going to say what I’m thinking, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a ‘but’ at the end of it!

I’ve been thinking about the stress I’ve been feeling lately.  The main stress, of wondering when I’ll get pregnant, the intense pressure I feel to BE pregnant.  It makes sense that I feel this way, considering I was all set in my mind to be having a baby just a few months from now.  You can’t give a woman the gift of life inside her when it’s the one thing she wants more than anything, then take it away, and not expect there to be a pining for life again.  I know that what I’ve been going through emotionally is perfectly natural.  And given I was ALWAYS adamant that my kids would be THREE YEARS APART, well, it’s a tough blow to know it’s going to be closer to 4…possibly more.  I do feel sad when I think about that, but here’s where my moment of clarity comes in.

I started thinking, WHY?  Why does this have to plague me so much?  I am 3 years and one month younger than my brother, and I thought that would be the perfect age difference for my kids because that’s what I knew.  And it worked for me and my brother.  I do believe that there’s more a chance of siblings to have a less close relationship (at least while growing up) if their age gap is too wide – I’ve seen it with friends and their siblings, and I know about it from hearing what it was like for James and his brother growing up with an almost 5 year age difference.  But at the same time, I think that also depends on personality type, as well as other factors depending on a family’s situation/lifestyle/etc.  If Andrew gains a sibling when he’s almost 4, he will only have known that as his reality.  He’s not very well going to sit there thinking, ‘Gee, I wish I’d had a sibling A YEAR AGO, why NOW?!’  And hopefully it won’t happen this way, but if there was to be a 5 year age gap between him and his sibling, so what?  I have to breathe in the sadness and disappointment I have over the fact that Andrew’s sibling is going to come later than originally ‘expected’, and then let it go.  I really, really, REALLY have to work on letting go.

We might never be able to give Andrew a sibling.  If it comes down to that, I think I might want to adopt.  I do think I might regret it if I never have a second child, but if I were to adopt our second child I’d rid myself of those regrets, because as much as I do still hold out hope that we’ll conceive a baby ourselves, I can say with 100% certainty that I would love my adopted baby as my own.  I want to say that Andrew is going to have a sibling no matter how it ends up happening, but I also know that nothing is for certain.  And I guess I have to learn how to be OK with that.  In some moments, like right now, I almost think maybe, kinda, sorta, I am OK with that.  Even if we can’t give Andrew a brother or a sister, there is still so much that we CAN (and will) give him.  Other times, I am so obviously not the least bit OK with the no-sibling idea.  And I think that’s OK, too!  But if I can have these moments of clarity, where I realize that things are what they are, and will be what they’ll be, and there’s only so much I can do about it, maybe I will be able to lift myself out of this funk I’ve been in for what feels like an eternity, although really it’s only been roughly 4 ½ months.

I could be pregnant right now, for all I know.  Though I am terrified of getting my hopes up too high, so I have to accept whatever happens.  The ‘but’ comes in, because I have to say, that while I do believe everything I just said about being OK with letting things be and letting go…I also have to add, ‘But…I can’t lie and say if I get my period I’ll just take a deep breath and move forward.’  Because I’ll be very VERY upset, and I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had some major anxiety over it the past while, knowing that either scenario (pregnant/not pregnant) is equally possible.  And I’m worried, because sooner is better than later for me, and if not now, it will be several months of waiting to try so as to avoid another Xmas baby.  That’s hard for me to even think about, let alone write about, because I can’t even fathom the low I will undoubtedly feel if Aunt Flo decides to pay me another visit any time soon.  I said goodbye to her last month, and (not so) kindly asked her to stay away for almost a year if possible…Nothing against her, but I’ve seen enough of her lately.  It’s really indescribably hard to wonder every time I use the bathroom, is my life going to change forever in this moment?  It sounds dramatic, because I’m making it seem as though my whole life hinges on this pregnancy, as if not achieving it this month is going to have the most drastic effect on my life.  But in some moments, I honestly truly do feel that way.

Then I have this momentary bout of clarity, where I realize that it wouldn’t actually be the end of the world.  We’ll get to where we’re meant to be in time.  Our family WILL be complete.  I have to just relax, and let our story unfold.


Lojo said…
YES! Such truth, sister! xoxo

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