I miss her so much already

I feel sick.  In fact, I threw up a little while ago.  It’s definitely nerves.  I tried to go to bed early tonight, and managed to zone out reading for a while, but when I closed the book I just started feeling sick to my stomach and I couldn’t sleep.  I can’t believe Moorka is gone.  I feel so bad about losing her.  Today was a terrible day.

We made the right decision, and deep down I know that.  Before James and I took her to the vet, I took Andrew to my mom’s to drop him off.  We had him say his goodbyes to her in the morning, we just didn’t think it would be a good thing for him to be there with us at the clinic.  Just in the span of time from when I took Andrew to my mom’s to when I met up with James and Moorka (about an hour and a half), she had noticeably gotten worse.  Far worse.  I felt terrible for her.  I hated seeing her in so much pain.  It really was her time, but it’s not helping at all to know that.  I miss her, and I want her back home with us where she belongs.

It’s just so hard to accept that she’s gone.  I hate it.  Even Fifi knows…James says she’s not grieving because cats don’t care about each other, but I disagree.  When we went to bed she was practically trying to beat the door down with her little paws, and she never does that anymore because the kitties knew they weren’t allowed in with us when we’re sleeping.  I went out and gave her some cuddles and for a few seconds she even rested her head on my shoulder.  I think she knows.  Even though I know cats aren’t like dogs with respect to their closeness to each other, Fifi and Moorka DID sleep on our bed pretty much daily through the afternoons, and sometimes they’d be so close their tails or even the fur on their backs would be touching each other.  We brought them home at the same time, and they ‘grew to love each other’, in their own little way, over the past 7 years.

It just doesn’t feel right in this house without Moogy.  She had more of a life force than I think we realized.  I swear I can hear her in Andrew’s room breathing right now, and I swore I could earlier too.  She often liked to sleep on his bed, or in her little cat house in his closet.  It’s going to be so hard to see that little cat house go…she loved being in there so much.  But at the same time just knowing it’s in there and she’s not is unbearable.

I think about other things and am able to keep focused for a little while, and then it hits me in a wave that she’s gone.  GONE.  I HATE the finality of death.  I wish so badly that she could still be with us.  She was such a beautiful cat.  I loved her big green eyes and the way she would stare at me so intently.  She loved rubs and pets and would eagerly run over to receive some love.  Her purr sounded so much like a pigeon, it was the cutest sound.  I know she knew how much we loved her, and she loved us too.  I just wish she was still here.


Lojo said…
Oh, Liz :( I'm so sorry. You gave her a great, loving life, and that's a really beautiful thing. The one positive thing (if you can call it that) is that when we outlive our pets, we can know that we were always there for them, right until end. I know that with my own kitties, the thought of them passing without me being there for them breaks my heart. Fifi knows. Her leaning her head on you..... that's something my kitties have only done when they feel overwhelmed. Give her lots of love and reassurance <3 Thinking about Liz and sending my love. :*( Auntie Cat Lady Lojo loves you Moorka. Chub Chub will take good care of you. Xoxo
Janice said…
So very sorry, you wrote a beautiful tribute to Moorka. I hope the pain heals quickly for you all and then you can remember her without being sad,you have all had a tough go of things big big hugs to you !!

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