Wednesday, November 09, 2011

What can I say, sometimes dirty laundry must be aired!


I don’t even know quite how to describe what I’m feeling right now.  I also have a splitting headache (once again, awesome) so it’s hard for me to properly formulate my thoughts.

Basically it’s this:

James’ mom offered to pay for him to go for a few massage sessions.  She suggested he go for his first this Saturday afternoon.

I didn’t take too kindly to this idea.  And I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong for having a negative reaction about it?

I just wonder if I’m just crazy to think this way, or should it be seen as a justified reaction to be upset that I’ve been through all that I have both physically and emotionally the past four weeks, and then off JAMES goes for a massage?  Does that sit well with you, because I’m sorry, but it doesn’t with me.

It’s not that I don’t want James to be able to experience nice things, or have time to himself.  It’s more the timing.  We rarely ever get massages, and when we do we consider it a pretty big deal, since it’s something that’s a treat maybe once a year usually, if that.  I’m certainly not suggesting that I should be going for the massage in his place, I just feel like it’s strange timing for him to be going off for a relaxing massage given everything I’ve been through.  He doesn’t see it that way, obviously.

I guess I shouldn’t be entirely surprised – he was off to the movies with his mom just days after we lost the baby.  (Yup, also not surprising that these issues we have ALWAYS have some connection to his mother)…And Of COURSE he is completely over what happened, I think less than 24 hours after it happened he had moved on.  ‘Just the way he is’ apparently.  It’s not that I’m wanting him to feel the pain that I’m feeling – I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.  But there is such a thing as tact, no?  And maybe I think him going off for a massage session seems tacky right now.  However, I have ‘had four weeks’ so…I guess I should just be over it by now?  I don’t know.  It was basically said that just because I’m going through what I’m going through doesn’t mean that other people can’t still have good things happening in their lives.

OUCH!

First of all, I never once said other people shouldn’t have good things in their lives.  NEVER did I even THINK that, let alone say it.  And secondly, the more important one in my opinion – my HUSBAND isn’t ‘other people’ to me.  Shouldn’t my husband be more…I don’t know…I don’t even know what word or phrase to use here.  I just feel that while the world is ‘as per usual’ for everyone else, wouldn’t it not be QUITE that way for my own husband?  Not in the sense that he should be feeling down in the dumps or something, just…I honestly don’t know how to explain it.  I just personally don’t lump him in as ‘other people’ but maybe that’s just my own issue.

I feel like tonight just confirms how very, very alone I truly am.  It hurts pretty bad, I have to admit.  I want to try to not talk about how I’m feeling anymore so maybe this will be it for a while.  What more can I say, right?  What’s the point, I’m a broken record at this point, and it’s obviously getting on people’s nerves, whether they’re saying it outright or not.

I just don’t know how to fake being stronger, because I’m honestly just not right now.  I don’t feel strong enough to pretend I’m OK!  I don’t know how to do it.

The therapist I got in touch with isn’t available till the very end of the month, so I’m looking at a 3 week wait to get in.  I’ve taken the appointment in the hopes there might be a cancellation in the meantime.  I hate how this is just dragging out.  But I don’t know where else to look and I’m not up for another person saying they can’t see me for x amount of time.

Ultimately, I have to work through everything by myself.  I have to figure out how to just compartmentalize it. My baby died, get over it.  If I really think about it, as sad as it is, maybe my baby was smart enough to back away from this shit.  Smart baby, if you think about it!  I still wish he or she could have stayed, and saying that was probably in poor taste – I just feel like crap.  At this point, I feel like I’m becoming a burden, and then that just makes me feel even worse than I already do.  Not a good situation.

It’s so hard because I feel like I should just suck it up and act like I’m fine because then I can’t have anything I don’t want to hear thrown in my face.  On the other hand, I feel too far gone to be able to do that.  I don’t know what to do!  Right now it’s too late to figure anything out in my head.  Late at night is never a good place to be trying to sort through issues.  I will work through this, and I know that time WILL make things easier.  I just wish I felt more understood.

2 comments:

Lojo said...

*AS I REPETITIVELY PUNCH THE WALL*

GAH! I think it's tactless to gift one's married son with free massages while excluding his partner, unless it's for a birthday, Christmas, etc., REGARDLESS of what happened. But yes, the timing of this takes it from tactless to moderately atrocious. Honestly, from here on don't even question whether you have the right to be upset by some of this woman's weird maneuvers, 'cause ya do, homie!

From how you've explained the situation, I wish James "got it" a little more, for your sake. As you said, it's not expected that he be affected by what happened in the same way that it has affected you-- of course not. But this is a time when you need him to pamper and care for you. For him to be exclusively gifted with special care and pampering by Mom is le barfie. I wish instead of going with her flow, he'd say "thanks, mom, I think I'm going to give these to Liz, 'cause she could really use a nice massage right now."

From my experience, men mean well, but sometimes they just don't get :/

You're not alone, though. Sometimes the people we love can't give us everything we need, all the time. Enter Trista for more insightful commentary regarding this. I don't necessarily have one person in my life who gives me what I need, when I need it, but I guess I've learned to "diversify" when it comes to my relationships, and to appreciate the different kinds of support and strength the people in my life give me. Do you have any close girlfriends nearby who you could lean on?

You WILL get through this.

xoxoxo

Elizabeth said...

Thanks Lojo, I really appreciate your comments. I find it helps so much to vent here on my blog and know that I’m not insane for feeling the things that I do! I do have a girl friend who I’m not super close with, but we do talk regularly and I’m probably going to give her a call today to vent about some of my issues! It definitely helps to have someone I can really talk to like that, who I know supports me in however I might be feeling.

Maybe I do sometimes rely too heavily on James to be supportive of me. I am going to make every effort to not do that now. He IS generally a great support, and he does do a lot to accommodate for how I’m feeling. I just think this whole massage thing is going a bit far – or going to the movies within days of the loss, which made me feel as if he was sort of celebrating or whatever, since like massages, trips to the movie theatre are a ‘big deal’ for us since we go maybe once or twice a year if that! While he doesn’t have to sit with me on the couch so we can cry together, I just wish he ‘got’ that going out and doing really fun things and excluding me makes me feel like a big lump of poo, even more than I’m already feeling like one right now!

He says that he’s not excluding me – ‘if you want a massage, we’ll book you for one too, this is not a me vs. you thing’ were pretty much his exact words. I didn’t say it was ‘vs.’ but…the reality is, we can’t afford to pay for a massage right now, so I don’t want to book one and then have that added monthly expense on my shoulders, especially when I’m going to be spending over $100 for one therapy session (I got an extended session so I can get more out in one go!) in a few weeks.

SIGH!!!!!!

I agree with you that when in a couple situation, buying one of them a massage should only be OK for special occasions, or if they were injured or something happened where they might need that extra little bit of relaxation time. Oh, I know, perhaps if there’s a miscarriage, that might be a good time to give that gift! Although I wouldn’t necessarily decide it’s the husband who needs that relaxation time…LOL I’m laughing bitterly, otherwise I’ll just scream, and if I recall correctly I think I did that already =S

I will forever shake my head at the idiocy of my mil. And probably I’ll also forever wonder why James can’t see through her. Even if she IS his mother…I just wonder sometimes how she gets away with things as if SHE is the one who is doing something sooooo nice for him or for us. Like she’s going out of her way for us and I should be grateful. It makes me sick!

Interestingly, it seems to me that Andrew full well senses the negativity she exudes, and I think that’s very telling, because he’s a 2 year old – all his senses are totally innocent, he’s just very in tune with what’s going on around him, even if he doesn’t fully understand it. Just little comments he will make, totally of his own accord, lead me to believe that he ‘knows’ her true colours. Not saying they don’t get along, because they do, she’s animated and I’m sure at times very ‘fun’ to him – she tends to have even more energy than he does, so they can do a lot in a day. But when it comes right down to it…I just find it interesting how he sees things that I wouldn’t expect a child his age to ‘get’...

Anyway, thanks again for being there! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO



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