Tuesday, November 22, 2011

A very dark cloud


I had a really rough day emotionally today.  No day has been ‘easy’ since ‘it’ happened, but some days are a lot worse than others.  Today was definitely one of ‘those’ days.

I don’t even know why it happens that way.  Maybe my mind has still been working at processing the counselling appointment from yesterday.  I don’t know exactly what it is.  Well, I DO know exactly what it is…but you know what I mean.  It’s always ‘there’, so why is it sometimes so much harder to bear?

I found out last night that someone I know who has a child not much younger than Andrew is expecting again.  Maybe that has been bothering me a little bit?  It’s not that I’m not happy for them, because I am…I just have no control over the fact that it breaks my heart a little to know that they are having their second baby before we’ll be having another healthy child.  I want to just be happy for them, but I can’t help but also feel sorry for myself, because they’ll have their baby with the age difference that I wanted between Andrew and his sibling.  It just doesn’t seem fair to me, AT ALL.

I really worry about the whole getting pregnant again thing.  Will it happen soon?  Will it go the way it’s supposed to this time around?  I had my period for almost 5 days and then it stopped completely, and then yesterday it came back again full force and today nothing.  That’s not what I’m used to as ‘normal.’  But I have no sense of normal anymore, and I feel like my body and my emotions are separate entities right now, if that makes sense – because I emotionally feel like my body has totally let me down, and in some ways I want nothing to do with it.

I just want my baby.  I know I can’t have my second baby back, and it makes me sad, but I just want another healthy child.  Is that really so much to ask?  I want to have my two kids and be in the thick of raising them and be enjoying every minute.  I do enjoy many of my minutes (and hours, and days) with Andrew, but I waste a lot of time in my head just feeling sad and depressed and MISERABLE because of the loss.  I just don’t know how to look into the future anymore.  I’m almost afraid to.  Nothing is for certain, I feel like there is zero stability and that scares the living daylights out of me.  I want to go back to knowing not EVERYTHING is for sure, but that some things ARE.  Maybe sometimes ignorance CAN be bliss, and I really, really wish I could be ignorant to THIS…


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