Staying focused...

After playing phone tag since yesterday, I finally got a call back from the mental health services.  I did a 10 minute assessment over the phone, being asked to rate my anxiety levels etc.  One of the last questions was whether or not I’d be receptive to taking anti-depressants should a doctor suggest them to me. 

I said no.  I didn’t give a reason for why (I wasn’t asked that) but the main reason is of course because I want to get pregnant again soon, and if I can do that without being on a medication, that’s the best thing.  I’m also slightly terrified of becoming dependant on medication if I don’t have to.  I know that sometimes it’s necessary, and I certainly don’t think any less of anyone who takes medication.  I just personally want to try to go without, most especially for the sake of the healthy pregnancy I’m hoping to have in the near future…

Because I said no to medication, the nurse informed me that going for a psych consult probably isn’t in my best interest.  Basically, if I went to the appointment and was feeling as I am now, the doctor would recommend medication.  That’s all they would do.  So if I wasn’t receptive to taking it, I’d have just wasted my time (and theirs) by going to the appointment.  So to me, at least for the present time, that’s out.

She did recommend a ‘depression group’ which I was apprehensive about at first.  It sounds daunting, having to go and sit and be depressed with a bunch of other depressed people.  LOL  But she explained it more, and actually it isn’t a group where you sit around and talk about what you’re depressed about etc.  One of the things I mentioned to her is that I think right now I’m getting tired by the idea of having to start over from the beginning and explain my ‘story’ to yet another new person.  It feels like it’s doing more damage than good to have to start at the beginning over and over again.  It plays out in my mind enough, I don’t feel like explaining it to someone who doesn’t know it already.  She said this group meets and learns coping strategies, and each week you learn new ways of handling the depression and then you work on those methods as ‘assignments’ each week.  She explained it better than I just did, but it actually sounded really good to me.  If nothing else, it will teach me new ways to look at my ability to cope, so it can’t hurt.  Unfortunately the next group doesn’t start up for about 2 months – but that’s becoming the story of my life!  Everything is a waiting game when it comes to health care it seems.  I think it’s a good thing to know I have coming my way, and in the meantime I plan on working through this as best as I can in my own head.  I know some days (like yesterday…and the day before…) I have a really tough time, and sometimes I think I’m destined to feel sad forever.  But other times, like right now, I think there is hope that I can feel better.  I still feel the sadness, and I’m pretty sure there will always be sadness around this whole event for me, but over time I should be able to gain strength and get through it – Stop feeling like there is a dark cloud over me.

As she put it, at least I’m not suicidal or having thoughts of wanting to hurt others!!  Yes, it could definitely be a lot worse, it’s scary that it could be worse but I know it really, really could.

I want to start focusing more on what I’m grateful for, what I DO have to be happy about.  The most important thing being that I could say, ‘Yes’ when asked if I have good support, if I have people close to me who care about me.  I am very cared about, and I appreciate that SO MUCH that it’s beyond words.  It horrifies me that there are so many people who don’t have the support that I know I can count on.  I wish everyone had people in their lives they could turn to, it’s so important and it should be just a given that we all have that.

Anyway…I want to lift the dark cloud that I feel, but I also want to force the literal clouds out of my neighbourhood!  It is sooo stormy out there.  I ventured out in it and now I’m FREEZING.  Time for a hot bubble bath (another thing to be grateful for!) and then I’m going to prepare Andy’s advent calendar.  At least I don’t have to be out in the rain anymore today…Brrrr!  I think it’s a perfect day for a cozy evening fire =)


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