Wednesday, November 23, 2011

One moment at a time

I need to focus reeeeeally hard and try to not be so depressed.  I just don’t know how to shut it off.  I feel like I shouldn’t write on here anymore if I can’t say anything happy…But I’m afraid I don’t know when I’d be up to writing again if that’s the case.  I sound so pathetic/dramatic and it’s getting on my own nerves so I can well imagine how it is to be reading it!

I am OK in individual moments, but I seriously have to take each day minute by minute.  It’s so annoying!  Andrew and I spent a bit of time at my mom’s this afternoon and did some crafts (he made a witch from a foam kit thing, painted, and worked on some colouring…including drawing all over himself!)  It was good to be out and I was able to pick up Andrew’s birthday stuff that got delivered the other day when we were out.  But by the time we got home and I was having to think of something to make for supper…I just felt myself crashing.

I’m fairly good at not showing the pain I’m in – it’s not like Andrew had any idea how I was feeling.  I don’t want his first memories of me to be ‘Mommy’s depressed all the time’ so I’m adamant that I’m not going to let it get the better of me.  But I’m just so…blah.

There was a message from some sort of mental services today so I have to call back tomorrow…I’m guessing it has to do with booking me a psych consult.  I’ll go to it because I feel like I’m supposed to, but ultimately – I just don’t see what anyone can do to help me.  Don’t I have to just try to get out of this myself?  I am going to refuse going on any type of medication if that’s what was suggested to me – I told my doctor that as well, that if going for this assessment means prescription drugs, I don’t want to do it, because I’m not taking anything.  First of all, I know all too well what being on all sorts of medications can do to a person, not from personal experience but from being directly related to someone with a lot of experience in that area.  I also don’t want to go on pills because I want to get pregnant.  My doctor said that while he does want me to see a gynaecologist for an overall exam just to be sure, he doesn’t suspect there is anything wrong with my body that would lead me to have another miscarriage.  He gave the green light to try again, so I want to.  Am I emotionally prepared?  How could I ever be?  I don’t think that’s possible.  So why wait?  I feel like if I don’t get pregnant sooner than later, I’m going to go totally mental.

OK, maybe it sounds like I already am…I’m serious when I say this experience has really done some bad things to me! 

Today for a split second I felt anger toward my baby that died, but that quickly turned into sadness because how could I possibly be mad at that baby?  I KNOW it wasn’t their fault either.  I just went temporarily insane and felt a hint of anger because if he or she hadn’t died, I wouldn’t be dealing with the stuff that I’m being forced to face right now, and yes, for a moment that made me feel angry.  I’m sorry about that though, because of course it’s obvious I loved that baby and just wish it could have survived.  I don’t blame them for this, I just wish there was an easy person or thing to blame.  Although even that wouldn’t change the situation…And that’s kind of why I don’t think anyone can help me when it comes right down to it.  James said that because I’m feeling so depressed – that’s why I’m thinking along the lines that nothing can change the way I feel, whereas in reality I have to work at feeling better and it can and will happen…That’s easy to say but I feel like I HAVE been trying but nothing changes what happened so how can anything change how I feel?

I hope something good comes along soon…Something good that doesn’t go away.

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