Friday, November 11, 2011

My boy is turning 3 soon...I can't quite believe it!


Today is 11/11/11.  Of course it’s important for us to remember today (and every day) those who have fought for our freedom.  Today (and every day) I am also remembering my baby, who I lost exactly one month ago today.

I felt somewhat cursed by the number ‘11’ after the baby died.  It just seemed too coincidental that the number 11 kept popping up.  I was apparently 11 days pregnant when we went to our first doctor’s appointment – at least, according to my pregnancy test and the doctor’s estimation.  With that 11, I was given hope, but it was a hope that would soon be dashed.  On October 11th, at 11 weeks pregnant, I lost my second child.

Now it’s 11/11/11, and I have to admit that when I woke up and realized those numbers, it made me cringe a little.  But I don’t want to dwell.  It’s too easy to sink into a hole that way, and I’m already partially in one, worming my way out!  I don’t want to get myself stuck further.  So while 11 is never going to be a favourite number of mine, I realize that I don’t have to read too much into it if I choose not to.

Last night I was talking so much about Christmas, and then I realized that Andrew turns 3 less than a week after Xmas Day.  Aaaahhhhh!  So much preparation, so little time.  As we all know, I like to plan ahead and take control of my life.  I’ve come to realize there are things that are beyond my control and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about that.  But I CAN control preparations for my little boy’s birthday party!  So I will focus on those things that I CAN take charge of!

I’ve known for a while what theme I wanted to go with for Andy’s 3rd birthday.  (I can’t believe he will be THREE, that’s just crazy).  I want to do a Caillou theme.  It’s his favourite tv show and Caillou is so cute, I love watching it with him.  I’ve ordered his party supplies, and for his birthday present we ordered a Caillou Tree House play set that includes 4 of the characters from his show – including Gilbert, everybody’s favourite (the kitty cat!)  My plan is, if the tree house is about the size I’m thinking it will be in my head (it’s hard to gage when you only see an online picture) that I’ll get a plain cake, possibly in green (which happens to be Andrew’s favourite colour) and then place the treehouse on top.  Not sure if it will work though, we’ll see…If not, I’m going to figure out something else to make it a Caillou cake to go with the theme!

I’m pretty excited about it.  I love celebrating Andrew’s birthday, since obviously the day he was born was the best day of my entire life so far.

Just trying to focus on the good things instead of the bad, and maybe that will alter my mind set enough that I can stop feeling so down all the time.  It won’t change the fact that my baby is gone, but sadly neither will feeling down about it all the time.  Which is not to say I don’t still feel the sadness every time I think about my little one not making it, but…I do have happy things to focus on, and I want to embrace those things as much as possible.

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