Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I wish I knew how to change the way I feel


I’ve been doing better, yet I haven’t…I have good moments, and I’ve been making more of an effort to get out of the house (though I still have anxiety around being in social situations).  But I still find myself having a lot of difficulty sleeping, and I lay in bed for a long time trying to fall asleep but instead my mind starts thinking about what happened. 

It’s an emotional rollercoaster ride that I can’t seem to get off of.  It’s stuck on its loop. 

I keep thinking about how the day Andrew was born was the best, most magical and amazing day of my entire life.  I remember how he felt in my arms, how I held him that whole entire first night and just stared at him.  I only slept for one hour, I was just so overjoyed to have my baby in my arms.

Then I think about how the day my second child was born was the absolute worst, most horrifying day of my entire life.  The complete opposite of how I imagined it would be.  Instead of getting to hold my baby and feel their warmth and find out ‘who’ they were, my baby was tiny, lifeless, and taken from me before I even got the chance to hold them one time.  I will never have so much as one clue as to who they were or would have been, yet I mourn for him or her every single day.

It just makes me so sad to constantly be faced with the realization of what happened.  To be constantly reminded of it.  Seeing newborn babies at the mall, watching pregnant women waddle along, seeing baby things.  I know I have a child and I am grateful for him and so lucky, I know, to have had one amazing, healthy baby.  I really shouldn’t wish for anything more.  But I had that baby and then it was gone, just like that.  How am I supposed to move on and act as if I’m not longing for a little person that was supposed to still be growing inside me?  I’m supposed to be 16 weeks pregnant by now.  I’d be getting big, and I’m sure I’d be feeling kicks and squirms by now.  I hate knowing what I’m missing out on.

I’m OK…I just feel bitter, and at times very sad.  I can talk about it without crying, though I do still cry a lot more often than I ever have before.  I just have to learn how to carry that emptiness around.  Even if I get pregnant again and have another baby, while of course I will be once again overjoyed and completely taken with my baby like I was with Andrew…but I’ll always remember that I lost my second baby before they even really had a chance.  I just have to learn how to live with it, without it affecting me to the degree that it is.  I know it’ll get easier with time, and especially if I go on to have another healthy baby…But…sometimes I feel like it’s never going to go away, this overwhelming sense of loss, and disbelief at how quickly my life changed the day my baby left me.


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