Wednesday, November 16, 2011

FML


***Disclaimer: Don’t read if you dislike hearing a woman talk about her period!  You have been warned!


Today I noticed a little bit of brownish spotting when I went to the bathroom, and it happened just after I was feeling sort of period-crampy.  The feeling has almost become ‘normal’ to me lately because I seem to have had my fair share of cramps through the miscarriage obviously, but then off and on ever since.  Not serious contraction type cramps since losing the baby, but enough that I noticed it was happening.  I kept wondering if it might be my period but it never was.

It was just how it always has been when my period is first starting, and now I know I have it.  It is making me feel very depressed.

For one thing, it just feels like yet another reminder, probably the meanest one of all, of the fact that I’m not pregnant.  It also takes me right back to the actual miscarriage because there was SO MUCH BLOOD during that, and now I am bleeding again.  I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on.

I also feel sad because there was a slight glimmer of hope that I could be pregnant again already.  Some women are really fertile after a miscarriage.  Maybe I didn’t start trying soon enough…not that I was really ‘trying’…I wasn’t, but there was still the possible chance that it could happen.  Whereas now I know it didn’t, and I am that much farther from having a baby, which obviously is all I really want.

SIIIIIGH.

I feel so sad because I have no faith in my body and no idea what’s going to happen or when or ANYTHING.  I feel hopeless.  I wanted to be pregnant again already, judge me all you want.  I just need to get the pregnancy part of having a baby OVER WITH so I have my two kids and I can move forward.

All this being said, I advise women who have had a miscarriage to WAIT before even trying at all, and just have one cycle first.  That way you know when you have your period so you might be able to better predict when you might ovulate.  Plus, you can have some extra time to emotionally work on feeling better (if you’re anything like me, you won’t feel better yet once your cycle starts again, but still, time is good to take).  I was hoping to get pregnant, so the day I finished taking the sleeping pills the dr prescribed, I stopped taking any medications.  I have taken Tylenol a few times for severe headaches, but otherwise nothing.  I could have used some more over-the-counter sleeping pills or SOMETHING on really rough nights to take the edge off and help me sleep, but because I thought there was even a slight possibility I could be pregnant, I vowed to myself to take nothing.  If I had just let nature run its course and wait for a cycle, hey, I could have been abusing drugs all this time!!!  It’s not how it sounds.  In some ways I’m glad I did what I did because being off meds was a good thing, it’s good practice – I know that a sleep aid is NOT going to solve any of my problems.  But did I pop a sleep-eze tonight to help me get to sleep?  Why yes, yes I did.  And I’m starting to feel it kick in right now.  And I think it’s going to be good for me, because if I was to go to bed tonight without anything helping me get drowsy, not only would I be thinking about my dead baby and how I lost it (because my mind ALWAYS goes there), I would also be crying over the fact that I have my stupid goddamn period that I shouldn’t be having right now.

I’m scared of how it will be.  Will it be more painful than ‘normal’ ones?  Will it be heavier?  I’ve read horror stories about horrendous first-periods-after-miscarriage.

I know I should be ‘relieved’ that I got it as early as I did.  The dr said that because I was showing signs of being very stressed, my body might not get back to a cycle for several MONTHS.  It has taken one month and 4 days for my cycle to return.  Almost 5 weeks.  I actually thought it would have returned SOONER because when I had Andrew, my period was back (regular without being on birth control pills, and starting on a Monday and it ALWAYS started on a Monday ON the pill – so it’s just telling that my body naturally is very regular with cycles) 5 weeks after giving birth, despite that I was breastfeeding and shouldn’t have got it at all for a long time.  But I have to keep reminding myself, despite that it WAS a labour, and my baby WAS born, it WASN’T normal.  I can’t expect my body to now be the same as it was before.  In fact, I’ve read that it’s quite possible my body will never be the same, ever.  My cycles might be irregular now, or they might be all sorts of things that isn’t considered my old version of normal.  Let’s face it, both physically AND emotionally, I am no longer the same person.  I have to wrap my head around that still.  And I have to realize that I have a new normal now, I just have to learn over time what it is.

So that’s where I’m at.  Instead of being 16 weeks pregnant, I am having my period.  I’m back at square one, and it’s pretty much the last place I wanted to be.

2 comments:

rawbean said...

Hey Elizabeth,

I'm just getting up to speed on your blog and what's been going on in your life in the last little while - I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you've been going through. It seems like miscarriage is one of those things that women don't really talk about but that is actually really common. I have friends very close to me that have experienced it and it was devastating to them. One in particular who was at the same stage as you - she said that people really didn't understand why she was upset and it was very hard getting them to understand that it is the loss of real human being.

Anyways I'm thinking of you and hope you can heal and feel better. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling this way.

Take care

rawbean

Elizabeth said...

Thanks so much for your support Rawbean, it really means a lot to me! xo



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