Monday, November 21, 2011

First session


I’m really exhausted after seeing the counsellor today, and for a change I think I don’t feel like talking about it!  It was a great appointment, I felt really comfortable with her right away and I do think she can help guide me toward feeling better.  I just need to process it more.  It made me feel soooo tired, it’s crazy how exhausted I am just from talking to someone for an hour and a bit!  But I guess it’s just the emotions, it’s tiring.

It felt good to have my feelings validated.  She said she thinks it’s post traumatic stress I’m dealing with, because I have trigger moments where I’m just suddenly in that moment all over again.  Very strong sudden flashbacks.  I guess it helps to know that’s what I’m dealing with, and that it’s because of not just the trauma of having a miscarriage, but in how I was treated (or, not treated) at the hospital.  If I’d been shown more care and compassion, she said it’s quite possible I would be grieving the loss but I wouldn’t be plagued by how badly it all played out, when ultimately it didn’t necessarily have to be that way.

I would like to see her again, but I have to think about it because it’s a lot of money that we don’t really have to spend.  We would basically have to go further into debt than we already are in order for me to go regularly, and that stresses me out, which is counter-productive to my healing.  Maybe I will wait several weeks and go again…We’ll see.  I have an appointment for next week so I have to decide soon if it’s manageable or not.

I think that’s all I will say about it, at least for now.  I feel very much in-my-own-head at the moment.  I have so much I have to deal with, and I’m feeling overwhelmed.  But I do feel good about having gone for this appointment, I know it will prove to be good for me once my head calms down a bit from it all.

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