Finding some comfort

Today was ‘interesting’ emotion-wise.

In some ways, I’m feeling a bit stronger.  Sometimes I wonder if I’m ‘coming to terms’ with what happened to me?  Part of me doesn’t want to, I feel like I can’t let go.  I don’t want to let go, and that’s a big issue for me.  It sort of feels like to let go of this pain means I’ve let go of that baby, and I’m not ready to do that…I don’t ever want to do that.

But I do feel a little bit stronger, in a weird sort of way.  I still feel a heaviness in my chest, and no it’s not just my saggy boobs – I’m used to those!  Ha ha.  Seriously, though, I am still sad and have moments where I can’t control my emotions, I cried several times today…But yet I honestly think I can say I’m gaining a strength I didn’t have till now.

Andrew didn’t let me sleep much at all last night AGAIN and our sleeping arrangement is NOT WORKING.  It has to change, but it’s like pulling teeth trying to get him ‘sleep trained.’  Because he senses that I’m not quite myself, and since ‘the event’ he has some insecurity issues I think.  Because he was doing SO WELL (certainly not 100% but we were getting there) before it happened, and now he is so needy for me, more than before.  I give in too easily because I’m just so tired and not in the mood to deal with all the tears and screaming if I don’t, but I know eventually (sooner than later) we really have to make some changes around here.

I also had a headache, which didn’t help the situation, and even when it wasn’t Andrew keeping me awake, I was just tossing and turning and not able to fall back asleep once something (he) woke me up.  I would literally just lay there for an hour before falling back asleep, each time I was woken up, which was often.  James ended up staying home for 2 hours in the morning so I could sleep so he worked a bit late tonight.  I’m lucky he was able to do that, because I don’t know how I’d have got through the day if I hadn’t got just a little bit of rest.

I listened to a lot of music today (Andrew luckily seems to like most music) and I found that comforting, especially listening to some songs I hadn’t heard in a while.  I made a ‘genius’ playlist from Soul Asylum’s Runaway Train and 15 of the 25 songs I absolutely loved.  It’s awesome when a somewhat random playlist like that flows so well one song to the next.

It might be weird to some people that I did this, but I have a vase that I got as a gift years ago on the mantle - I was rearranging some decorative stuff today and in the process I decided to put the pregnancy test from Baby#2 in there (which I labelled last week with their little age etc).  I guess it’s sort of like an urn in that sense?  I’ve never been too keen on the idea of having someone’s ashes in the house, let alone on the mantle, and I don’t know that I would have kept ashes from this baby if I’d had the option (I honestly really don’t think I would have, though of course I can’t know for sure…truthfully, I don’t even want to think about it)…But for some strange reason I find some comfort in having that in there, and then I put the little angel figurine that I feel symbolizes the baby somewhat (even though I’ve had it for years) by the vase.  I guess I just felt the need to do SOMETHING, and let’s face it, I don’t have a lot to work with, but it does make me feel maybe a teensy bit at peace (I don’t really feel at peace, but for lack of a better term) about the whole thing, at least feeling like I’ve done something to make sure I’m keeping my baby’s ‘spirit’ alive by keeping them close.  Does that make sense?  Probably not, none of this really does!  But that’s what I did, anyway, and if it gives me comfort then it was a good thing to do.

I was beyond tired for the better part of the day, and I was also nauseous and a bit headache-y.  Awesome!  I managed to get through the day and Andrew and I played lots of games and I had him laughing a lot, so that was good.  He was so good for me today in comparison to yesterday. 

I ended up going for a nap as soon as James came home from work, so while I definitely needed it and feel better for it, now I’m even more out of whack for going to bed tonight, since I feel like I just slept.  I’m going to TRY to get to bed soon though, I need sleep more than anything right now and I know that.  I wish I had the skill of being able to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow like some people have.  James has that ability and it drives me nuts how he’s OUT as soon as we say goodnight, and I lay there for an hour just waiting for sleep to get me!  I wonder what the trick is, or if it’s just natural that some people have it and other’s, like myself, could never achieve it.  I don’t know!

Tomorrow is a ‘free day’ and I’m going out for most of it, which I think will be good for me. 


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